Dont know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Dont know what to do
8
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:29am
Hello everybody, well i was visiting reading some of the posts and it seems like most of everyone who was experiencing NC has finally gotten thru it. How did yall do it because i am still in it with MM. I tried to call MM but no answer, i just wanted to talk to MM and basically flat out ask him if he still wants this but he wont answer any of my phone calls either he's not there when i call or he's avoiding me, i'm not sure, anyways, i am just dealing with alot. I want to hear something from MM and i dont think that's going to happen. Last time we talked i asked him "what is it about me that keeps you holding on to this" his response "Faith", faith for what i asked " for happiness one day" was his reply so if MM is happy with me than why is he trying to push me away. I dont know if he got scared after a year he told me he loved me or what. We usually always have this crap going on, he will do the NC thing, i will get tired of it and send him a im saying i cant deal with this anymore and then a month will go by and then i will call him up and apologize and then things will be back to normal but this time i think it really could be over even though i dont wont it to be. I go to bed thinking of him, wake up thinking about him, everything i do he is always in my mind. This past weekend i went to the town he lives in and was visiting a few friends, and then every memory hits me, rode by the special places we used to meet at and was even on the road MM used to live on. Everytime i am reading the newspaper or listening to the radio, even getting on the computer reading articles MM's name is everywhere. I know i might sound crazy and maybe i am even though i thought i was a sane woman this is making me crazy. How can you move on with your life when everything around you brings back the memories of MM? I have sent several im's asking him to just tell me if it's over b/c i dont play the game of "well i am going to avoid you until you finally get the clue, i played that game back in high school and it's not for me anymore. He always used to get pissed off at me when i flirted with other guys and he would even ask me if i was seeing someone, like i was his and noone could have me. MM even went so far one time when we broke up supposedly my fault and started just talking to one of his ex's and when i asked him why, his excuse was he was trying to get back at me, vengence b/c i upset him. Why should he care to make me jealous, he's the one who just keeps pushing me away when i have been there for him emotionally, physically, and etc. I dont understand men and i guess i never will not saying all men are this way b/c we have got some gentlemen on this board but i would at least say half of all male species. I need some advice in what i should do, should i call him in hopes that he will pick up the phone or should i just wait on MM? I guess what i want is for him to have the balls and tell me if it's over instead of trying to figure the crap out for myself, can anyone understand where i am coming from? I am sorry this is so long but i needed to get this out, Now i feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:47am
I have just started my NC but have gone as long as 2 months while MM was away out of the country getting things situated with his father's business -

It sucked...about a month into it I really began to wonder if I could make it another month or if I should end it and start a clean slate

In your situation you have tried asking --- calling --- etc -

He hasn't said yes it's over and he hasn't said no it's not so you are in this sort of unknown 'limbo-ish' state that everyone talks about --- you know when someone says...oh you just need closure etc...

I think since he isn't making a choice either way maybe you might have to make one yourself - it depends really on if you want to continue this limbo-feeling or you want to deal with what is real and either end it and move on or go on not knowing

If this were me.....Simply I would call fine if he doesn't answer I will leave a message and say --- hey I haven't heard from you in a really long time, first I miss you, second I am confused, and worried and third I need to know where it is I stand - if I don't hear from you I will just presume we are over and this way I am not left here waiting for you like I have been for the past couple of weeks -

I don't want to have to give you ultimadum's (sp) but I am really hurting over not talking to you --- I need to know something so I can deal with my day to day existence -

I hope this isn't the end but if it is after all this time I would have expected you to have told me this some other way

You did mention this is a long term EMA --- what has happened in these types of situations before ..what has kept him from you with no phone call or anything ??

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:50am
I agree with what kikki says. You can either leave your fate in his hands, or you can take control yourself. I just went through about a week of NC. During that time I made the decision that if I didn't hear SOMETHING from MM within another week then I was going to contact him and request to know where things stood. I was scared that maybe he'd tell me he wanted things to end. But at the same time I thought I'd rather know for sure and begin to move on, then not know and be left in limbo. If I couldn't reach him then I was prepared to say good bye and begin the painful process of letting go. I didn't WANT to say good bye, but at the same time, I didn't want to be hurting forever. Thankfully he called me yesterday and everything is OK. I hope for the same outcome for you. But if that is not to be, then I hope you at least get closure from him, and strength to move on.

(((((HUGS)))))

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:36am
I HATE (did I mention HATE) having NC! My MM is out of town and we'll have NC this week and who knows after that? I'm so confused about where I stand with him, I'm beside myself. I'm going to try to continue NC for a while after he gets back and let him call me. I hate playing these "games" with MM, but come on...I think he needs to make the next move. I love him dearly and with all my heart, but if MM ever wanted to end it, I would think he should be up front and tell me and not just "ignore" me and hope I get the hint. I agree...we're not in high school anymore. Just because we aren't their W doesn't mean that we don't have feelings and emotions.

Sorry...I'm having a bad day. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:42am
Hi Georgia, whatever you are doing during the NC, it doesn't seem to be working. I think you've really got to keep yourself distracted. Occupy yourself with your kids, hobbies, things that make you happy and keep you busy.

That's what I do during NC, and also just during regular times. And I find myself not thinking about MM so much when I'm busy doing other stuff.

Its when I have too much free time on my hands, that I start overthinking everything.

As far as your situation, if it were me I would totally back off.

From what you said, you've left phone messages, computer messages etc. and haven't heard anything. I would just leave it at that. If you never hear from him again, I guess you have your answer then.

I just find men don't like being harassed/nagged. Look at all the complaining husbands!! When my MM seems to be getting into NC with me, I just send maybe one short email a week, just saying something like "hi, thinking about you, hope everythings okay, talk to you soon I hope".

And then I leave it at that.

Even if I were to call him, begging, crying, or emailing constantly, I think that would really p*ss him off. And so I don't do that. I just lay off completely, and let him come to me.

I know it sucks, the waiting game, but what choice is there if you want to continue?
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:36am
Thanks to all who responded to my post. Well i am trying to keep myself busy but it doesnt help much when i am a stay at home mom and by the phone and the computer everyday. I occupy my time with my son during the day but there's so much you can do. Once in awhile me and one of my girlfriends will go walking at lunch time and that helps a little except MM is still stuck in my head. The worst is when i am by myself which is almost all the time and it hits me and i start crying, i have cried so much that honestly i cant cry anymore. I just gave so much in the relationship and what i am walking away with is a broken heart that's going to take along time to heal. I am hurting so much and all i want from MM is to either say it's over or he stills wants me. I want answers and anybody who has put up with this would want the same things. No he hasnt said he wants it or he doesnt, Could that be a good sign, maybe he's just trying to have time for himsself to think about if he still wants it. I was good to him, i was there for him emotionally when his best friend past away than his wife was, that should at least stand for something. I dont know what he is thinking anymore. I just called him the last time and no answer so i guess it's over and now i have to work on the healing process. I know what has probably happened, if you have read any of my back posts, one of MM's friends tried to blackmail me and was going to tell my MM that he knew everything about us, knowing him he already told MM and made a bunch of stuff up that was all lies b/c the other guy wants me and he knows he doesnt stand a chance with me. So MM could be hurting right now and is probably p..... off at me, might be why he wont answer his d... phone. That's it, i have realized i have tried and apparently MM doesnt love me like he said he did. I am so tired of playing games like i am some little kid, like i cant handle the truth. If he finally just sent one im stating it was over than i would never call him again or even bother him but he wont do that, it's like he has put me on the shelf and when he decides he wants to ply with me again then everything should be ok but it's not going to be that way if i have something to do about it. I have gotten myself into a big mess and i dont know how to get out of it. I have called him and left a message saying call me b/c i really need to talk to him but he never called. It probably made MM mad when i did that too b/c his W could have gotten the message but i dont think she did. i just have to face it i was a Slut to him and that was all, he made me feel like i was the only one for him and that he would leave his wife but all of his promises doesnt mean crap to me anymore. I loved him more than i ever loved anyone in my life except for my son and he has now hurt me more than anybody has. I guess right now i am going thru the anger stage, hopefully i will be ok, i just dont see how i am going to make it thru. thanks for letting me ramble on. I am glad you guys are here with the support knowing that yall have either or still am experiencing what i am going thru. thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:45am
Oh Georgia, you sound really upset and desparate. I really think you have to NC him immediately. Break off all phone calls/emails. And sit back and wait to see what happens. It sounds like he's backing way off from you now.

And you have to find something to occupy yourself so you don't sit there crying and thinking about him all the time!!

Take up a hobby. I recently took up sewing again, and believe me, something that keeps your mind and your fingers busy is the best. You will feel better about yourself and life in general if you can find things to do to make yourself happy. Take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:22pm
Anyways, Georgia, I know you are REALLY upset right now. But you have got to get a grip!! For one thing, you may be scaring him off if he thinks you're all emotional and desparate!! The last thing a guy wants is a desparate, upset woman on his hands, most of them have no idea how to handle us!!

Also here's another to think about. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, you had something good between you and him. Do you REALLY believe that he would believe that crap the other guy said? If you really meant something to him, he would not believe it.

You really need to calm down and wait it out.

I hope you don't think I'm being overly harsh to you honey, but it sounds like you're getting yourself a little out of control over this whole thing.

We all hate NC and not knowing what's going thru these MM's heads, but making multiple phone calls and keeping on trying to get him on the phone and emails will not work if he does not want to answer to you right now. You've really got to give him his space and if its meant to be, you will have him back again. I really hope you can try and find some peace and calmness in yourself right now during this difficult time for you. Hugs to you,

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:32pm
thank you dustyrose2 for responding, no i did not think you were being too harsh and yes you are right about getting a grip on things. I am trying so hard to not think about it and it just wont go away. I actually do have a hobby or something like that, i am a part-time student in college majoring in business and office technology, but gosh just sitting at the computer at school i am still thinking about him. I honestly think and i hope maybe i am wrong but i think MM has been cheating on me behind my back with a coworker, that's the only explanation i can even come up with when it comes to NC. I dont know who to believe my MM i have spent a year with or some other guy who likes me but also doesnt wont me to get hurt, it's a toss up. I do love MM but right now i dont think i can trust him and that's sad to say. maybe it's because the other guy has filled my head up with nothing but those thoughts but honestly i have had them for a while and when i ask MM he saids he's not talking to other girls. I am just really confused and yes i am getting deseparate, the other guy wont tell me if he has told MM anything, but i did tell him to never again email me or anything. Things with MM and I were great, he finally said the "L" word and told me he has faith in us and he wants to be happy one day. Then me and my big mouth talked about MM to his friend and now everything is suddenly not looking so good. I know for a fact he is avoiding me, i know his daily schedule like the back of my hand which i should slap myself with by getting involved in a A. He is usually always at home and so i know something is up. I keep thinking that maybe the reason he isnt home is because he's off fooling around my back. I just having to call him to find what's up b/c his W is already getting suspicious of the number MM's caller id picks up even though she cannot trace it back, she could change the number and then i would never know. You are absolutely right, i am not going to call him anymore, and i am not going to email him anymore. He knows where i live, my phone number,etc. If he cares then he will do all the work trying to get me back. He did make a comment last time we talked b/c we were asking about if either one of us was talking to other guys/girls, we both said no we wasnt and then he said p.... is good but it's not everything, that he has had many offers to get a piece but he doesnt wont that. I dont know what in the h... he is thinking but i wish he would figure it out and let me know. I think he just doesnt wont this anymore but he wont say goodbye because he knows it will hurt me. Anyways also MM doesnt check his email but every two mths and i know this b/c he told me so if i did send something to him it will just bounce back saying MM's account is over quota, so maybe he hasnt got my im's yet. I dont know just trying to figure out what could really be going on. I am sorry this is long, i feel like i just want to go into a cave and hide but i know as an adult i have to face this and let what will happen, happen. Thanks so much, these posting's make me feel alot better and also i appreciate you being there to help me understand what i am dealing with.