Don't know what to do....
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Don't know what to do....
| Mon, 08-25-2003 - 12:15am |
I posted something about this in another board a long time ago, then I stumbled upon this one and this is the one I should have been at in the first place I guess. I'll explain my situation a little bit. Last April I met this guy. He was a friend of my sisters and for the longest time my whole family was trying to get us together. We finally met and started talking and we really hit it off. We both had other people in our lives, so nothing more than friends happened. A couple weeks after that me and my boyfriend broke up. After my break-up him and I started to hang out a lot more and really started to get to know each other. I tried to deny my feelings for so long but eventually I gave into them. So, basically since then we have been seeing each other. We have our fights about not wanting to continue this way but we always get over it. I'm not just seeing him for the sex, half the time we spend together we don't have sex. Him and I...we just click with each other and I know that if given the right circumstances a relationship between us would work without any problems at all. I have tried so many times to tell him I don't want to continue this because at times I feel so hurt by it all and I feel like such a bad person because I do know he has a girlfriend. But every time I go to tell him something holds me back. I know we don't have that much, but I don't want to lose that. It hurts having him in my life this way, but it would hurt so much more to not have him in my life at all. We have had so many conversations about what we are and what we want to be. I want to someday be more than friends with him, I want a real relationship. He tells me he cares for me so much and would love to be with me someday, but he can't let go of his relationship. He doesn't want to let go because they have so many years together, or so he says. I mean obviously he loves her, but if their relationship is so great why does he come to me? That is what I keep thinking over and over in my head. Maybe that's part of the reason I stay. If their relationship isn't so great maybe it won't last much longer and he'll come to me. I know I'm a fool for staying, it's obvious he isn't going to leave her, right? I know I would be telling anybody else in this situation to get out, but it is so different and so hard when you're the one in it. It's obvious he doesn't want me dating other people. Every time some other guy shows interest in me he's all about being with me and spending time with. Know what I mean? I just don't know what to do about it anymore...

WRT the previous response to you: I don't subscribe to the theory "once a cheater, always a cheater." It's presumptuous and often short-sighted to apply blanket morals when people are individuals and no two circumstances are the same.
WRT your situation: I think there are two questions you need to ask yourself. If he told you, 100%, that he will never leave his gf (and it sounds like he *has* told you this), how long are you willing to stay w/him? Assuming that you will never get what you want from this R, how much longer are you willing to stick around and simply enjoy what you have for what it is? Second, you say now it hurts worse to be w/out him than w/him... are you sure? How long will this situation go on before you recognize that the hurt you are feeling is damaging to yourself for reasons beyond just not getting what you want? And I'm not even talking about self-esteem issues, though those apply to. I mean, are you setting yourself up for a pattern in future R where you simply accept whatever the other person is willing to give, but never really address, ask for, or demand, what YOU need to be happy and fulfilled?
A lot of women get into an EMA or any other R because it fills a void for them somewhere. For you, though, with this OM, the void is being created, not filled.
However you decide to handle it, good luck. Remember to take care of yourself first, because you are the only person who can truly know what you need.
-lily