Don't know what I'm doing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2008
Don't know what I'm doing
10
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 12:18pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 12:35pm

Hmmm...okay.

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be…<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-micro

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 12:39pm

Giantsfan - You sound just like I did eight months ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 12:39pm

Hey there, I don't post here often but I read your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 1:17pm

Thanks.


I know you are all right. I knew it before I even put up the post. :-/


I guess I'm just frustrated that he isn't even willing to address this. He can't even have a conversation with me about it. I understand it's hard and it's a blow to the ego. But I have never ever talked to him as if he isn't good enough. I've always positioned it as a problem we have in bed that we need to address. But he won't have a mature conversation about it so how do I get him to counseling.


And I'm angry he is being selfish. Selfish in that we do have sex which he enjoys but I do not. And

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 3:07pm

He's way too young to be having this problem.

Does he smoke heavily? That could be a factor. Is he on any regular meds? Some of them can be a factor.

The thing is - it can also be related to a medical problem that he doesn't even know he has - like heart disease. Maybe if you approach it from a medical angle, and you being worried that way, he won't see it as you being upset with your sex life.

If all medical problems are ruled out, meds for this problem are so very common now and you could both be enjoying the benefits.

Also, although a lot of people equate "sex" with "intercourse", the two are NOT identical - you CAN have great sex without intercourse. Sex is anything mutually pleasurable that brings orgasm, ideally. Using hands, mouths or a vibrator between the two of you are all "sex".

It reminds me of an old friend who told me the story about a very dear friend of HERS who confessed that she was saving intercourse for marriage, but she and her boyfriend were doing everything else, and she was especially fond of oral sex. She said to my friend - "OMG, the first time we had oral sex I thought I would faint from pleasure!! I just can't wait till our wedding night! Intercourse must be SO unbelievable!" My friend said to me, "I didn't have the heart to tell her how disappointed she's gonna be..." LOL!

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 3:42pm

No meds or smoking. He used to smoke but hasn't in a while. And yes medical prob is a possibility. And I just have to find some way to talk to him.


I understand what you are saying about varieties of sex. The problem there has been that he doesn't realize or admit there is a problem so he doesn't make the effort to make up for it in other ways (manual, oral, toys, etc). And no I am not giving positive reinforcement to things that don't work for me - not faking pleasure or anything. That's him being selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 3:56pm
Look...you've been M'd for 6 years and you are having trouble talking to H. Communications is the first thing you need to straighten out. Next your H needs to get himself to his doctor.......like right now. When talking to H why don't you tell him exactly what you posted here. Tell him straight out that if he
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 12:16am
Get him to a doctor for a checkup. There are all kinds of health problems that can cause sexual problems. You didn't say how old he is, but many guys over 40 have some probs occasionally. It is troubling that his are becoming more regular. Maybe a trial of Cialis is in order. But first, get him checked out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 1:41am
I SO agree w/ tltrgirl. I would never encourage anyone to start an affair over sex. It will get emotional, and that's when things get really, really complicated.
I was wondering does your H have high blood pressure or take medication for it? Because high blood pressure, and the meds that treat it cause erectile disfunction. Have you thought about Viagra, or maybe a c*ck ring (think bird, they wouldn't let me spell it out)? C*ck rings help keep the blood in the penis so that it will stay more erect. Try going to a toy store (adult of course) and buy you a toy, and him a c*ck ring. Let him watch you use your toy, by the time your done he should be ready to use the ring. Just a few suggestions. Good luck in whatever you choose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 2:27am

Please don't go out and have an A. You will be one of the rare one's if you can do NSA. I went out looking just for that after my H of 14 years stopped having sex with me a few years ago. Now I'm in love with my AP and have no idea where it's going.


I would like to offer you two suggestions - firstly, go to counselling by yourself if H is refusing to acknowledge any issues. Try finding one who deals with sexual issues and they may be able to make suggestions on how to approach H or deal with the issue in other ways. I haven't been to a counsellor, so I don't know what they can offer.


Secondly, try writing down what you feel are the problems with you and H and give him the letter and let him have time to absorb it. Maybe that way you can get your issues out in the open with him without him blowing up. Men are very sensitive about their sexuality and often see any comment on it as a question of their manliness.


Thirdly, maybe consider having a talk with your doctor to see if there's anything medical that could be going on, or any meds your H may be taking that could be interfering.

pisces