Don't know what to make of all this....need advice!
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|Thu, 08-23-2012 - 5:37pm|
Hi, I never thought I'd be here....I am married for almost 9 yrs, together for 14 yrs (since I was 21 and DH 33) and have 2 little girls. I haven't actually had a PA, but have been contemplating one with a divorced Dad who I feel a VERY strong attraction toward.
A little background: nearly 4 yrs ago, when I was pg with DD#2, I found out my DH had cheated on me 3 yrs into our supposed committed relationship, prior to getting married. I was devastated. I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me but he refused. However, I went to therapy on my own until DD# 2 was born. DD was born sick shortly after and nearly died. She was in the hospital for 9 weeks and I placed my heartache on a back burner.
During the past 3-4 yrs DH and I have argued... a lot. He also became very critical of everything I did, and I, in turn, became more defensive and, as he claims, have avoided him. About 4 mos ago he threatened to leave (2 nd time he had threatened actually within a month's time) and, in my mind, I said so be it. I was sick of the uncertainty, the arguing. I again asked him to go to counseling with me but he refused. Again, I went on my own. However, for the last 4 mos I have felt emotionally disconnected from DH. In the meantime, I met this neighbor, a Divorced Father of a 3 yr old girl (same age as my LO). I had oftentimes seen him riding bike with his LO and ran into him at the beach ine day and introduced myself. That night I see him pushing his LO on her bike, right past my house while on my walk and then he hid from me. About 2 weeks later I ran into him again at a local waterpark. He came over to talk to me and asked if we wanted to join him and his LO at the beach the next day. Since, we have met weekly for playdates, sometime up to 3 times per week (he just graduated with his Master's and is looking for employment). I began to feel a strong attraction toward him but hped it would go away. I invited him and his LO to come out with my family on the boat, so e's met my DH. DH at first was jealous but now thinks he's harmless. Anyway, about a month after we met, I sent him an e-mail telling him how I was feeling, hoping he would tell me I'm crazy. But I was feeling so anxious (I've never felt this way toward anyone else throughout my marriage) that I had to tell him to clear the air. He's about 5 yrs younger than I am so I really didn't think he'd be attracted to me. hmmm, I was wrong. We've met 3 times, without kids, and have throughly discussed possibility of affair. NEVER did I think I'd have this type of conversation with anyone!!!! Anyway, he's been divorced for 1 year, but it has been a pretty bitter divorce. He claims his ex is crazy and he's not able to talk to her directly, only through lawyers. So he has informed me several times that he is emotionally unavailable and not ready for a relationship - still sees a therapist due to divorce. He actually told me at first meeting I should instead take the opportunity to work out issues with DH (and presented me with a list of possible issues! who does this??) b/c of the long-term consequences of PA. In the meantime, he's told me he likes to meet b/c of he enjoys my company, and that he'd LOVE to go further but, again, I'd suffer the long-tem consequences.
Now, this didn't keep him from kissing me that first day. Second time we met we hit 2nd base, and third time nearly 3rd base. After that I decided to tell DH how I was feeling - emotionally disconnected, confused about feelings toward him, and that I had been thoughts about seeing other people, which indicated problems in our relationship. I told him we either went for counseling or would have to separate. I was supposed to meet with neighbor following week but he called off our meeting as he didn't want to influence my decision. We still meet for playdates and the other day he texted he was "thinking" of me (fantasizing in toher words) about what we could have done one of those days we had met. I texted back teasingly that there are plenty of opportunities still and he again said it wouldn't be a good idea. I last saw him a couple of days ago, on one of our playdates, and he mentioned a few possible places we could "meet" in the neighborhood. So apparently this is still on his mind if he's scoping out places, so I mentioned that to him. He said well, he's afraid that one day he'll want to go further with me and that'll destroy my marriage. He doesn't have his LO at this time, and LO might go away with her Mom next week, so may not see him then.
DH and I have been to marital counseling twice now and have begun working on some of our issues, but I am just not enjoying being with him.
Argh!! So, all this to ask...what do you all amke of this? I don't know if this is even considered an affair?? I do tell him about issues with DH, etc. I feel like he sends me all these mixed messages, it's frustrating. Please knock some sense into me!!!! thanks!