Don't know what to make of all this....need advice!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Don't know what to make of all this....need advice!
29
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 5:37pm

Hi, I never thought I'd be here....I am married for almost 9 yrs, together for 14 yrs (since I was 21 and DH 33) and have 2 little girls. I haven't actually had a PA, but have been contemplating one with a divorced Dad who I feel a VERY strong attraction toward.

A little background: nearly 4 yrs ago, when I was pg with DD#2, I found out my DH had cheated on me 3 yrs into our supposed committed relationship, prior to getting married. I was devastated. I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me but he refused. However, I went to therapy on my own until DD# 2 was born. DD was born sick shortly after and nearly died. She was in the hospital for 9 weeks and I placed my heartache on a back burner. 

During the past 3-4 yrs DH and I have argued... a lot. He also became very critical of everything I did, and I, in turn, became more defensive and, as he claims, have avoided him. About 4 mos ago he threatened to leave (2 nd time he had threatened actually within a month's time) and, in my mind, I said so be it. I was sick of the uncertainty, the arguing. I again asked him to go to counseling with me but he refused. Again, I went on my own. However, for the last 4 mos I have felt emotionally disconnected from DH. In the meantime, I met this neighbor, a Divorced Father of a 3 yr old girl (same age as my LO). I had oftentimes seen him riding bike with his LO and ran into him at the beach ine day and introduced myself. That night I see him pushing his LO on her bike, right past my house while on my walk and then he hid from me. About 2 weeks later I ran into him again at a local waterpark. He came over to talk to me and asked if we wanted to join him and his LO at the beach the next day. Since, we have met weekly for playdates, sometime up to 3 times per week (he just graduated with his Master's and is looking for employment). I began to feel a strong attraction toward him but hped it would go away. I invited him and his LO to come out with my family on the boat, so e's met my DH. DH at first was jealous but now thinks he's harmless. Anyway, about a month after we met, I sent him an e-mail telling him how I was feeling, hoping he would tell me I'm crazy. But I was feeling so anxious (I've never felt this way toward anyone else throughout my marriage) that I had to tell him to clear the air. He's about 5 yrs younger than I am so I really didn't think he'd be attracted to me. hmmm, I was wrong. We've met 3 times, without kids, and have throughly discussed possibility of affair. NEVER did I think I'd have this type of conversation with anyone!!!! Anyway, he's been divorced for 1 year, but it has been a pretty bitter divorce. He claims his ex is crazy and he's not able to talk to her directly, only through lawyers. So he has informed me several times that he is emotionally unavailable and not ready for a relationship - still sees a therapist due to divorce. He actually told me at first meeting I should instead take the opportunity to work out issues with DH (and presented me with a list of possible issues! who does this??) b/c of the long-term consequences of PA. In the meantime, he's told me he likes to meet b/c of he enjoys my company, and that he'd LOVE to go further but, again, I'd suffer the long-tem consequences.

Now, this didn't keep him from kissing me that first day. Second time we met we hit 2nd base, and third time nearly 3rd base. After that I decided to tell DH how I was feeling - emotionally disconnected, confused about feelings toward him, and that I had been thoughts about seeing other people, which indicated problems in our relationship. I told him we either went for counseling or would have to separate. I was supposed to meet with neighbor following week but he called off our meeting as he didn't want to influence my decision. We still meet for playdates and the other day he texted he was "thinking" of me (fantasizing in toher words) about what we could have done one of those days we had met. I texted back teasingly that there are plenty of opportunities still and he again said it wouldn't be a good idea. I last saw him a couple of days ago, on one of our playdates, and he mentioned a few possible places we could "meet" in the neighborhood. So apparently this is still on his mind if he's scoping out places, so I mentioned that to him. He said well, he's afraid that one day he'll want to go further with me and that'll destroy my marriage. He doesn't have his LO at this time, and LO might go away with her Mom next week, so may not see him then. 

DH and I have been to marital counseling twice now and have begun working on some of our issues, but I am just not enjoying being with him.

Argh!! So, all this to ask...what do you all amke of this? I don't know if this is even considered an affair?? I do tell him about issues with DH, etc. I feel like he sends me all these mixed messages, it's frustrating. Please knock some sense into me!!!! thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 6:08pm

I think you simply have a bit of a crush for this guy.  Perhaps he gives you the attention that you've missed out for so long with your husband.  Now I don't think you've entirely had an affair per say, though others might disagree, but I think you've only dipped your feet in the pool and nothing more at this point.  To be honest, I think this guy is no good for you though.  He's texting you and leading you on to get down your pants.  Granted I'm sure there's probably a bit of desire on your part as well, but I think you have more genuine intentions where as he just wants a little action.  Just remember that he's single, so all the guilt, grief, and risk lies entirely on your shoulders, not his.  My opinion is that you should try and mention "some" of your issues with DH to him, but listen to his reaction, both verbally and physically, to see if he is a genuine friend and confidante.  I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have an affair, but just make sure the guy is genuine.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 6:15pm

 

It looks like H agreed to come to MC only after you told him about "other people", which he can sense. As your neighbor said, use this opportunity to salvage your marriage.

Be under no illusion that it is anything but a physical attraction towards you, as he has clearly indicated that he is "emotionally unavailable", and you will indeed get hurt if you proceed further. Of course those get togethers (w/ or wo/ kids) only pour fuel to the fire.

It is only natural that you both feel this attraction towards each other as you come from unsatisfying backgrounds, but he has been sensible about it, and I commend him for his clear-headedness when he said "it's not a good idea" and not wanting to influence your decision.

It is also understandable that during this phase of strong attraction, you would not be able to feel the same towards H, and MC would require more time.

Nevertheless, I'm pretty confident that no matter what every body tells you, you will go down this path and in due time return here to talk about your broken heart.

Why is he sending you mixed messages? Pretty obvious. I can't talk for women, but men have two brains; one is on top of their heads and the other between their legs, and it is a power struggle between these two brains that you hear as "mixed messages".

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012

I agree with Son and Ian.  This guy is only looking for a physical relationship and not an emotional one. 

Not saying salvage your marriage but if you really want to work on your marriage do so, if you don't than don't and seperate.  However, do not seperate because you met someone else.  Divorce him for you and not for the possiblity of going any further with this guy or any further men.  Make yourself and your child your priority.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 8:31am

HI, Krazy_mama

Welcome to the board, Please think this through. He is telling you who he is.  He has obvious red flags, I highlighted two examples just from your post. He has still not healed from his divorce, he is being honest with you, but he is also reeling you in because it makes him feel good and helps him forget about his troubles.

1) He has informed me several times that he is emotionally unavailable and not ready for a relationship

2) He's told me he likes to meet b/c of he enjoys my company, and that he'd LOVE to go further but, again, I'd suffer the long-tem consequences.

He points these things out to you, because it absolves him from guilt. By telling you this and being upfront, if you choose to enter into the affair, it clears his concious because he has been upfront with you.

Below is a link on emotionally unavailable men, be sure and read the responses after the article, it was very informative with both men and women responding. Also go over to the healing library on EAS and read the post about Empty Buckets, it deals with emotional unavailability. Search online about emotional unavailabilty, this is valuable even if you are venturing our into the dating world. People give clues, we just don't open our minds to them.

Good luck!

http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/08/29/so-dont-you-fall-in-love-a-thesis-for-emotionally-unavailable-men/

~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012

Yeah I agree with Itstime.  There is such a tangeled web that you get caught in when you end up in an A with someone so close.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
KrAzY_mAmA wrote:

I think you hit the nail on the head! lol Yes, on the one hand he would not want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage...but, on the other, he's still a guy and he has certain needs. Although, he is single and could find any other girl to DTD with...no??

 


NO! Except for the very young girls, who would probably not date him, other women won't accept the "I'm not available" thing, just ask me :smileywink:

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009

 

This was an interesting read sunny. It said an emotionally unavailable man can treat the woman like crap but tell her that she loves her several times a day and the woman will ignore the crap and beating. I would have dismissed this as a piece of entertainment by the meida if I had not heard the EXACT same thing from the lady I was dating earler this year! She actually said that NO man ever treated her as nicely as I did, but she prefers that beating/"I love you" partner she had before because at least he showed emotions! I have thought about this and would take it a step further and add that the very abuse and beating by itself is seen by her as a sign of intense care and love and that makes you wonder about what Nietzsche said in Zarathustra:

“You are going to women? Do not forget the whip!”

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
sireanita wrote:

That woman clearly had issues. I hope you don't take her as an example as to how women think in general LOL.

Thanks for the concern sireanita. I have had my share of women and I can say they're no longer a mystery for me. The fact that I don't have a woman is a separate issue. That woman was a very typical woman and the article pretty much summed it up. It's just that the "whip" can't be taken literally. There is no such thing as a continuous state of bliss, and the "highs" are only relative to the "lows". Do you want to see the lows in your R? The weekends of LC and the time he spends with wifey and the arguments you have.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009

Who says men are all different? We're all the same bunch :smileywink:

Must have been a pretty intense "reaction" to cause this change of heart. How do you know you'll not get bored with the all too nice, cookie-cutter relationship? Wasn't it you say that said you're not attracted to the super-nice type? Of course you have the right to change your mind.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 11:41pm
krazy-mama, I can tell you these 3 things
1) an affair isn't worth it
2) refraining from contact with him is good
3) it doesn't matter what any of us say, you are probably going to go for it anyway.

Why? Because your rational brain tells you it's just sex. Your rational brain tells you, you can keep it in perspective. Your rational brain tells you that you can handle it all. Your body is already craving the attention. Your mind and body are already craving the highs. You are already wrapped up in him, "however, I like this guy" "if he agrees to meet, I most likely would"

~Sunny~

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