Don't know what to think of this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Don't know what to think of this
2
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 3:22am
I'm not sure where to start. I've been having an affair with my daughter's father for a couple of years. We (daughter and I) didn't have contact with him, his wife and three kids, etc. until about three years ago. Right from the beginning he wanted to start a physical relationship. I told him I didn't think it would be a good idea but he kept after me. I resisted for 5-6 months. I finally gave in. It's hard to resist something you know is going to be great. He and I have always found it easy to talk to one another and always enjoyed each other's company. We have discussed that whatever happens with us, it won't affect his relationship with our daughter.

He was over last weekend with two of his three kids. While all the kids were playing, we visited about about nothing in particular. The subject of his wife having to travel out of town for the day for her job came up. He was somewhat peeved about having to watch the kids because he wanted to go into his job to finish some work. He works six or seven days a week.

Out of the blue he said that she was a good woman and she deserves better than him. I responded by asking if he thought I deserved better than him. He said he didn't know because he didn't know me that well. I was really taken aback and stunned. We've known each other for 4-5 years! I asked him if he wanted to end everything. He thought about it for a few seconds and then said no. We have talked about ending it a few times because of the risk(s) involved but never gone further than discussing it. Later that day, I told him that his comment really hurt my feelings and his response was that he didn't know me that well because he wasn't married to me. What's up with that?! Am I totally out of line for being hurt by this? I feel like he thinks of me as just the sleezy mistress. Even after we discussed things he kept talking about wanting the two of us to get together soon. I'm so confused about the whole thing. Is he trying to end things in a passive/aggresive way? Am I thinking about this too much? I need some opinions/advise about this. Thanks
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 8:49am
Well i'm going to be a little nosey here. You said mm is your daughters father and you've known him 4-5 years. I assume that she is your biolgical daughter from a sexual relationship with HIM. Was it a one night stand or something more substantial? How well DO you know him??

With the information you gave, I am going to guess he is feeling guilty and obviously you are the only person he can vent that to. Some of them get over the guilt and some don't. Before you get too emotionally involved, offer to take some time off from this A and see where it goes. My mm ended our A for about 6 weeks because among other reasons, he felt guilty, with the guilt being the key factor. He couldn't stay away and although it was tough for me to endure the breakup I would have been fine if it didn't start up again. We were apart and he missed me, so now he isn't feeling guilty (I don't see any signs of it). It might be diffictult to do now but it will be ten times worse if you just keep this A alive with him feeling guilty.

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:53am
You're right. He is the biological father. It wasn't a one night stand but it wasn't a heavy relationship. At the time, I was using meth. He wasn't. I know him fairly well but obviously not as well as his wife. He was out of the picture before my daughter was born. I let him know when she was born. He told me he didn't come and see her because he knew he wouldn't be able to leave.

I think he is feeling guilty. I think I will put things on hold for a while. I won't die without him. Haven't yet. I will be tough but better to end it then have him treat me bad or him feel guilty and potentially avoid his daughter. Thanks