Don't know what you have until it's gone

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Don't know what you have until it's gone
11
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 2:03pm
I have been reading this board since yesterday. I think it is a great thing to have somewhere to talk about the one thing in our lives that we can't talk to anyone about. Anyway, I am in a sitation that I did not consider an affair until now, that it seems it is over. I have a SO that I have been with for 6 years and have been having sex with a MM that I work with. The whole thing started with flirting and then went to HEAVY flirting, and then in a matter of days we kissed, and then had sex. I had decided after we ended up kissing and touching (all clothes on) that we COULD not sleep together and we would just stop the flirting clod turkey, because it was stiring this incredible HEAT between us. I have never had the build up of wanting someone so badly as I did with this guy. Any way we did the whole, O.k. we should stop, and then the do you want to meet at lunch today back and forth that I am sure you are all familiar with. The las time we had sex was Friday at lunch. (his initiation)- He has initiated it every time but one. Anyway the reason the whole thing came about was that neither one of us was getting things "taken care of" at home. My So and I have other problems on top of the sex issue, but MM says that that is his only problem. O.K. - to my delimma, we never really defined terms (MM & I) and he has not been at work this week until today. Well he comes in today like nothing happened - I haven't heard from him all week, and so I threw the offer out there at lunch. i called him after he left the office and said. I was going to see if you wanted to meet, but I guess it is to late - ha was already home- and he said, but thanks for the offer. So, what is the deal. I didnt really consider what we were doingas a affair, but now that it feels over - no flirting, denial of offer, it kind of stings like something has ended that I really enjoyed. Noe I am wondering, does he just think I am a whore and wants nothing to do with me. Am I no longer attractive to him? OF course this also is a bit of an ego punch because i get turned down at home at least 1/3 of the time I ask for it. Should I just wait to see if he brings it up again, or what. Thanks for any replies, I know this was a long, involved post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 2:29pm
why are you with your so if you are getting what you need out of the relationship?

maybe mm thought it was a one time thing..maybe feels guilty. do you know if he's had previous affairs?

i say if he gives you the cold shoulder then move on. it doesn't seem like there were many emotion involved..get out while you're ahead

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 2:39pm
I couldn't quite interpret your first question. Was it why am I with my SO? I love him very much, but I am leaving for several reasons. First and foremost is that we do not have the same life goals. I want marraige and family he does not. We are 25 & 26 and have been together for 6 years and he still does not want these things. He has said he probably never will. Plus, I get only negitive from my SO. I don't do things right, I ask for sex to much, everything I do is wrong. I can not take that anymore. If it was why did I hook up with the MM. I is pretty basic I guess, he gave me what I was not getting at home - attention, he made me feel like I was hot again, instead of just a obligitory F**k. It felt REALLT GOOD to have someone WANT me so badly again. My SO has not made me feel that way in a few years now. I can recall only ONCE in the last few years that he told me I looked hot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 2:56pm
sorry i had a typo.

i was wondering why you were staying with your so.

i agree you shouldn't stay together if your goals for the future are not the same. you want someone who makes you want to be a better person..compliments you..not focus on the negative.

has mm said he would leave his w?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 2:57pm
I have to say, this is a good reason to get out of your R with your SO. I know someone who wants, more than anything in the world, to have children. She's been married for a long, long time and her husband never wanted them. When she was younger she thought she could deal with it but now she's nearing 40 and still no children and she's getting more and more anxious and, guess what? Her H isn't budging. Not an inch. She loves her H so I guess she's willing to never have the children she wants, but I can see the heartbreak in her eyes every time she talks about it. SO means Significant Other, right? So that means you aren't married? My question is, why haven't you left already? What are your reasons for staying this long? Are there still feelings of love for SO?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 7:02pm
Sorry it took so long to reply. I had to log off for a while. Actually, I have recently decided to leave my SO. I Do still love him, but not enough to sacrifice my future dreams of a family. He has even said he might be willing to sart a family in few years , BUT NOT GET MARRIED. It finally all came clear to me a few weeks ago. We talked about things, and I have decided to leave. It may sound odd, but the thing with the MM kind of helped me realize that I am ready to walk away. I have no feelings of regret, and I reallt only do not want to get caught because I do not want my SO to think that that is the reason I am leaving, I want him to see the real reason. I have decided to stay together through the holidays, and then sell our house (neither one of us wants to keep it alone)and move to my own place around the first of the year. I guess it sounds odd to be doing it this way, but so far everything has been very agreeable. We have talked about how we will split everything up (possesions)We still love each other, but I have noticed a pulling away from each other. I guess this is a natural thing for the heart to protect itself. Thank you so much for the honest opinions. I have posted about possibly leaving my SO on some of the other boards and you all seemed to give of the best vibes. I still am not sure about what to do about MM. We never really talked about terms, is this going to be a regular thing, just once (to late for that) or what. But the flirting started a little over a month ago.He came into the office one day all sheepish and told me that he had a dream that I was table dancing for him naked, and he liked it. He kept joking about going to take a nap and jump back into the dream. We filrted for a few weeks, and then I think it was 3 weeks ago whenwe had sex for the first time. (he initiated) We had sex again a few days later ( i offered) and then it has been once a week since then (except this week.) He wanted to meet early last week and we kissed and I said we had to stop, but then on Friday he asked em to meet him at lunch and I did. I have really been the one going back and forth, we shouldn't do this, well why not. He did say that he did not start flirting with me just to see if he could get me into bed, and that he liked spending time with me. But he also has said that the only problem he really has with his W is that she never wants to have sex. Like it has been several weeks at a time. This is hard for me to imagine because I like to have sex at least 4 times a week. I have wondered if maybe she has something going on that he does not know about. They have been married for 13 years (he is only in his mid thirties) the last time he got her to have sex he had to say put out or get out. To me this seems reasonable, because sex is a part of any healthy relationship. If it has to beged for I would think that is big red flag.

I don't really want to stop. But I have been hurt and rejected so much by my soon to be ex SO, I am afraid to have the "what exactly are our terms" talk and get rejected by MM also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:46pm

I felt the need to comment on a few things you've said here.


First of all, about your situation with MM...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 7:28am
Thank you for your comments. It is nice to get all different perspectives. What you said makes a lot of sense, and I was kind of thinking that also. Thant we learned something from it. I did not find it at all crude or offensive. I guess I only wanted to hang on the affair to have someone to go to to make me feel sexy to help me get through the next few months with my SO. But, it is not fair to ask him to make a mess of his marraige that he wants to hang onto to help me get therough the end of a relationship that I want to get out of. I think the fact that I am ending my relationship with my SO may have freaked my MM out a little bit. Like I was ending it for him, which I am not. I will take my valuable lessons learned and my new attitude of well, maybe I CAN find guys that think I am attrative if I leave. Thank you for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 7:37am
This may seem like a stretch, but is it possible this week was the week his wife did "put out?" I've noticed when MM pulls away from me, often it's after his wife has done something out of the ordinary (usually surprised him by initiating sex), especially after it's been a while. If not, it's possible he just got a big case of the guilts anyway. There's nothing you can do but give him the time he needs and try not to push.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 8:58am
I just talked to MM. Actually I caught him checking out my a**. I playfully asked him what he was looking at. And he said that he was trying to figure out what color you panties were. This led to a talk. I told him that I thought that he did not want to continue with the relationship. He asked why I thought that & I said because of yesterday. He said that he was strying to respect my wishes. He thought I wanted to wait the two minths until after I left my SO. I said that I did not care anymore, because my relationship w/ my SO was really over that we were waiting the 2 Mos. For convenience. MM did not realize that my SO & I had already talked abouthe separation terms (prpoerty & such) He though my SO did not know I was leaving. MM said that he knows what he WANTS (meetings w/ me)but he kind of neds to think about it some more. I left it up to him to decide since he still has an active (happy) marraige.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 9:34am
Some MM's like MW's or women who aren't available because they figure those women want to keep their primary relationship just as they do. They don't want to leave their families and the lives they've built over the years. Your MM may be afraid that once you are "available", you may become one of those singles who makes trouble for him at home or causes too much drama in his life.

Just something to think about.

Laugh Smiles

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