don't know why... just sad...
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| Wed, 10-01-2003 - 6:56pm |
I recently reconnected with my first love after 3 yrs of no contact. We were involved in an affair previously for a few years after he married. Then I married and ended it. About a month ago I felt compelled to talk to him. I jumped through hoops to find him. He lives in another state, etc. So, I found him, he was glad to hear from me and before I knew it we were planning to meet over the holidays.
Fast forward to now. We talk weekly, sometimes 2 or 3 times. We've done a lot of reminiscing and he has begun asking the difficult questions like: "what happened to us" and "what if i hadn't gotten married..." We talk a lot about the things we never got a chance to do, about the fact that although we've known each other 11 years, we never got the chance to really "know" each other (we began dating as teenagers and things always got in the way even years later)... and it makes me mad and sad like this wonderful, beautiful opportunity was stolen form us by time and circumstances and we can never get that back. It is fun just getting to know him again, but to know that it will never go farther than this (we're both married with very young children)just tears me apart.
I'm trying to keep a level head about this, to see things as they are, but I've begun to treat my husband differently. I've begun to resent him for not being OM when he knows nothing about our history together. How do I snap out of it? And how do I stop torturing myself by wondering if OM is doing the same thing?
This got to be longer than I intended, but I'm sitting here fighting back tears because I miss him so much and just want to run to him.
Thanks for the ears.
T.

Hi T... I'm sorry that you are feeling this way... it's never an easy place to be... I have been there, so I know.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
You really painted a clearer picture with your reply and it's so good to here from someone who has BTDT. I've been sitting here at work thinking about this thing for the last hour or so and I've realized that while I still long to be solely with MM and mourn what we had/could have, the only way we can be completely happy with each other (not resent each other, not be taken through emotional and financial hell with D's) is to remain as we are.
Thanks so much.
T.
I understand what you are going through so well. I wish someone would've given me this advice, but truthfully, I probably wouldn't have listened. My suggestion would be to slowly end the contact. We even tried talking about our s/o's and the things we enjoyed about them. It didn't work. It just made the both of us jealous and want eachother more.
There are no easy answers. I'd say to follow your heart - but don't. Feelings are traitorous creatures, and in this case, you may get yourself into a situation you might not be strong enough to get out of.
Hugs. :)