Don't understand why he does this, help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Don't understand why he does this, help
8
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 9:20am

Ugh ugh ugh ugh. I have been waiting until the BF was gone so I could vent this and ask for your thoughts (particularly board guys!).

So quick recap (sorry to all who are sick of my recaps; you can just skip to the next paragraph). Intense, passionate affair with MM where I had a contract job. He was so into me, called me his girlfriend, was always talking about things he wanted us to do together, always touching me, holding me, we were really hot and heavy, texting ALL the time. Then around his wedding anniversary, he really pulled back and started feeling guilty. But said he wanted us to continue. Was hot and cold for the next month, which brought me to my contract end. Was hot in the last 2 weeks, I told him he he had to figure out if he wanted us to continue, he was really hot after that, told me on my last day that he definitely wanted us to continue, and always did but just had to work through some stuff. Said we would make plans to get together really soon. Okay so that was last thursday.

I've been waiting to hear from him (its been killing me) since then, and I had a feeling I wouldn't hear from him until closer to the end of the week and after starting to really panic and get upset, he finally texted me yesterday. I was ridiculously happy. It was a nice message, asking me how i was doing, what i was up to, calling me by his pet name for me.

So i respond pretty casually, telling him what i'm doing, jokingly asking if he missed me at work. then he responds that work is boring and that is isn't the same without me (insert pet name). asks me some more questions. then says 'lets make plans to hook up soon cutie'.

soooo i respond casually, answer his questions, then say yeah i want to see you soon but don't want to be pushy. i ask if he has any ideas, then suggest hotel cause it might be easiest.

THEN NO RESPONSE. later in the day i see he posted on facebook he is going for a ride on his motorbike and his status is asking if anyone wants to join him. so i playfully text him and say i want to go for a ride. have fun, don't be a stranger. NO RESPONSE STILL.

okay honestly wtf? i am so frustrated. i don't understand why he initiates the conversation, says all these things, talks about us getting together, then when i respond, nothing. obviously he got the text message. so what the heck?!!! so now i'm back to just waiting around to hear from him.

i hate this and don't understand! it's like his texts are a fix for my junkie habit, except the high isn't as good any more and i just start craving the next because the highs just leave me wanting more. so unsatisfying. i just don't get it.

he's had ample opportunity to back out and he hasn't. he has always maintained that he wants us to continue. he does things that shows me he wants to keep seeing me. but then he does things that i just don't understand why he'd do if that's what he really felt. and i hate how vague this 'lets get together soon' bulls**t is.

my friend said i should try and view it as an 'ongoing conversation', rather than a total diss and ignore.

i just don't know. i'm not going to text him again. once again, as usual, the ball is in his court.

this just hurts so much because it was COMPLETELY different before he got all guilty. he wouldn't stop texting me and i even thought multiple times wow, this guy likes me even more than i like him. so all of this is like a slap in the face.

ugh i really needed to vent and if anyone has any thoughts or insights or advice, i'd be really happy to hear it (and i'm not ready to totally call it quits with him).

thanks all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 10:49am

Hi Lucy,

I think when your friend is around you, he gets caught up in the moment, he doesn't think of any consequences. With that said, when he is talking to you, he has sincere feelings and cravings for you, but when he is away his focus changes to his life and his wife.

Best of luck, remember we can not control our AP actions, we can only control our own, and we are the only ones who can decide what we are allowing ourselves to live.

LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER!!! When you hit curves hold on....when you go up hill be patient....when you go down fast....throw your hands up....scream, hold your breath.....and rush back to get in line again. Life keeps moving, so should you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 11:20am
I know how you feel. I know you read my post, and that is pretty much how mine played out. I have come to the conclusion most men are a*** and why we give in to this continually I will never know. Your best answer, but the hardest, is to ignore him for awhile. If he texts, dont text back. Make him text a second time before your respond. Men typically want what they dont have, so if he thinks he doesnt have you where he wants you, he will panic. That has been proven time after time. Good advice.....advice I cant seem to follow....LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 11:53am

For one thing, I think your relationship may have evolved from the pursuit stage to the next stage which sees behaviors change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 12:23pm

Hmm, very valid points. Thank you Eli, it really helps hearing the male perspective.

So my next question is, what do I do? Should I just chill out and let him come to me? That's what I did for the last two weeks of my contract and it seemed to work wonders (he kept coming to me).

Do I even say anything about it frustrating me that he texts me and then just doesn't respond? I figure I won't. I really haven't made a big deal about much, because I don't want to become another nagging presence in his life, like you said. I just want this to be fun for both of us! He has no idea how much this is tormenting me.

I figure I'm going to wait until he texts me again. He knows how I feel and that I want to see him. He has said the same to me. So I'll wait. And get on with my life.

Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 12:34pm

Hi Lucy..

mm here in an A w/ a mw..

Yeah,I'd be VERY frustrated if I were you as well. Unfortunately, a lot of the other posters are correct.

One, the thrill of the hunt is quite real for men. Once the game is captured, and the thrill is over, it is more fun to seek other game than turn what you captured into some kind of a R.

Sex drive is a HUGE motivator for men as well. When we are in heat, which is quite frequent, we'll do/say anything to get laid, especially with a willing accomplice. And once that happens, whatever we may have said or done to get laid, has served its purpose. And it's time to move on.. until we are really horny again.. if there is a woman available to hang in there with all this bs with us, even better.. then we think she deserves what she's getting since she's settling for us, and if she could do better, she would have done already and moved on.. as long as she's coming back for more of this goodness, who is to blame us.. so no foul, no harm..

Obviously, this is a generalization.. but especially in As, and even in non-A dating, it's quite typical to see this male attitude, especially in "player"s.. how, why, etc .. well, after cooking and diet books, the bookstores and libraries are full of women are from venus, men are from mars type books.. so there are tons of explanations out there..

How do you "protect" yourself from this?

You tell me. I'd like to know your opinions as to how you can avoid to be in this situation.

Good luck..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 12:35pm

This is why I let my previous A end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 9:08pm

You are obviously a smart girl and are recognizing the the patterns that are developing in your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 1:16am

The answer to your question is quite easy....he's in it for the sex, perhaps companionship, although I'd place my bet more on the sex. He's really not all that invested in it. He'll take it when, where and IF he so chooses. You, however, are obviously more emotionally involved. If you weren't, you wouldn't be posting here. Therefore, you have to make the choice...do you continue to see someone that is really not serious about you, that is married to someone else and is going to stay that way and just take it for what it is, or are you going to savor the memories and just move on yourself because to not do so is almost surely going to cause you heartache and pain in the long run? Hell, it already is!

On a side note, since you're not married, why are you stepping out on your BF? If you're not happy with him, shouldn't you break it off rather than cheat? Because in all honesty, cheating isn't a great thing. Why do it if you don't have to? You're single. Hope you're not considering marrying the guy, because, really, the relationship obviously has some problems already if you're stepping out on it.