'don't wanna prevent you from moving on'

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
'don't wanna prevent you from moving on'
10
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 11:19am

Hi all,


Would love to hear input ---would appreciate all, but also that of those on relatively longterm or stable As that seem to be working out well... My situation in a nutshell, single, tried to end it with MM but did not. Both sort of decided to live 'the moment'. Strong EA. Also PA (but limited, not gone all the way ---his choice not to go all the way which weirds me out btw).


Current issue that would like input on: I am a 'one man gal',

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 11:47am
Honey, you tested him and I'm afraid that's a test he will fail every time.
Carrrrrried...away2
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 12:29pm

Thank you carried away. You make good points. I guess I'm just (in addition to everything else) sort of shocked at the fact that, in my opinion, he has it 'good' (has a W, and then in addition a 'young thing' who likes him -he's late 50's, I'm mid-30's, and on top of it I'm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 2:50pm
I feel your pain and I've recently been there done that. He seemed to care for me, told me I didn't realize just how much he cared about me. I realize he's in an impossible situation to get out of. I told him I couldn't be in a relationship like this where I'm always second, we seldom see each other, he can't call during the holidays, and haven't heard from him since. I guess it just goes to show how much he does value me to make no attempt at all to hold onto what we had. It does hurt and you will have both good and bad days but remember that they do get better and you do deserve better. Don't waste your youth on a man who will never be able to give you what you want and need from a relationship. (((((HUGS)))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 5:14pm

Thank you a2mya... I hope things get better for you too... Your are right. He will never be able to give me what I deserve. And I guess in addition he chooses not to give what I have been willing to settle for -and I acknowledge 'settle' is a terrible word, but that is what we are all doing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 12:25am

For me, kmj...it was the lack of value I placed on


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 8:47am

Your AP could care for you and be looking at your youth verses his own. He's invested so many years into his M, has years of wisdom ahead of you, and realizes just how many people would be hurt if he left his M. Starting with W down to grandchildren and couldn't bear the guilt he would feel by letting down so many people. He realizes how precious youth is and doesn't want you to sacrifice it on him. I have no idea what is running around in his head but this is a thought.

My AP and I were together for a week while we were both away on business. We met over a year ago and there was attraction at first sight. But we never acted on it until this year while we were both on a business trip. We interact through work and it's so hard just seeing him sign into his IM each morning and hearing his name mentioned in the office. I'm so thankful we aren't in the same office. We never had IC but spent every night together, spooning and with our fingers intertwined in each others. He even wanted to meet up for lunch once we both were halfway home. He told me he thinks of me every time a particular song is played and that he cares for me much more than I realize. He was even jealous of a guy friend that I have! lol He told me he hasn't called since that week and that we haven't seen each other because his W is always suspicious when he comes home from a business trip and that he hoped things would be better after Christmas. I know he can't leave because he would be faced with child support and alimony but I feel that if he truly cared for me the way he says he does he could at least find a way to call and so I ended it. I've learned from my own M that actions speak volume over words. He also told me that he knows I'm much further along than he is in filing for divorce and that he isn't the "perfect" man to have an A with. He hasn't even bothered to email/IM me since I emailed him the "Dear John" letter. All our communication since returning from the trip has been through email/IM. We would IM all day throughout the day. Like I said...actions speak loud!

As for your question concerning gifts...I was in a previous A and he wanted to give me money for my phone bill since we had talked so much but never bought me any gifts. There was a man whom I went out with once and he wanted to buy me something extravagant on a first date! I declined because I knew I wasn't going to see him again. I really messed up by not ever seeing him again. He was very attentive, honest, kind, and had the money to spend. :( I believe when they truly care for you they do want to give back to you in whatever way they can. This can be attention, gifts, or just their time.

Edited 12/16/2008 10:16 am ET by addicted2mya




Edited 12/16/2008 10:18 am ET by addicted2mya
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 8:49am

You know, I think you actually might have a decent guy there who's not willing to lie or fake jealousy just to keep you on his string. Yeah, a lot of guys "seem" to value their "side dish" more, but are they really valuing them, or are they selfishly "playing" them to keep them to themselves and keep them from ever having a life of their own?

In my A, I'm the married one. I've made it very clear that my OM should pursue any relationships that appeal to him because he deserves to be happy and have his own family. He has done so a few times in the years we've been together, none have worked out. I wouldn't dream of acting jealous - what right do I have to do that?? Maybe if I was able to give him more time and attention I would feel more entitled to be jealous but if I'm just giving him a little time here and there, and he's always on the outskirts of my life, unable to even be a recognized "friend", then I have no right to keep him from finding something better. One of my wishes every single new year's eve is for him to find happiness in whatever way is possible.

You really need to evaluate what you're doing with your life, and how many years you're willing to waste on being this man's A/P with no hope of anything lasting in return.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 7:02pm

Thank you a2mya... everything you say sounds so familiar... I appreciate your time in answering and telling me about your situation. It actually helps me see my own situation more objectively if that makes sense...


(((Thank you)))


k

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 7:06pm

With clarity,


You are right... bottomline this ends up being very bittersweet b/c we choose to 'settle'. I think I am seeing the light (not the first time, but each time helps, maybe this time I'll get to move on).


thank you,


k

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 7:13pm

Lexione,


I was not thinking about the point of view you present... that's a possibility, he could actually be thinking of me first... however I am beginning to realize though that what matters is that I am not happy anymore with this. I want more of a R and he cannot give it. He chooses to 'pour' everything he has into his time with W. And that is supposedly a W that he has said he is not happy with... I am not at peace with the fact that he just gives almost 'all' to someone who does not cherish him at all (for all I know he is the 'nicer' one in their R)... I think I