don't you want more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
don't you want more?
13
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:30am
Maybe it's because I'm so new to all of this and the inexperience is kicking in, but I can't help but read through the archives of posts here and wonder how the majority of you here can be ok, be satisfied with just an A. My A started about a month and a half ago, and it's been a crazy whirlwind of emotions and if I was to think that it was always going to be an A, I would get out now. I'm not ok with the sneaking around, with the not being able to go out in public, with the constant worrying about being caught......how do those of you who've been doing this for a long time, handle those feelings? I'm having trouble enough trying to keep my heart from getting too attached to this wonderful person I'm with that thinking of it always being like this really frightens me. We're both in relationships (I'm married, he's in a long term relationship) but we've already talked about leaving and I think it's only a matter of time. But I guess my real question is, how do you handle all the emotions that come with this? How do you keep yourself from writing long, crazy, emails in the middle of the night? How can you not want more than this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:38am
In my A, I am actually happy with where I am with MM right now.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:48am
I agree with that soo much...I am the MM and i feel that way about my OW..I just want her anyway i can get her. And for now this is th eonly way it can be, as i have a small son and just cant bear to leave till he gets older.We said we wouldnt let feelings get to deep and we are both finding out we lied to ourselves because the feelings were already deep before we even kissed. Once we did it just opened up the gates, i find myself in bed at night with the W and decide to go take a shower just so i can text the OW back and have a short convo. I get so much more from the A then i do from my W. Bottom line i guess through all the rambling is that sometimes its better to have just a piece of someone, then not have any of them at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:50am
I totally agree, bigsecrets.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:55am
thanks =). Now the tough part comes in a week and a half...my OW leaves for 3 months. Im going to be so crushed. Its going to be a rough summer. Im sure ill be here needing the support. Only been here a few days but feel real comfortable already! I know theres still a week and a half or so till she leaves. So why cant i just think about good things and worry about that then? It seems all my thoughts are about her leaving. She isnt just my OW she is my best friend, my W's best friend too. W has no idea of the A and ijust know im going to have to try and keep my head up or W will get suspicious..Sorry just venting. Boy its gonna be a tough summer =(
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:02am
I am in your boat as well, but not as drastic.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:18am
Yes, I DO want more. That's why I'm thinking about ending it after only 5 months into it. (I've known MM for two years, but it just recently became physical.) I want to leave my marriage, I want him to leave his marriage, I want us to try having a life together . . . The thing is, that involves hurting A LOT of innocent people, kids included. It also involves our reputations, the inevitable gossip, probably losing friendships. Those are a lot of obstacles to overcome. It's overwhelming to think about.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:16am
birdie

My situation is very similar. Way too many obstacles to make it worth while. My mm and I have been together 7 mos. and I am wrestling with telling him that I have feelings for him (even though he told me once) because of the fact that we discussed this before and agreed that we wouldn't leave our families. I still don't plan on doing that and don't expect him to, but it is true You sometimes WISH so hard that things could be different. I sometimes feel envious of his W because she will have him the rest of her life.

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:39am
I hear ya. You do want more don't you?? That was me probably a year ago, wanting more. Not anymore.I guess that tell me I shouldn't be posting on this board much not for long anyway. Yipeee!!!! It feels good to be free.. Free as a bird to flyway without worries, dissapointments and betrayal..

But don't let me deter you write that long email to him in the middle of the night GF. I can see where are coming from, it can be a good high (on the roller caoster) while it lasts..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:44pm
Juliet--I wonder: what happened in your relationship? Did you decide to end it because you wanted more than he could (or would) give? I ask because I'm new to the board, and because I really wonder the same things.

I've read many of the posts here and some of you have been in affairs for years, and why haven't you gone insane? I especially read the posts about whether or not you discussed your sex lives with each other. I would not be in my relationship now if I thought he would sleep with his wife, or that it was more than just a matter of time before their marriage ended. They don't sleep in the same room or touch at all, and haven't in many months.

Of course, I have so many doubts that linger in my mind. You know the one your Moms always told you: Men don't leave. Men will always lie, especially when they have the best of both worlds. And my favorite: there's two sides to every story. Is he lying to me about the state of his marriage? Is he lying when he tells me his child is the reason he is staying, and that his wife is a screaming, shrew-hag who is always drunk?

I really don't know if he's lying. I choose to think that he isn't, and that we will always love each other. I just don't know how long I can hold on, always being 2nd or 3rd on his list, or not speaking to him on weekends because she is always nearby. I want so much more than he will give me right now, and I don't know whether to wait around (it's been 8 months) or tell him to give a call when he's free.

I guess Life is just a big gamble like that...

--E

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:05pm
It hurts so bad to know that you finally meet your soul mate but can't be with them. Similar to some of the replies that you received, as much as my MM and I feel that we belong together, there are way too many obstacles to go through: reputation, hurting families, hurting my husband, his child, etc. It's too much.

I am just thankful that we found each other. We are 800 miles away from each other so it is difficult to see each other (every one or two months). We leave each other voicemails at work, e-mail, and on rare occassion...talk on the phone once a week.

I often find myself jealous when I see younger single people. I wish I could start over and know that my MM was my soul mate. BUT...we have made our decisions and we are just making the most of it as best we can:-).

GOOD QUESTION, by the way:-)

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