The dreaded L word...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
The dreaded L word...
10
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 7:43pm
How long were you into your EMA before either you or your MM used it for the first time?

It almost got there during a gut-wrenching emotional showdown this week.

We're now at...

Me -- "I can't or won't put a label on how I feel about you."

Him -- "What I am feeling for you frightens me very much because it means I can no longer ignore these issues in my life."

He says we have to stop sleeping together because his extreme physical attraction to me is "clouding" his feelings. I already know this is not going to happen -- I give it not much more than a week -- because I am not committed to it and he has no willpower, and we've many times had to leave public places just because one of us touched the other a certain way or said something...we have each other's numbers big-time. This was a huge surprise, since we were friends for many years before stepping over the line and...who knew?

Then he tells me he just went out and bought another motorcycle helmet -- these are the ones with the full-face visors that cost several hundred dollars -- so that I could always ride with him. (The W never has, doesn't like it.) Oh yeah, and he'll be by Sunday "after church" to pick me up. (The church thing astounds me. He goes faithfully, even though he flagrantly disregards the 7th Commandment.)

The L word...scary to get so close with someone who has a lot of trouble showing emotion. I've noticed him pulling back the last couple of days...but I also know he's been busy at work -- affected by the Big Blackout.

So it is a dazed and confused Friday night. Got an appointment first thing tomorrow to get my hair done. Half of me wants to get it all hacked off and the other half...he likes it long and he plays with it and it is very erotic. Boy, if that's not a metaphor for what I'm going through, I don't know what is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:17pm
Yep, I have sure been there! It took MM and I 2 years into the EMA to say L-word. We finally admitted it 4 months ago. We also danced around the issue for a long time. MM used to pull away at first when we got too intense. Always after a particularly intense time together, he would back off a little. Nothing major, but you know how we all seem to obsess and replay every word and action 1000 times so it would be apparent to me.

Finally, we were together on an out of town trip. We were so close that trip. One night, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I started crying. He never saw that before. I had always been very stoic about our A. Him: What's wrong? Me: I hate this! Him: I am sorry that I can't offer you more. Me: I am sorry that I can't tell you how I feel. Goodnight. The next day..Me: I am sorry I had a melt down. It is just too perfect being with you like this. Him: Hey, we both know that we love each other.

We had a long talk and say it everyday now. Weird thing is he stopped pulling away. We are closer than ever!

Good luck

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 10:46pm
Wow... I don't know if I can do this for 2 years. It's been a little over 2 months and already it is taking an awful toll on me. I guess it's so bad because because we've been friends and colleagues for so long and know so many of the same people (who would be shocked if they had a clue). I'm like...this is my friend. How did this happen? How did we get here?

How we got here.... I went out of town to work for six months, not knowing when or even if I would be back. We kept up an e-mail correspondence...nothing special...just friends. My kids were not happy that I was away; my older one missed me, the younger one did not want to move at the end of the school year and join me. So I found another job back in the home port...told my friend I was coming back. I had a rental truck, my older son and his friends for manual labor, no place to live...was hanging out in a hotel waiting for the condo I was renting to be ready.

Was feeling like a transient when I went and had dinner with my friend one night downtown. We walked back to my car and his bike, and suddenly he hugs me and says, "I'm so glad you're back." And I hugged him and I said, "Yeah, me too." And there we stood. And we hugged tighter...and the bottom dropped out of my stomach. And I looked up at him -- he is tall and I am short -- and there was no mistaking the look on his face.

To make a long story short, we walked around downtown till the wee hours, stopping to hug and kiss... Very hard to say good-bye to him that night, but we were lovers 5 days later.

His marriage was dead in the water before I entered the picture -- no kids, they lead parallel lives -- but this is someone who is very set in his ways and very uncomfortable with emotions. I know that this whole thing has rocked his world seriously and I knew he was scared to death before he even told me.

I have no idea where it will go. The push-pull is very difficult to live with, but I understand it completely. I'm kind of skittish myself...was married almost 20 years to a world class control freak, and my independence is very important to me. He spends a lot of time with me; I work an erratic schedule and he takes vacation days to be with me during the week when I have off. I don't know what he tells the W. I asked him if he thought she would care if she knew and he said probably.

He's met my kids; they like him because he makes me happy but they don't know he is a MM... He watches junk TV with the younger one. When he makes me put on all kinds of protective gear before he takes me anywhere on his bike, they tell me to stop complaining because he is concerned about my safety and so are they.

I think he will probably leave the marriage, but I really don't want him leaving it for me. I want him to leave for himself...get his own place...be on his own...get his own head screwed on straight. He has told me he doesn't think he is good marriage material at all, and that may be true. (It may also be true of me, if I am honest with myself.)

Geez, I thought I was too old to get caught up in this kind of high drama B.S. at this stage in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 9:46am
Your story is a lot like mine. We are colleagues also. What makes it even worse is that he is a high level exec and I am in senior management and we work together on various projects. He is my "boss" on those. Ugh! I am also way too old for this and way too serious about my carreer to mess it up by sleeping with the boss. I know it sounds sleazy, but it didn't start out that way. Like you, he and I were friends for a long time first. At least I am no longer his direct report. I was, but was able to switch around when the A started.

Funny thing with my situation (we are both M and have dead relationships with H/W), I am not sure that I would want him to leave his W. They were teenage sweethearts, went to college together and got married upon graduation. She stayed home, had kids..he worked his butt off and became very successful. From the outside, they have it made..big house, nice cars, kids in fancy colleges, etc. He grew out of the relationship. His kids are grown, but how can he leave her now?? Would I even want a man who would upgrade the W who stuck by him for a younger model?? On some level, I respect his decision to stay with her. Yep, I know "has his cake and eating it too, etc." How can I dispute it? I am in the same boat..married with grown kid and not sure if I should leave H. He is my best friend..just no passion. How could I just up and leave him?

Like you, I wonder if either of us are good marriage material. My guess is that we are not. I have no idea where our R is going. I love this man and have no doubts that he loves me too. All I know is that it gets harder and harder to keep this up. The highs and lows continue to be higher and lower as more emotions and feelings enter the picture. We drove each other crazy working together for years before I sleep with him. The chemistry b/t us is (was from day 1)almost tangible. I thought if I slept with him once maybe it would end the curiosity and I would get this man out of my system. We have been at this for over 2 years. It just keeps getting stronger and stronger, not fading as I originally intended. The introduction of the dreaded L word into our R only strengthened the bond. I dread the day that this has to end because I know someday it will.

Sorry for the ramblings. Just feels nice to let it out every now and then.

Good luck to us all

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 6:54pm
I appreciate your ramblings. Sometimes, it is just enough to know that I am not alone... I had a long phone phone conversation with a dear (male) friend about this situation last night. This friend and I tried being lovers a few years ago, but it just was Not Right...fortunately, the friendship endures. What he told me makes a lot of sense -- that MM and I got involved too deeply too fast, and maybe now is the time to back it off a little and see what happens.

Of course, we all know that is easier said than done. Tomorrow when we are out together, I will try and talk to MM about this -- motorcycles are not conducive to intimate conservations -- and see how he feels. He is already like...we just can't be lovers anymore right now because it is making me crazy. I know this won't last, but I've managed to heavily schedule myself over the next couple weeks so the opportunities to be alone together will be limited.

I'm like...OK...so this is now what? An EMA without sex?

I guess my biggest fear -- given my feeling that he will indeed leave his wife (this was a well-we've-been-dating-for-4-years-so-I-guess-this-is-the-next-step marriage) -- is that I will end up as the so-called "transitional woman" -- the one who gets him through all the emotional turmoil and deals with the wreckage. When he finally gets his head halfway screwed on straight, he looks at me and associates me with all that bad juju...

Then what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 3:06pm
He said it to me the night after we slept together for the first time. Then nothing for a month or so, but after we picked it back up again and were quite fitful and frantic about our sexual encounters (we did it everywhere every chance we got) he left town for 2wks and he told me over the phone that he loved me every call. After he came back he's said it again only once or twice. I have yet to say it to him. I don't just go around telling people I love them. I have to be sure first. Very very sure. It was over 1/2 a year of living together before I even said it to my bf.




Edited 8/17/2003 3:08:19 PM ET by derrygirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 7:17pm
We've been involved since the last week of April/first week of May. Somewhere around there. There's so much discussion here on when anniversaries are and that sort of thing. So I've been giving it thought and decided that whenever it was that I told him I was interested in starting something up with him would be when *I* considered our beginning. Even though it took a week or two before we kissed or anything. Trouble is, I don't remember exactly when it was, lol!!!!

I told him I love him a little over a month ago, so that would be at a little over the 3 month mark, and I've been using it very sparingly since. Pretty much I've only been saying it if I've been feeling full to overflowing by the emotion. So I've been telling him, probably, about once, maybe twice sometimes, in a week. He had said he cares deeply; cares more than I know; cares more than he should; wants me to be around forever; that sort of thing. And that has *really*, truly been okay with me. It has not bothered me at all that he didn't love me yet. It hasn't wierded him out that I've gotten to that point and he hasn't. He's been really honored by it and has treated it with great respect.

He finally told me earlier this week. And it was great to hear!! Since then we have said it to each other at least once a day in words and usually once a day in email, too, on the days we weren't in email NC land (the weekend). I wasn't rushing this, but I'll confess that I'm awfully glad we're here!!! Funny how it's making the weekend bearable. I live for our emails, because that's where we're establishing a lot of the emotional base for our relationship. We've gone through so much, discussed so much, revealed so much in emails that I check, like, every 15 minutes in the three time frames I know he tends to get online. But, he can't do the email thing on the weekends. Makes his g/f uncomfortable that he gets online when she's home, so we do the NC thing on the computer almost every weekend. And I HATE it!!! (I understand it and don't begrudge him taking care of business at home at all...but I hate it anyway!!) But this weekend, I'm taking it in stride. Funny how a little word like love will do that!!

And aren't guys so funny about the hair!!! I cut my shoulder-length hair last fall and you'd think I'd committed a mortal sin! We were just friends, then, but apparently he loved it. So, now I'm growing it out for him, lol! He didn't ask me to. He does so very, very, very much to make me happy, I figured it's the least I can do. But I think it's funny anyway!!!!!

Guys and hair. You know it's a sign of fertility, right? The funniest thing about that is a)he and I are each sterile by choice, so clearly neither of us WANT me to be fertile and b)I've got 4 kids--do we really need anymore proof of my fertility?? lol!!!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 7:26pm
first time my mm told me love me is oct 1991 he rang me up and told me he love me awwwwwwwww. l know my mm since 16 his family and ours very close friends that why l gotten to be with alot like holidays and trips to.we were together in cancun mexico in oct 2001 he told love me again over breakfast one morning . girls when told me love me again just way he was looking at me made feel so love and good inside. my mm has most sexies green eyes,l feel so love and safe with him.god how l need him right now. kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 7:04am
Church?? Well, my MM (affair ended last week on my birthday.. go figure!) sits in church weekly with his wife also. Isnt it strange?? I think they cant face facts and move forward. So hide your face under the helmet. I think the world should see people in love.. not hide them! So much for society's rules!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 12:46am
W doesn't go with him to church. W doesn't go with him on the motorcycle. W doesn't go with him much of anywhere or, apparently, care much about what he does or where he goes. That's why he's with me.

Real rocket science here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 1:38am
We professed our love and admitted to being "in love" with one another long before we ended up in bed together. The friendship had grown into so much more...I guess the length of time between the beginning of the emotional affair & the i love yous was, perhaps, a month...maybe. Brings back such beautiful memories... He said, "I love you" first.


Edited 8/19/2003 1:45:28 AM ET by kira_gaston