The dreaded L word...
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| Fri, 08-15-2003 - 7:43pm |
It almost got there during a gut-wrenching emotional showdown this week.
We're now at...
Me -- "I can't or won't put a label on how I feel about you."
Him -- "What I am feeling for you frightens me very much because it means I can no longer ignore these issues in my life."
He says we have to stop sleeping together because his extreme physical attraction to me is "clouding" his feelings. I already know this is not going to happen -- I give it not much more than a week -- because I am not committed to it and he has no willpower, and we've many times had to leave public places just because one of us touched the other a certain way or said something...we have each other's numbers big-time. This was a huge surprise, since we were friends for many years before stepping over the line and...who knew?
Then he tells me he just went out and bought another motorcycle helmet -- these are the ones with the full-face visors that cost several hundred dollars -- so that I could always ride with him. (The W never has, doesn't like it.) Oh yeah, and he'll be by Sunday "after church" to pick me up. (The church thing astounds me. He goes faithfully, even though he flagrantly disregards the 7th Commandment.)
The L word...scary to get so close with someone who has a lot of trouble showing emotion. I've noticed him pulling back the last couple of days...but I also know he's been busy at work -- affected by the Big Blackout.
So it is a dazed and confused Friday night. Got an appointment first thing tomorrow to get my hair done. Half of me wants to get it all hacked off and the other half...he likes it long and he plays with it and it is very erotic. Boy, if that's not a metaphor for what I'm going through, I don't know what is.

Finally, we were together on an out of town trip. We were so close that trip. One night, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I started crying. He never saw that before. I had always been very stoic about our A. Him: What's wrong? Me: I hate this! Him: I am sorry that I can't offer you more. Me: I am sorry that I can't tell you how I feel. Goodnight. The next day..Me: I am sorry I had a melt down. It is just too perfect being with you like this. Him: Hey, we both know that we love each other.
We had a long talk and say it everyday now. Weird thing is he stopped pulling away. We are closer than ever!
Good luck
RH
How we got here.... I went out of town to work for six months, not knowing when or even if I would be back. We kept up an e-mail correspondence...nothing special...just friends. My kids were not happy that I was away; my older one missed me, the younger one did not want to move at the end of the school year and join me. So I found another job back in the home port...told my friend I was coming back. I had a rental truck, my older son and his friends for manual labor, no place to live...was hanging out in a hotel waiting for the condo I was renting to be ready.
Was feeling like a transient when I went and had dinner with my friend one night downtown. We walked back to my car and his bike, and suddenly he hugs me and says, "I'm so glad you're back." And I hugged him and I said, "Yeah, me too." And there we stood. And we hugged tighter...and the bottom dropped out of my stomach. And I looked up at him -- he is tall and I am short -- and there was no mistaking the look on his face.
To make a long story short, we walked around downtown till the wee hours, stopping to hug and kiss... Very hard to say good-bye to him that night, but we were lovers 5 days later.
His marriage was dead in the water before I entered the picture -- no kids, they lead parallel lives -- but this is someone who is very set in his ways and very uncomfortable with emotions. I know that this whole thing has rocked his world seriously and I knew he was scared to death before he even told me.
I have no idea where it will go. The push-pull is very difficult to live with, but I understand it completely. I'm kind of skittish myself...was married almost 20 years to a world class control freak, and my independence is very important to me. He spends a lot of time with me; I work an erratic schedule and he takes vacation days to be with me during the week when I have off. I don't know what he tells the W. I asked him if he thought she would care if she knew and he said probably.
He's met my kids; they like him because he makes me happy but they don't know he is a MM... He watches junk TV with the younger one. When he makes me put on all kinds of protective gear before he takes me anywhere on his bike, they tell me to stop complaining because he is concerned about my safety and so are they.
I think he will probably leave the marriage, but I really don't want him leaving it for me. I want him to leave for himself...get his own place...be on his own...get his own head screwed on straight. He has told me he doesn't think he is good marriage material at all, and that may be true. (It may also be true of me, if I am honest with myself.)
Geez, I thought I was too old to get caught up in this kind of high drama B.S. at this stage in my life.
Funny thing with my situation (we are both M and have dead relationships with H/W), I am not sure that I would want him to leave his W. They were teenage sweethearts, went to college together and got married upon graduation. She stayed home, had kids..he worked his butt off and became very successful. From the outside, they have it made..big house, nice cars, kids in fancy colleges, etc. He grew out of the relationship. His kids are grown, but how can he leave her now?? Would I even want a man who would upgrade the W who stuck by him for a younger model?? On some level, I respect his decision to stay with her. Yep, I know "has his cake and eating it too, etc." How can I dispute it? I am in the same boat..married with grown kid and not sure if I should leave H. He is my best friend..just no passion. How could I just up and leave him?
Like you, I wonder if either of us are good marriage material. My guess is that we are not. I have no idea where our R is going. I love this man and have no doubts that he loves me too. All I know is that it gets harder and harder to keep this up. The highs and lows continue to be higher and lower as more emotions and feelings enter the picture. We drove each other crazy working together for years before I sleep with him. The chemistry b/t us is (was from day 1)almost tangible. I thought if I slept with him once maybe it would end the curiosity and I would get this man out of my system. We have been at this for over 2 years. It just keeps getting stronger and stronger, not fading as I originally intended. The introduction of the dreaded L word into our R only strengthened the bond. I dread the day that this has to end because I know someday it will.
Sorry for the ramblings. Just feels nice to let it out every now and then.
Good luck to us all
RH
Of course, we all know that is easier said than done. Tomorrow when we are out together, I will try and talk to MM about this -- motorcycles are not conducive to intimate conservations -- and see how he feels. He is already like...we just can't be lovers anymore right now because it is making me crazy. I know this won't last, but I've managed to heavily schedule myself over the next couple weeks so the opportunities to be alone together will be limited.
I'm like...OK...so this is now what? An EMA without sex?
I guess my biggest fear -- given my feeling that he will indeed leave his wife (this was a well-we've-been-dating-for-4-years-so-I-guess-this-is-the-next-step marriage) -- is that I will end up as the so-called "transitional woman" -- the one who gets him through all the emotional turmoil and deals with the wreckage. When he finally gets his head halfway screwed on straight, he looks at me and associates me with all that bad juju...
Then what?
Edited 8/17/2003 3:08:19 PM ET by derrygirl
I told him I love him a little over a month ago, so that would be at a little over the 3 month mark, and I've been using it very sparingly since. Pretty much I've only been saying it if I've been feeling full to overflowing by the emotion. So I've been telling him, probably, about once, maybe twice sometimes, in a week. He had said he cares deeply; cares more than I know; cares more than he should; wants me to be around forever; that sort of thing. And that has *really*, truly been okay with me. It has not bothered me at all that he didn't love me yet. It hasn't wierded him out that I've gotten to that point and he hasn't. He's been really honored by it and has treated it with great respect.
He finally told me earlier this week. And it was great to hear!! Since then we have said it to each other at least once a day in words and usually once a day in email, too, on the days we weren't in email NC land (the weekend). I wasn't rushing this, but I'll confess that I'm awfully glad we're here!!! Funny how it's making the weekend bearable. I live for our emails, because that's where we're establishing a lot of the emotional base for our relationship. We've gone through so much, discussed so much, revealed so much in emails that I check, like, every 15 minutes in the three time frames I know he tends to get online. But, he can't do the email thing on the weekends. Makes his g/f uncomfortable that he gets online when she's home, so we do the NC thing on the computer almost every weekend. And I HATE it!!! (I understand it and don't begrudge him taking care of business at home at all...but I hate it anyway!!) But this weekend, I'm taking it in stride. Funny how a little word like love will do that!!
And aren't guys so funny about the hair!!! I cut my shoulder-length hair last fall and you'd think I'd committed a mortal sin! We were just friends, then, but apparently he loved it. So, now I'm growing it out for him, lol! He didn't ask me to. He does so very, very, very much to make me happy, I figured it's the least I can do. But I think it's funny anyway!!!!!
Guys and hair. You know it's a sign of fertility, right? The funniest thing about that is a)he and I are each sterile by choice, so clearly neither of us WANT me to be fertile and b)I've got 4 kids--do we really need anymore proof of my fertility?? lol!!!
Lucky
Real rocket science here....
Edited 8/19/2003 1:45:28 AM ET by kira_gaston