Dr.Phil Comment

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Dr.Phil Comment
5
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 6:52pm

A couple of days ago I was watching America's Favorite Psychologist aka Dr. Phil and the topic was "affair repair". He had a couple on and the H was having an affair. Dr. Phil asked the H if he wanted to leave or stay. Of course, on live TV H said he wanted to stay (even though this was his second affair and he cheated before they got married). Dr. Phil told him that the first thing he needed to do was end the affair and to do that he had to go NC immediately. That meant not calling,texting or meeting his AP to say goodbye or to explain. And the H said he would.


I understand that it is important to do what you can to save a marriage but of course all I could do was think about the poor man's AP. I mean suddenly, NC, not even to explain or say goodbye or thanks for the memories! Wow... AP's are people too! I guess we are so vilified in society that we don't merit common courtesy. Well at least public stoning is illegal....


p.s. - I've heard this type of advice before from relationship experts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
In reply to: pm_owl
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 7:40pm

Yeah, I don't understand why they can't at least send a letter/email stating they're ending it, please don't contact me again.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
In reply to: pm_owl
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 7:56pm

I also agree that this is a pretty COLD way to end... I'd be devastated :( Of course I'd be devastated to hear it's over as well, but I think people at least deserve an explanation.


If you do a lot of reading on the subject, you find that the "experts" come down in a couple of camps on this...some recognize the deep emotions that can be involved and try to do a weening off of sorts...so, some do recognize the pain in going NC. I think those are maybe ones who've been involved in a A ;)


I can see a BS wanting absolute and immediate NC...I guess it's up to WS and how badly he/she wants to save the M...if the pain of ending overrides the desire to save M...IDK, I just don't see any of it being a "one size fits all". The dynamics vary too much.


And you're also right in the villification...oddly though, that's the WORST here in the U.S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: pm_owl
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 8:48pm

I do understand the reasoning behind the immediate no contact - remember, the man said he wanted to stay married, there should be no "weaning", there should be N/C almost immediately. But I agree with you pm_owl - there should be one last contact allowed - whether it's a phone call, an e-mail or a text - he should be allowed to tell his AP that it's over. After that he can change his phone number, his e-mail, whatever he wants to change - but that one message should be sent. Otherwise she won't know if he's dead or in the hospital. Also, if there's simply a disappearance, it will greatly affect the AP's ability to move on. Until she (or he) knows what happened, she's not likely to move on and heal - she'll be waiting for that contact. It's just incredibly cruel.

And you're right, we as APs are greatly vilified. I've seen crime shows where women have been raped in their homes, and if it comes to light that she had an AP, the police decide she's making up the story! (True case I saw on TV). Almost as if, if we have an affair, we no longer deserve the protection of the law.

It's pretty scary to think about actually.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
In reply to: pm_owl
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 7:27am

well I think we are villified because the effects of affairs especially in marriage , are too damaging & painful , yet wayward spouse & ap willingly participate in the affair and that doesn't tell the people who are affected by it, that your are a kind & considerate person hence it doesn't make any sense to expect any coutsey from them considering what you are doing to them .

Btw , just to let you know that I am not married .

Best of luck




Edited 7/1/2010 7:29 am ET by bestplayer
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
In reply to: pm_owl
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:08am

I agree..I don't know what I would do if my AP just disappeared. That is my greatest fear and the cruelest thing he could do to me especially after 4 years. Shouldn't mental health professionals be concerned about the mental health of ALL involved?

Also, does hurting your AP beyond repair (in my case) really prove your commitment to the M? I know that if my H would not "allow" me to make that last call to at least say goodbye and explain I'm really not sure if I could commit myself back to the M. It would be way too controlling and wow...that would just be the tip of the iceberg as far as "proving yourself" noooo thanks.

chechi