EA soon to be more

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2009
EA soon to be more
5
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 8:58pm

This is my first time posting. I think I just need to vent since I have no one to confide in. I have been married for 14 years. H travels with work, gone more then he is home. We have a total of 4 children;3 of them grown and on their own. I should also say that 2 of the kids are mine from earlier M and 2 his from earlier M. But they all lived with us growing up with me as the major caregiver. I sometimes truly think that H picked this career (he has a degree in a completely diff field)after we married because he couldn't deal with all the kids at home. Now they are gone..I just have a lot of time on my hands.

I have a friend, hadn't seen him in a few years. We had been friends-friends that flirted a little but it had always been pretty innocent-acquaintances but recently found each other online. He confided that he had found his wife had been having a 2+ year affair. He was so hurt. They had grown apart, but he hadn't expected this. She came home and just told him on night and said she had no intention of ending the affair. That if he chose to divorce her, that was up to him but to think about how it would affect their family, emotionally and financially. They have been married 27 years and have an 11 year old and 18 year old. We talked, email and text. We finally decided to get together for dinner -its about an hour drive for each of us. Dinner was great..he was just as cute as I remembered..after dinner we went to a nearby park. We sat and talked..talk led to touching..touching led to kissing..was soooo great...

We both agreed that if this went further- there were no expectations. No life changes. My step daughter is 15 and I wouldn't want to do anything to upset her life right now. Because of our schedules we haven't been able to get together since that last meeting, it has been close to a month. We are planning this weekend. We talk of love, we talk of the physical side..he sends me sweet and romantic notes... we are not sure if this weekend will become physical both of us are a little afraid. It is crossing that final line..we both took our vows seriously and never thought we would be here..so once it goes further..it just makes it so much more real.

When we talk or text..he will say "if we were ever reincarnated- you would be mine forever" that drives me crazy. I cant decide if he means it in a sweet way or if he is trying to make sure I understand that this is all we will ever be..something secret and on the side. Then I wonder why that bothers me..I am the one that said I wouldn't want to change my home life.

I thought if I wrote this all out and got other opinions..it might help me understand a little more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 11:38pm

The only red flag that jumped out at me was that it sounds almost like he is wanting to have an A to get back at his W. She did it, so he is going to. Naturally he is going to be sweet and romantic now-it would be interesting to see if it continues. If they have an open M, it will be much easier for him than for you-you would have a lot more to lose. Keeping the secret is pretty draining.


Also, I think most of us on here would tell you that it is a heck of a rollercoaster ride. Nearly impossible to keep emotions out of it. You are already wondering about your ground rules and it hasn't even gone that far.


Honestly, I would rethink it. If you aren't happy in your M, you should think about divorcing or working on it. Kids, especially 15 year olds, can pick up on unhappiness and it is doing her no favor to stay in a bad M.


However, if you go ahead, we'll be here to support you. Just know that it can be horribly lonely, painful and scary. If discovery occurs, there is pain for everyone. Really think what you want out of this and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 3:44am
I agree with snowstorm. The first thing I thought was that he is looking to get back at his wife for having an affair. If you decide to move forward, keep your eyes wide open..........
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 7:08am
I had an affair five months ago and my H found out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 07-04-2009 - 7:39am
I disagree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Sat, 07-04-2009 - 8:54am
Guess it depends on where you are in your relationship.