A's early on in marriage
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| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 8:56am |
I think having an A so early on speaks volumes about the poor quality of the marriage. I could see having an A after 15-20 years of marriage because of boredom, needing excitement, etc. but still feeling fully vested in the marriage. However, I am in an A so early in my marriage. I've only been in it 1.5 years. MM has been in his 3 years. No kids for either of us. Our A seems almost like we're "dating". The rules of course are a bit different, but the way MM has approached it makes me think that he's looking for that special someone while he's still married. Both he and I have been serial monogamists our whole lives. Both of us tended to stay in relationships for at least a few years. So I think for both of us, the idea of getting a divorce and being single in the big, bad world was a scary thought. So both of us ended up starting a R before ending the old ones.
I just can't imagine being in an A so early in a M and imagining what my M will be like in 10, 20, 30 years--I just absolutely cannot see myself staying with H now that I've broken the trust so early.

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I would tell you to definitely look closely at your marriage. Why did you marry him? Really understand "why".
I had to reply to your post. I was married less than a year when I had an A. I have been married 20 years and this is my second. I was married too young (21) in my opinion. I don't know why you got married, I did because I didn't know what else to do with my life , I knew this guy since I was 16, he loved me more than I loved him so it was 'safe', and my family loved him.
I wish so much that I had taken a risk and found someone I could TOTALLY give my heart to. He is a good friend we have three kids and there were many times in my marriage I have been content. I feel now like I have wasted both our lives, he really hasn't been with someone who feels the same way he does. We have never really bonded and had that deep connection and intimacy. He is trying to work on that now, but it seems like it might be too late. I am in an A with someone who says he has a good relationship with his W but no affection and their sex drives are opposite. So I know I will never really be with this man although I would probably jump at the chance since he gives me the intimacy and passion I am missing. He is many things that I find attractive in a man, and he would have been someone I know I could feel that deep love for. It is a sad situation for me, one that I really don't have the courage or strength to leave. SO until I get sick and tire of being sick and tired I will continue the way I am.
If I could go back to that first year and recognize like you have that something is terribly wrong if you are going to stray so early in your marriage, I would have left.
In the mean time PLEASE do not have any children!
deedee
I got into my A just 4 yrs. being married, and I always think about what would life be in like 10 20 30 yrs down the road too.. I think for me, I want out of my M. There's so much missing and I got married because I felt it was right at the time. I loved him and was in love with him. NOw I don't even find him attractive and I don't want to do anything with him even kiss him.. Also, I just got out of a bad relationship with an ex-bf and he was there to help. I think he was just a rebound. I know it's a horrible thing to say, and I feel like sh*t, but I just can't help the way I feel. We've been talking about D. maybe next year when we don't have to pay for preschool for dd.
I think if you wanted to be in your marriage for the long haul after you broke your vows, then you would work through it with counseling and forgive yourself. That's up to you if you wanted to tell H, but for yourself, you would have to just get past it, and learn from mistakes.
Well don't know if I was much help babbling, but wanted to tell you that I was in my A early and MM too..
take care.. Chrissluver
Right now money is the big factor. I have a decent job, but I would have to take on a 2nd job to keep my house, which I really want to do because I worked so hard to get it. And I'm only a 2nd job away from being able to afford the mortgage, and I'm in a career where it is very feasible that I will make enough to afford everything on my own in about a year.
And there's the momentum factor. I told my husband about a month ago that I wanted to leave him. His crying and pleading and begging brought me down. But that seed has been planted, and I know it will come back.
No, definitely no kids. It's pretty much impossible since my H was diagnosed with a very, very low sperm count after we were off BC for a year and nothing happened. I truly had my guardian angel over me that entire year since I now realizing I was focusing all this energy on wanting to start a family to avoid facing my real problems. And now, of course, I'm on BC again because of A (I was contemplating going back on regardless because no matter how low H's sperm was, the reality of my lack of love for H became apparent before my A).