A's early on in marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
A's early on in marriage
5
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 8:56am
I would imagine that an A early in marriage, less than 5 years into it, is different than an A later on in marriage. Is there anybody else out there who is involved in an A so early on?

I think having an A so early on speaks volumes about the poor quality of the marriage. I could see having an A after 15-20 years of marriage because of boredom, needing excitement, etc. but still feeling fully vested in the marriage. However, I am in an A so early in my marriage. I've only been in it 1.5 years. MM has been in his 3 years. No kids for either of us. Our A seems almost like we're "dating". The rules of course are a bit different, but the way MM has approached it makes me think that he's looking for that special someone while he's still married. Both he and I have been serial monogamists our whole lives. Both of us tended to stay in relationships for at least a few years. So I think for both of us, the idea of getting a divorce and being single in the big, bad world was a scary thought. So both of us ended up starting a R before ending the old ones.

I just can't imagine being in an A so early in a M and imagining what my M will be like in 10, 20, 30 years--I just absolutely cannot see myself staying with H now that I've broken the trust so early.

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anonymous user
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:13am


my

I would tell you to definitely look closely at your marriage. Why did you marry him? Really understand "why".

I had to reply to your post. I was married less than a year when I had an A. I have been married 20 years and this is my second. I was married too young (21) in my opinion. I don't know why you got married, I did because I didn't know what else to do with my life , I knew this guy since I was 16, he loved me more than I loved him so it was 'safe', and my family loved him.

I wish so much that I had taken a risk and found someone I could TOTALLY give my heart to. He is a good friend we have three kids and there were many times in my marriage I have been content. I feel now like I have wasted both our lives, he really hasn't been with someone who feels the same way he does. We have never really bonded and had that deep connection and intimacy. He is trying to work on that now, but it seems like it might be too late. I am in an A with someone who says he has a good relationship with his W but no affection and their sex drives are opposite. So I know I will never really be with this man although I would probably jump at the chance since he gives me the intimacy and passion I am missing. He is many things that I find attractive in a man, and he would have been someone I know I could feel that deep love for. It is a sad situation for me, one that I really don't have the courage or strength to leave. SO until I get sick and tire of being sick and tired I will continue the way I am.

If I could go back to that first year and recognize like you have that something is terribly wrong if you are going to stray so early in your marriage, I would have left.

In the mean time PLEASE do not have any children!

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:58am
I have been M for 4 years and in my A for 1.5 years. First off I do love my husband and came into this M with no reservations. My H is the one who has completley changed. He Is emotionally absent from this M. I have tired MANY times to make things better and still do try. My H is a good person but I just don't think he loves me. As for why I am in an A. MM and I are not intimate and do not see ecah other often (few times a year). We flirt and talk a lot but have concluded that sex is not somethign we can do (although we talk a lot about what it woudl be like). When we do see each other we do kiss. We dated before I met my H so we have a slight history. I wasn't lookign to start soemhting up. It just happened. In the beginnign I was in it b/c I was attention starved. Now I still am but i enjoy having my MM in my life. I don't know what will happne in the future. I know we will not ever be together. He by the way was only married 6 months when we started and I have no idea why he is in this. he said somehitng about unfinished business with us but after a year and a half I don't think that is it. He acts as if he M is great but then again so do I. I guess I can stay in my M b/c of my A. He fills the void I have with my H somewhat. H and I have a family and as I said I love him. I don't love my MM. I am attracted to him, enjoy the attention, look forwrad to seeign him, think about him a lot and for the most part keep it all in perspective (except for times like now when the neediness in me comes out).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:36am
I am in that boat. First, don't start a family...that will only complicate things. I also don't understand how some people can stay in both a M and A for years and years...with not wanting to change anything. But, other people have many other commitments, and often getting out of the M is much too much to do (kids, finances, etc). Sometimes the A just fills a void that you are missing. In my case, and sounds like in yours, the A was me waking up to true love. I never truely loved my H...we got married after being together for years. Just seemed like the right thing to do. The R was also emotionally and a little physically abusive, so that was another reason that I was so clouded in my judgement of getting married. We started dating young, and never really got to know the real 'us'. Now, I am getting out. I am still young enough to start over. Hard and scary as it might be, it is worth my happiness to do this. Really think about why you got married in the first place. Really think about what it is that keeps you coming back to the A. Which can you see yourself with 20 years from now with a smile on your face. Take that decision and go with it - 100% - and don't be scared :-) We are here for you. FMH6
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:54am
hey secret.. I too am involved in an A so early on. I was married 4 yrs when I entered my A. MM was only married 4 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!! He was coming onto me first, so I couldn't understand why he would want to "hit on me" when he just got married. His wife is really pretty. Our a is purely sexual I mean like porn sexual..LOL I think for him he might have lost that feeling of the chase and felt strapped down and wanted to play the field again.. He says his wife doesn't really do it for him in the bedroom.. Last night, I said "your wife is so lucky to have this every night if she wanted" and he said "she doesn't get it, I save it for you" I don't know how their relationship is though. Don't know how true that statmenet is. We don't talk about that. I don't wanna know.(ok, I do, but it would just make the A more emotional, and I don't want that). I always wonder to, what happens when they try to have kids and she gets pregant, are we gonna continue this A. I want to so much to ask, but don't want to sound to involved or anything..


I got into my A just 4 yrs. being married, and I always think about what would life be in like 10 20 30 yrs down the road too.. I think for me, I want out of my M. There's so much missing and I got married because I felt it was right at the time. I loved him and was in love with him. NOw I don't even find him attractive and I don't want to do anything with him even kiss him.. Also, I just got out of a bad relationship with an ex-bf and he was there to help. I think he was just a rebound. I know it's a horrible thing to say, and I feel like sh*t, but I just can't help the way I feel. We've been talking about D. maybe next year when we don't have to pay for preschool for dd.

I think if you wanted to be in your marriage for the long haul after you broke your vows, then you would work through it with counseling and forgive yourself. That's up to you if you wanted to tell H, but for yourself, you would have to just get past it, and learn from mistakes.

Well don't know if I was much help babbling, but wanted to tell you that I was in my A early and MM too..

take care.. Chrissluver


Gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:14pm
I know what I have to do. I know the reason I married my husband. He and I got involved too quickly, combined finances after only 6 months of dating, and I felt "trapped" with him when we got ourselves into debt. He was pretty decent--very good looking, polite (but has a very mean temper, but of course always apologizes), handy and practical (which I thought would be helpful to me). When I look back I realize that my reasons to stay with him were stretches, and there were more reasons to leave than to stay. But he has deep, deep love for me. That's the part that guilted me to stay. My H speaks so highly of me to all of his friends and coworkers. He loves me much more than I love him.

Right now money is the big factor. I have a decent job, but I would have to take on a 2nd job to keep my house, which I really want to do because I worked so hard to get it. And I'm only a 2nd job away from being able to afford the mortgage, and I'm in a career where it is very feasible that I will make enough to afford everything on my own in about a year.

And there's the momentum factor. I told my husband about a month ago that I wanted to leave him. His crying and pleading and begging brought me down. But that seed has been planted, and I know it will come back.

No, definitely no kids. It's pretty much impossible since my H was diagnosed with a very, very low sperm count after we were off BC for a year and nothing happened. I truly had my guardian angel over me that entire year since I now realizing I was focusing all this energy on wanting to start a family to avoid facing my real problems. And now, of course, I'm on BC again because of A (I was contemplating going back on regardless because no matter how low H's sperm was, the reality of my lack of love for H became apparent before my A).