EMA no longer fulfilling....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
EMA no longer fulfilling....
5
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 12:06am
Hello Everyone: Once again I am at that point and maybe I'm just sort of down tonight, but I just keep thinking 'where is this all going?' MM and I have been drifting apart for a while. Lately when we discuss our home situations, he is very complimentary of the W, talks about how much she loves him, etc. Yet, when he sees me, he is all over me and it's very sexual. I know that he loves me but hell if it was just sex that I wanted, I could get all that I want here at home and then some. In one sense it is very flattering that he desires me but in another, it feels like I'm being used.

He made a comment that I guess bugged me that I can't seem to get out of my head. He

basically complained that he couldn't recall the last time he and his W had sex. I don't want to hear that and I feel like after more than 5 years, if he can't decide what he wants in life, then he never will.

I wonder if any others here feel the same way. Would appreciate your thoughts, Virgogirl

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anonymous user
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 7:38am
Virgo

The impression I got from what you said is that after 5 years (a looooog time) maybe he is at a place in your relationship where he is very comfortable sharing the good as well as the bad. I mean after 5 years it seems you two have settled in to what this relationship is going to always be. I don't know the history of the 5 years, but with my mm and me it doesn't seem to me that it will last that long because of the small amount of contact we have compared to some on this board. I think that is on of the keys to it lasting like that.

Is it no longer fulfilling because you aren't getting out of it what you once did? Is it because you have been stuck at one level of the relationship w/o the benefit of moving on to the next level? From what I have experienced, EMA's have to only get to a certain plateau and no farther, where "free" relationships have that freedom to explore and move on if there is chemistry. I've already after just 7mos experienced this frustration, I can only imagine what it is like for you after 5 years.

I also would think you two could talk about it, after you have thought over some of these things.

I hope the best for you

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:28am
Hi Sweety,

Nice to hear from you.

I'm not sure what you are going through here, but may I say that I think you have been travelling to this point for some time now, based on our few private discussions.

I can see how you must be feeling used. Although your MM is recognizing that his W brings to him the emotional support he requires, it is obvious that they do not connect on a sexual level. We already know that most people enter into EMA's to fill voids in a current relationship. This seems to be his void.

Also, hon, given the recent loss of your FIL, and the amount of emotional support that must have been required on your part to your H, you may be drifting back to your primary relationship with him. The effects of the loss of his father, may have brought back memories to you of the man he used to be. I'm sure that he has had to lean on you over the past few months, and you on him as well. I know that you loved your FIL dearly, and if your MM did not provide you with the sympathy you may have expected, then I think you would feel "what's the point". As well, this devasting event is something that only you and your H could share together - dealing with your children as well in the loss of their grandfather. I believe that during an emotional loss, the people that are left behind, often become closer - another part of a life shared that strengthens a bond between two people. Another piece of history that you will eventually look back upon!

This may be the time in your life to build upon that. And even if your relationship with H does not become the one that you want and need, I believe that you have realized that you won't have it with MM either - at which point it may be time to leave both of them behind.

Give yourself some time, Virgo. You are still mourning, and I'm sure that you will have many of these down days.

Remember, I am always here whenever you want to talk.

Take care of yourself

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 2:23pm
Hi Red: As always, your insight into things never ceases to amaze me. You're right, I have been so emotional these last couple of weeks over the loss of my FIL. I have been around the in-laws an awful lot too since then, and my brother in law and his wife are flying back to their home in California tomorrow. I have always been close to many of my in-laws and even more so now. Although my H and I have become closer since all of this, there are still things amiss in the M and I've come to realize that those differences will never change.

My MM on the other hand has offered me his condolences and I know that he truly means it. But sometimes, I just don't think he gets it that I have a very full life as well. He only hears the names of the people in my life, but has never met any of them and so I think there is a tendency on his part to downplay that side of me, so to speak.

I also agree with Deedee that in an A it can only reach a certain level, as it is not a normal out in the open relationship, and perhaps right now I just need more emotional support from my MM than I am getting.

You may be right, in that I may end up leaving them both. One good thing is that I found a new job, and will be starting it on June 1st. I'm really looking forward to that, if nothing else but to keep my mind preoccupied.

Thanks so much for your sage advice and wisdom, sweetie. I wish we lived closer to one another and we could have a girls night out, haha. I hope everything continues to go well with you. Keep in touch, ok?

Love ya,

Virgogirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 3:10pm
I'm feeling just like you, maybe it is downtime. Difference is I have been with MM for only 2 months. I have had all these feelings for him since about 2 years ago and knew he was always attracted to me. For about 1 year he was having problems in his marriage but ever since our relationship began, even though his W does not know what is going on, I guess she realized somehow that she may lose him so she has been trying to patch things up. This changes everything and our short A has turned into a mere sexual thing. Exactly like you say, when we see each other, he is all over me but if that is all I wanted, I could get that at home as well. At first I thought I would give it my best shot and figuered that with patience, love and time, I could win his heart over but now I am just feeling used and think I am only filling the void he has in his marriage right now. He says I'm the greatest, the sweetest, the hottest, yet I feel like he is trying to avoid any emotional connection aside from the counted hours we spend a week. I am beginning to wonder if there is any hope at all or if this is meaningless for him. :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:16pm
Hi Julie: I know how you are feeling, believe me. In the early days of our A, my MM's wife became suspicious and offered to work on the M if he'd agree to counseling. Needless to say we broke it off. They went on a M retreat and then into counseling for a few months. Since worked together (sat next to each other, no less) I would hear him on the phone with her at least 10 times a day, being all lovey-dovey. It made me sick to my stomach and I thought 'how could he be so cruel?' I tried pulling my own M and life back together, but everyday was like salt being rubbed into the wound. I did my best however to remain his friend and be supportive. Well, one thing led to another and before long, we were back in each others arms.

It's been a wonderful, and painful journey with him. We do love each other deeply, but I've come to realize that he seems to need both of us to feel secure. I just don't know if I can handle it much longer.

If I were to give you any advice, I would say that since you have only been involved a short time and are already thinking of walking away, trust your gut instinct on this one. In hindsight, I wish sometimes that I would have done the same thing.

Virgogirl