Email Saga Continues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Email Saga Continues
7
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:18pm





Edited 4/22/2004 8:31 am ET ET by red_bella
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:23pm
Oh Red, I feel for you, I really do.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

You're being strong in a way that's good for you, though,

you need to protect yourself.

Please keep "griping." People are here for you.

Sky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:32pm
I am glad you come here as an outlet to vent...

but, you should really just try not to be so over-analytical of the emails you are receiving from him -

He sounds focused on the committment to his M and family no matter what order he lists them in or how he words his "current relationship" -

I think you are really trying to hold on to a glimmer of something that is no longer there - sorry to say that because it consumes you so deeply

You have pretty deep emotions from what I have read but no matter who contacted whom first or how it's worded I still think you need to face the facts that this man has moved on I think he is being very nice in how he words thing as to NOT hurt you - he could be mean and short with you and then that would really hurt you -

He sounds like he cares - but he just doesn't want to be involved with you in "that" sort of way -

Sorry Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:08am
Red,

When you sent him an email, what exactly were you hoping for and expecting him to say?

He obviously cares deeply for you but at the same time he understands that he cannot give you what he feels you deserve and he, himself, was not getting from your relationship what he felt he deserved as well. Some people are just not cut out for having affairs because at some point they start to want more than an affair can offer. Apparently he belongs to that category. He's decided that you shouldn't be together anymore. He's decided to move on and concentrate on his marriage. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision for him to make and there will be times when he is going to have regrets, and it's quite possible that he's already having them. But he is doing his best not to change his mind.

Yes, maybe his emails sound a bit curt and uncaring, but those are the only emails that he is allowing himself to send you. Anything more than that - and temptation would be too much for him to resist. He doesn't want this to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:21am
Good Post Boston. Looks like you are speaking from experience here. *wink*
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:12am
Hi Red, glad you are making it through this.

Are you sure you should be emailing him though? If you're really trying to work on your M and him on his, maybe its best to have NC? And I mean REAL NC, that means no emails. Of course you can say "hi how are you" if/when you see each other, but really, how are you going to get this guy out of your head and concentrate on H if you are still emailing and talking to him?

Its up to you of course, but it does sound like your hoping for him to change his mind and come back to you.

You just don't know whats going to happen in the future. He's made his decision for now, and you have made yours. I really think you should try and not contact him. Maybe sometime in the future, he will get in touch with you again. And at that time, you would have to decide what to do. But maybe you will be alot happier with H by then and MM will be a thing of the past, a nice memory. Take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:16am
Boston...you hit the nail on the head with your post.

I've pretty much been a lurker instead of a poster lately. But I miss my OM so much, but he's exactly what you described. I know he misses me, as I miss him. And I've made myself not email him although it's killing me. I know that his response would be hurtful. Not intentionally, but because he can't handle the affair part. He was always very honest in that he told me he wanted more in our relationship than just the occasional lunch or after work drink. He's on my mind constantly; more for his peace of mind than for mine, I am letting him go quietly. With as much dignity as I can muster on a daily basis.

Actually things with H have been better than ever. And I know now, that despite it all, I've always loved H, and still want to be with him. Although things are moving slowly, I'm happier with him more now than I have ever been, even when we were dating. I'm sure we're still in the "honeymoon" part of getting over the affair, but it feels wonderful.

However, deep down inside me, I ache for that relationship with OM. And I pray daily, that as it seems H and I will be making amends, that I want OM to be soo happy. Although if I ever saw him with another woman I'm sure the green-eyed monster would come out. I want him to be incredibly happy with a woman in his life to share experiences with. I just don't want to see it. As I'm sure he would prefer not to ever see me and H, and our recently very lovey antics.

I'm not saying here that I don't love H, or that I don't feel that way for him...I do...more now than ever before. But I still miss OM...does that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:17pm
It makes perfect sense to be sure. This man was, and still is, a part of your life, of your heart - how can it not be painful to let him go? But the pain will ease in time, just not so soon as you'd want it to. And a few years from now if you find out that he is happy with another woman it will not make you jealous - just genuinely happy for him.

Even though it's clear that you are a little (a lot?) sad you also sound content and at peace with yourself and your decision, and your determination and devotion to making your marriage work are shining right through your post.

That's great, hon.