Emotional Affairs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Emotional Affairs
2
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 12:36pm
I saw a post on here earlier from someone asking if emotional affairs are worse or better than sexual ones. I don't know the answer to that one either, but I feel like I may be getting involved in an emotional type affair. Either way, I know my husband would be furious and he probably wouldn't believe nothing physical happened. The guy I have been spending time with is my ex-boyfriend. Before my husband and I got married, we had broken up and I started seeing this other man, Richard. Richard had to go out of town to work and I ended up back with my now husband, Clyde. He did all he could to win me back. I was very confused, seeing Clyde behind Richard's back and lying to him, all the while being pressured by Clyde to make a decision. He even sneaked through my stuff and got Richard's phone number and called him. I lied to him and Richard believed me. I finally decided I would break up with Clyde, but then later Clyde really came through for me and I ended up sticking with Clyde. We got married a year ago and later down the line Richard started dating one of my friends. She was really just using him and it did not go well. One day Richard called me complaining that my friend owed him money. My husband came home while I was talking to him and was furious. He grabbed the phone and told him never to bother me or my friend again and some other expletives before he threw the phone against the wall.

I am not sure how this happened, but for some reason I thought of Richard one day and called him. My husband goes out of town sometimes on fishing trips, generally the weekend. I am always invited to go, but fishing is basically boring to me and he usually sleeps in his car, so I prefer to stay home. Twice now I have gone out with Richard on a Saturday night while my husband was out of town. I told him up front I had no intention of cheating on my husband and he agreed to that. We did kiss, but that was as physical as it got. Richard is probably the only man I would trust in a situation like that. I have walked around naked in front of him with no consequences. He is totally different from my husband. My husband has a major sex drive, whereas Richard is a little on the opposite side of that. However, we may be reaching a danger point because although he could never hold a candle to my husband sexually, he isn't dead, either! I think he was hoping for more on our last encounter, but I just couldn't do it.

My husband was so strong in trying to woo me from Richard, but now I feel like all the romance is gone. He wants us to be a boring, old married couple. Well, I don't. On our anniversary, I told him not to buy me anything. We stayed at the same motel and went to eat at the same restaurant. We had agreed to write each other a love letter, since the first anniversary is paper. I wrote mine. He didn't. "You know I love you" was the lame excuse. If he didn't intend to do it, he shouldn't have agreed. I really love my husband. We have been together almost 4 years and a good deal of it has been a roller coaster ride. I can't really blame him for wanting boring. We have had a lot of drama. In bed, though he is my perfect 10. Richard, on the other hand was a little lacking in that area. Richard, though is so easy-going. We never fight and he is never critical. My husband and I have had some real knock-down drag-outs.

I just can't figure out what is going on with me. I know I love my husband and I chose him over Richard before, so why am I thinking about Richard all the time? My husband will be going fishing again this weekend and I am already thinking about calling Richard. I really do not know what I am thinking. Maybe I am just immature. I have been married 3 times and I am older than my husband and Richard. Sometimes, I think I should not even try to be in a serious relationship. O.K., that is just ranting. I don't even know what I am asking here. I guess I wonder if I am headed for disaster if I try to maintain some kind of friendship with Richard. If my husband ever found out, I know he would leave. Well, any comments are welcome. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:46pm
Welcome to our board! I think you have definately been experiencing the rollercoaster ride of an EMA (Extramarital Affair). I would encourage you to refrain from using personal information such as names etc. in future posts for your own security.

You are most definately in an Emotional EMA and walking a fine line of it becoming a physical EMA. Step back and think really hard about what you are getting involved in because its almost impossible to put on the brakes and ease off once the ride starts rolling forward.

Glad you have decided to join us!

cl-liberalgirl

Callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:00am
Thanks, Lib. You are probably right. Treading on dangerous ground. The names were fictional. I just did that to identify one man from the other. I guess I should use OM or something. I did get an invitation from a male friend (actual friend, not boyfriend) of mine to take me and my lone single girlfriend out this weekend.(NOT the friend mentioned in my earlier post) If they hit it off, and something develops, great. If not, then the three of us can just hang out. My female friend is sort of hesitant, but like I told her if she doesn't go for the guy, I am her excuse to get away. My husband knows this buddy and wouldn't have a problem with it. At any rate, it would keep me away from the OM. My guy friend knows what I have been up to, but I would never dream of telling my girlfriend. Men are sometimes a little more understanding about such matters. His advice is to just be careful and don't get caught. When I was dating both men, he was constantly on me to make a decision and stick to it, so I was a little surprised at his reaction.

My husband accuses me of trying to run away from things and he is probably right. That is probably what is causing my obssession towards the OM. It is easier to just hang out with someone than to live with them on a daily basis. I know if I continue like this, something may well happen that I will regret later. My husband and I are having some other problems right now that have nothing to do with sex or other people. And I am reacting in typical fashion- running away. Intellectually, I realize the grass is no greener on the other side, but emotionally I am struggling. My OM is pretty lonely right now and such a sweet guy, he doesn't mind me just hanging out with him. It all seems harmless enough, but I know deep down this is a loaded gun. My husband and I had another of our stupid arguments last night and I admitted I had been talking to my ex on the phone, but omitted the part about actually being with him. The reaction was not as awful as I thought it would be. No, he was not pleased, but he didn't pack up his stuff and leave, either. That is one of my biggest fears and I think that is why I try to leave them before they can leave me. I was not always like that, but since my father passed away a few years ago, I have a fear of being alone. He was like a rock in our family. No problem too big or too small for my daddy to solve. My husband knows this about me. He left me in September and I actually considered moving in with a man I barely knew. He and I met under unusual circumstances and I have no idea why he wanted me to move in with him since he knew I loved my husband and only him. I didn't really want to and I was afraid I would lose my kids so it never came about. I had decided I would just go it alone, but then my husband wanted to come home.

In writing this, I can see I have some "issues", for lack of a better word. I also know I do not want to lose my husband and he is trying, too. Before we got married, I know he would have left if I had told him I was talking to an ex-boyfriend. Well, this weekend will be my "test". Hopefully, I will manage to avoid the OM.

Thanks again for your support. I saw I had two replies, but I was only able to read one of them. So whoever else posted, I apologize for not responding. I was unable to retrieve the message. Thanks, Stormz.