The End...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
The End...
6
Sat, 10-18-2003 - 4:42pm
Well, its really been so long since I've posted that I'm sure that very few, if any, will remember me. That's ok. Today, I just needed to get on here and express a my feelings to those who truly understand.

Short story, MM and I (single) have worked in the same office for about 3.5 years. We started seeing each other a year and 2 months ago, off and on. We've had two prior break-ups that were both his choice driven by fear of being caught. He's never expressed any intention to leave his marriage and in fact has voiced that it wasn't fair to me either. We started back up for the third time in July or so and its been going well as it's been once every 3 weeks or so but we talk almost everyday during the week via email.

Monday, he stated to me that someone pulled him aside and said that a rumor existed that we were spending time together. As careful as we've always been, I guess someone caught a meaingful look and paired it with rare instances of special attention (that, on it's own would seem fine). Naturally, he got scared... we finally talked about it yesterday.

It's over again and possibly for good. This time had a lot of similarities of the prior times but was very emotional but not dramatic. I actually shed 2 tears. He was very sweet and patient. I told him that although I wished it didn't have to be this way I would really try to help him be strong this time. He really really really needs to try this time like never before. He did confess, as he had before, that he would not stop "watching" me or thinking about me as he agreed that these feelings are not just going to go away. He asked me how I want him to remember me and named off a bunch adjectives as examples, that I now realize were the things he thinks I am. I cam up with my own.... I said "comfortable". He agreed and cited various things that you would not do unless you were comfortable. He told me he wants me to remember him "as a warm happy spot in your life, with no regret and no what-if's". He kept touching my face and playing with my hair and looking in my eyes. There were no "I love yous" but there didn't need to be. All in all, he seemed much less down than me though.

We chatted a lot about my life and what I want out of it, how much dating stinks. He told me that he would feel so much better knowing that I was with someone so that even if he did want to start up with me again, my heart would be elsewhere and I'd not let it happen. We talked about his wife, whom he does love and mentioned that she's a lot like me but of course, much of it is the kids. She has been trying more lately and he's been unresponsive and he needs to give it a try.

He is going to turn off his secret email account so that there is no temptation to say something outside of proper and we are just going have to let time heal the wounds. As he left, I'm not sure if he meant to do this or what, but he said goodbye to the dog and said "see you again" to her, I said "really?" in a confused kinda way he kissed me and said "maybe" and smiled. I'm sure I'm reading too far into it but he's the type that would just laugh and say "you know what I mean". We ended it kissing very very passionately. If he didn't have to go it may have not stopped there. I'm glad it did.

Anyway, right now, I'm greiving of course, trying to figure out how it is fair that I make it to 30, married, divorced, well dated and never having been with someone so perfect for me until now...and he'll never be mine. So unfair. I guess it's better than blaming myself...it's better to have loved and lost after all. My mother and my best friend, both strongly assure me that its not over and I'm not even sure that I want that notion in the back of my mind. It is going to be very hard to see him everyday and go on without the hope that someday I may touch him again. Who knows.

Other than just wanting to share my story I do have one thing that to say that most of you will understand. I have been on the rollercoaster and, at times, it drove me crazy. For the most part I feel it is really over now and I just want to say that I wouldn't change anything in the past, I have no regrets and I'm so happy that I found my soulmate. It just saddens me that I was not born in the right place or time to share the rest of my life with him.

Hugs and kisses and the best of luck to you all on your tough but rewarding jouneys through your lives with your loves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: sweet_grapes
Sat, 10-18-2003 - 4:53pm
It's good to hear you are really positive about the break up. Wish you all the best in your next relationship:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: sweet_grapes
Sat, 10-18-2003 - 5:09pm
Well, I'm trying to be. Even though I'm a crying mess right now I know I'm going in the right direction.

Thanks for your support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: sweet_grapes
Sat, 10-18-2003 - 7:39pm
wow grapes your story sounds VERY familiar... I've worked with MM for almost 3 years and have only been involved with him for 6 months - I'm single as well and hurt that at 27 I finally found this amazing man that I will never truly get to be with! He's never said he will leave his marriage and actually says with conviction that he won't! He loves his wife and has 2 amazing but young children. Although I've tried to end it numerous times because I can't deal with the pain - we have never really had a time apart! Our relationship is much more sporatic though because email communication does not exist and we really on see each other at the office. I know one of these days I'm going to be in your shoes - actually I fear it is right around the corner as I wrestle with ending it as I type this - I feel like I'm tearing myself up with what I can't have and hurting for what I want so desperately! And I can see how positive you are but I just don't think my existence will appear as upbeat! :(

anyway - I wish you NOTHING but the best and I'm amazed that your mother and best friend are so supportive - I wish I had SOMEONE that understood half as well as your two supporters seem to! :/

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: sweet_grapes
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 12:24am
AH! your story sounds like my life, but my MM told me for TWO months that he WAS going to leave!!!!!! And now he has changed his mind. By 29 years old, i'll have been married, divorced, have a kid, and had my heart broken by a MM. What guy will ever want to come near me?????? Baggage city. i can't leave MM and i can't have MM. So for now, it goes on in that "gray area".

YOU are an inspiration, best of luck, keep us posted!!

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: sweet_grapes
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 8:38am

Hi sweetgrapes... while I wasn't quite familiar with your story... your name did ring a bell... at least I'm sure it does :)


I have to say... that you are one mighty strong woman... and by the sounds of things, I think that you will get through this... as hard as it may be... and still have a smile on your face.


You will grieve... and you will go through the process... there will probably be anger there too... but you will get through each step and start a new beginning.


I do believe it's better to have loved than not loved at all... I also think that the say don't cry because it's over, cry because it happened... very much applies to... and the one that fits so well... you never stop loving someone... you just learn how to live without them.


While they are all just words... it's we who make something of them... and chose what road we want to travel in life.


I wish you all the best in love and life hon... and

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: sweet_grapes
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 6:10pm
Thank you all so much for your kind words...they mean so much.

Tomorrow is really going to be day one of the hardest part and I'm starting to get very very nervous. I guess I'm going start small and not check the secret email during the work days.... And I'm going to be absolutely stunning next week! (evil, I know!)

Wish me luck. Please don't get mad if I sound things off of you gals instead of switching to the "ending" board. I'm not sure if that's where I should be yet...

:) Have a great evening!