The "end-point" question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
The "end-point" question.
15
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:39pm
I am believe it or not, a 46 year old "happily married man" of 21 years who has been in a wonderful 5 week relationship with a beautiful 32 year old woman who is in a not so good marriage. Today we met and talked. She is troubled by the fact that she can see no good end-point in our relationship. Most likely, if there is and end-point, it will be discovery, and that will be the end of the affair, and her marriage. I have made it clear that I have no intention of leaving my wife, and she does not want me to. The old "take one day at a time" adage sounds good, but in reality, it doesn't provide the security or comfort that she wants. How would you respond to the end-point question? I'm stumped. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:24pm
Wow, your A sounds alot like mine, including a very similar age difference, only difference in my case is that both marriages are happy.

I asked the end-point question at about the 5 week mark too. I think I felt the same way as her. My guy said something evasive like, "I don't see why this EVER has to end." that was not very comforting, because it seemed unrealistic. Then, a few months later, when I mused again about "how" it would end, he said "I guess we'll just fade away". that did not make me happy either, LOL, because by that point i was very much in love with him, and couldn't imagine it "fading away".

Then finally, a few weeks ago (we've been together 8 months), I came to the realization that this man has become the kind of friend that I can't imagine not being friends with. Both he and I are good at long-term relationships. We have long, solid marriages, and we have friendships we've maintained since childhood. There is not a lot of conflict or resentment in our A, and i don't see it ending acrimoniously...i think he's probably right...presuming it's not discovered (heaven forbid) I guess one of us will just lose interest in the sexual/romantic side of the thing. Maybe we'll still be friends, maybe not. but the way I see it is, if we WANT to be friends — if there is still a benefit to the connection and it brings us joy — then it will continue. If there isn't, we won't want it anyway...there is no point worrying about it now. time will answer the question. Maybe in your case SHE'LL be the one who wants out. Who knows? Why not just make a pact to end it respectfully and kindly when the time comes, and to treasure your memories?

Sorry this got so long, it's been something I've thought about alot.

Good luck!!

barefoot

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:09pm
Barefootgirl you crack me up! Whats up with these men?? They keep changing their tune all the time and saying this that matter only at the moment. Its just to please you it doesn't any value other than that. Goingnuts, i hope you don't insult your "beautiful" MW too often like my OM does all the time. He has no shame at all, will never confess to anything.... LOL Anyway, good luck with your end point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:10am
Barefoot, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your words of wisdom. I especially like, "Why not just make a pact to end it respectfully and kindly when the time comes, and to treasure your memories?" You got me thinking. Maybe our human drive for an end-point in a relationship is not always the right approach. She met her end-point twice, and it resulted in one failed marriage and one unhappy marriage. I would like to point this out to her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I do know that we are very happy when we are together. Whether I can get her to actually adopt the "one-day-at-a-time" approach to this roller coaster of a relationship remains to be seen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:30am
I guess after reading your post, if you are a "Happily Married Man"

why or are you in a relationship with this 32yr old women?

I guess I am confused...most of us are in relationships that

are troubled to an extent....if all of were happy..there would

be no reason to have these posting sessions.

Myself and my MM and both in somewhat troubled M, we are

trying to sort out if we really love our spouses, or if

this is just some wild passionate felleings we have for

each other.

We are still trying to find the answers. With patience and

alot of communication we will make it. We have been

seeing each other for 8months...just kissing....no IC or

overnites. We do not want, at least for now this to end.

We never bring up tomorrow, who knows about tomorrow anyway?




Please keep posting you feelings..nice to hear that

you can express them.

Bunny

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 10:06am
I have to say something about the definition of a happy marriage here. I think there isn't anyone who would have an A who is without a doubt happy. My marriage to me is a comfortable marriage. Am I happy? I am not UNhappy. There is something wrong with a marriage if someone has an affair. It may not be alcoholism, abuse, or constant arguing. It may not be that esoteric. I think people react to things differently and some have affairs some go buy a new sports car. My dad grew a mustache! I am of course not referring to those who have true and obvious problems, I mean people like me who married young before they even knew what they wanted in life. I married a good friend with whom I get along with for the most part. I can't look at my marriage and say it is really bad. If it were I would have been gone a long time ago. I looked for what was never really there, intimacy and passion. I sometimes wonder if those are things that you can conjure up if they have never been there ( in this case more than 20 years). I didn't want to die without experiencing a man that I could feel that way with. All the time I didn't even realize this was my problem, not until I became invovled with this amazing OM.

just my two cents

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:52am
I do honestly agree with the passion and lust side you

mentioned were missing. My H is a good man, treats me

really, to be honest with you like a queen (which makes me

feel guilty now).

My MM also is a gentle man, but I have thus lust, and passion

thing going with him, I cannot leave at this point. I never wanted

to have sex 24/7 with anyone I have ever met. I have met alot

of men (20 years) in my profession, and never said anything out of line or

flirted with anyone before. I met him one day in my office

and that was that.....does that really happen?


It is strange, but I cannot get rid of this lust I have for him.

Maybe time will change that, but right now it is still there.

Thanks Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 3:27pm
This is an interesting thread, actually more than one. I am a "not-unhappily" married man of 21 years and 46 years old as well. I have flirted with an associate, not the same company but related, for about 6 years. She is 40 and got divorced about 6 months ago. We recently had a one night EMA at a conference. We only see each other about five times each year, but have occaission to talk two to three times a month. So anyway, the next day we had a chance to talk about what happened the night before, and I asked the end-point question. How will it end if we continue with the EMA every 2 or 3 months? Why would we even do this? I am not unhappy in my M, my wife is a great person and friend of 25 years, and I have no intention of leaving my family. But I have fantasized about this OW for 6 years, and as it turns out she has done the same with me, the fantasy come reality was awesome for both of us. She said that she would take it for what its worth, and that eventually one of us will fade away. Our next encounter will be in 4 weeks, and I am trying to decide to continue or end it with the one night as a great memory. She told me that I was the "gold standard".. lol (huge ego boost)...so she will continue as long as I am willing, but will understand if I don't. So I have rambled on here, but the end-point question, "not-unhappy" comments, feeling of guilt for doing it, but huge desire to continue, makes me so uncertain, even in my post (as you all can see). So with all that said, I will accept any comments or advice. Sometimes I say you only live once, enjoy this time and opportunity. Other times I say, I have made a committment to M and shouldn't be doing this (catholic guilt). Any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 3:59pm
Don't continue. Let it remain a one-night thing, no matter how great. Nothing wrong with having fantasies but we don't necessarily have to act on them. Affairs happen for lots of reasons but they certainly shouldn't happen simply out of curiosity, boredom or because "we only live once."
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 2:44pm
There are many more logical reasons to stop your affair now, but unfortunately, logic doesn't seem to carry as much weight as the emotional high that being with someone new does. Only you can decide what is best for you. If you put all the reasons to not continue the affair on one side of a sheet of paper, and all the reasons why you should continue the affair on the other side, the not side will be much longer....And then you'll probably go ahead and continue the affair anyhow because it feels so good. It's maddening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 4:24pm
Well, that is exactly where I am. I know I shouldn't continue, BUT...emotions are very strong. It really is a bit more than just a fantasy though, I must say. We see each other about 5 times a year like I said, but since we are usually away from home for several days a bunch of us go out dancing and talking. We have become friends, and are very compatable. Its just that the last time, well, we went beyond. We have always joked about it and flirted for years. So as it turns out we both wanted it to happen. OK so the emotional red flags are going off, unless I was in a horrible relationship with my wife I would expect them to. But its not horrible, just that i feel like i need something more. Some people are more sexual and erotic than others, I am and so is the OW. I have had offers by women at conferences over the years and have even told my wife, but i never acted on them, the women just weren't right at the time. I am particular. Although I once told my wife that if a gorgeous woman ever took her clothes off in front of me I am not sure what I would do. She didn't seem shocked. I do believe that we can find more than one person to really like and enjoy being with. Me and OW like each others company and have been physically attracted to one another for a long time, and click on a several levels. In some ways I think it was just a matter of time, the right person at the right time. But I do feel guilty. I am truly an honest person and feel integrity is important. I know it is wrong. But only 4 to 5 times a year seems less wrong. I still ove my W and don't want to leave my family, nor does OW want me to. Like someone else said, why does something so wrong feel so right. Emotions! Thanks for listrening.

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