Ending and it is so hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Ending and it is so hard
12
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 10:53am

Hi All,


I've been posting on EAS lately but i felt like coming back here for a bit..


I ended my A of 2 years. I went NC last month and now i am in LC because xAP is back to work. This has turned out to be very very difficult. He is saying things like i have shattered his whole life by doing this, that he is willing to get a D for us to be together..i really don't know what to do. While i don't want to resume the A, i really don't like hurting him. I care deeply for him. Any suggestions...help...


This is really, really sad..


Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 11:50am

Hi Sunshine,


Sorry I haven't kept u with your story but are you married as well? I think you made a wise decision in going NC with him. It takes so much strength, strength that I don't have at the present moment. I know its hard but please remain strong and continue. I know you feel bad because he feels your hurting him but this is about YOU not him. Do what makes you happy! In the beginning it will be

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 12:07pm

Have you realized yet that this is a pattern with him?
You break it off, he pouts about how much he's hurting and you get sucked back in.


You know what you need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 1:09pm

I know that what i am doing is right. I want to be faithful to my H. We don't have the perfect M but we've only been married for 2 years. And that entire time i was in an A. That disgusts me.


Why is it the xAP tries so hard to hang on to me? I don't understand. If he would be divorcing, i told him that has to be for him, not for anyone else. But i didn't want to give him any hope that if he got divorced then we would be together! And i didn't. I told him i want to work on my marriage. He said that i shattered his heart. That hurts me. I don't want to do that to him. I do care about him. It is so difficult. And we work together so i see him and work with him every day. That makes things so difficult.


Why can't he just let go..

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 2:43pm

He keeps hanging on to you because he's addicted to what you both had but he has alot of things he has to work on and he needs to heal himself as well. I wish he would respect your wishes and be more understanding that you want to work out your marriage and if he loves you the way he says he does then he will allow you to do that. Every time he contacts you he's fishing for a way to get back in. He's pulling the guilt trip over you but he's a grown @ss man and has to move on.


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 4:30pm

Sweetie, you can't wait for him to "let go". Your job is to take care of YOU and your life. He's pulling all the stops as far as telling you how awful this is for him. PLEASE don't let it suck you back in if you were ready to let it go!! He has to come to terms with everything in his own time, and it may take awhile. Accept this and steel yourself for it.

I know LC is SO hard. It would be easier to never see or hear from him again. But unless you can get another job you'll have to deal with it. I have a couple of suggestions.

He won't be able to tell you anything "private" (like how horrible this all is for him) unless you're alone with him somehow. Do everything possible to make sure you're never alone!

Do NOT give him any sorrowful looks, or any looks at all if you can help it.

Keep conversations as businesslike as possible, while staying friendly. If you have to pretend, do it. Pretend he is some other person in your office - think - how would I say this to Mr. Jones over there... picture your tone of voice, etc., and then say it to him JUST LIKE THAT.

No matter how devastated he looks, please know that this is better for him too. If his M is that bad and this has caused him to want to leave, then he should leave and find someone who makes him HAPPY. Keep in mind that this is good for HIM too.

No doubt it will be VERY hard, but keep it up! You've been working so hard to get free. Don't fall back now.

As far as posting here - you know you can, any time. :-)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 4:57pm

Thank you Lexi and everyone else.


Yes, i have worked VERY hard to get to where i am right now. I have spent countless sleepless nights, crying, anxiety, etc. My

Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:03am

Well this LC thing is extremely difficult and painful. And not because I am not ready for it, but because xAP is being really awful in all of this.


As i said earlier, he did not take it well that i am ending the A. He has been begging and pleading. SAying all kinds of things that are just tearing me up.. That he wants to marry me, that this feels as bad as his mom's death (...yeah, i know..), that he can't do it, etc. etc. And he just wouldn't stop contacting me..so i was forced to be more blunt with him.. i said DONT CONTACT ME. in a really rude way.. i mean for weeks he wouldn't take it any other way, he woudln't accept it..so i had no choice..i feel awful for having to be so harsh with him. I care for him..i really do. But i simply could not go on with the A. it is suffocating me and my M. Even if my M isn't great, then at least i could eventually decide to end it on my own, not while i'm in an A. The A totally clouds the judgement. And not to mention the complications at work that it created.. (xAP is my close coworker).


Help :(

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:17am

I still don't understand when he is telling you those things. Is it in an e-mail (that you should be deleting before reading - for your own sanity) or is it in person when he gets you alone at work (which shouldn't be happening - can't you avoid being alone with him)? If you really HAVE to be alone with him, maybe telling him that what he's doing, constantly bringing up the A when you have ended it, is sexual harassment (it is, you know) and will cause him to stop talking that way to you and keep it professional. I know you probably would have no intention of pursuing a sexual harassment charge, but sometimes just being AWARE of what you're doing is reason enough to stop. You honestly shouldn't have to put up with this at work!

Is there any possibility you could find another job?

It sounds awful. I feel badly for both of you, but especially for you having to endure this at work. You HAVE TO realize what is acceptable "at work" conversation and get him to stop harassing you this way!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:31am

He contacts me mainly via text or email. At work he keeps it professional although he pouts when we are alone. I don't mind being alone with him at work, because it is for short periods of time. I wish he will finally drop it and move on. To him, the very fact that i have ended it and that i am saying such things is so unbelievably painful (that's what he says). As i finally was blunt and told him to stop contacting me alltogether, he hasn't made contact since (that was Friday night). Today at work he is super pouty. But that's ok. I can handle that. Getting another job is out of the question for me - i love my job and recently secured a good promotion here.


Just want him to be civil and move on. But another part of me feels really bad for causing someone such hardship and especially someone who trust me. Someone whom i told "i love you" many times and God is my witness i meant it all those times. So now i look like a "user" - used him and discarded him. It's not like that though..it's really not..the A just HAD to end eventually. Right?

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:38am
Yes it did, and you're doing the right thing! The one who doesn't want a relationship to end always has a harder time with it and might feel used or "misused" - even if the R is not an A. Why don't you tell him that for your sanity you will be blocking e-mails and texts - if he continues sending these types of messages. It sounds like he may have stopped, but if he starts again, just send a message saying you will be blocking them - and then DO IT. It might seem cruel but it might be the only way he will accept it. Let's hope he continues to honor your request to stop contacting you - then you won't have to block him.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

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