For ending contemplaters
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| Tue, 09-07-2010 - 12:29pm |
I see so many of you here. I've never seen this many at MAS at one time, in all the time I've been here. I'm trying to figure out how best to help you with this, because this isn't really an "ending" board, but it seems most of you who are contemplating ending are not ready to move on to EAS, where you have to have decided to END it and be ready to have NC, block and walk.
I think you are helping each other a lot. And I have ended A's so I can put myself back into that place. My first A was a full blown love affair, intense, feeling like "soulmates" sort of thing - and it was SO hard to end. I did it because my AP was single and needed "more". This song was my solace after I ended it - I would play it over and over. Some would say I was "wallowing" and idealizing the A, but it comforted me at the time. Maybe it will comfort you some:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVjEcIANv1o&feature=related
Edited 9/7/2010 12:31 pm ET by cl-lexione


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Hi Lexi
I agree with everything that has been said here. Its hard to be a 'contemplator' and find the right place to talk. Im so very grateful for you and Janie, and AE and Kimber and Bird and everyone else for keeping up with my story and tolerating my rampant posts! Sh@t- gonna cry again! Crap- thats only like the 5th time this afternoon!!!
But I do think EAS is tough- necessarily tough. But it makes it hard to find a safe place to be a contemplator. I dont want to tinge anyone's happiness over here, but I havent wanted to air myself too much over there.
For me- MAS has been fantastic! I am going to try to join EAS and try NC. Im so f@cking sad at how quickly he seemed to accept my goodbye today. I know he hurts and I know he was crying and is sad- but gosh I thought he might try harder too. We are in an impossible place- he has no time for this anymore-
I think the song is great; beautiful. I also like "I will always love you" b/c it says..I have to let you go and that is what usually happens in an "A".
The reason we are all sad over this is that we know the odds are against us. Most a's end within 6 months b/c of a lack of intimacy (funny..that is the number one reason a woman begins an A is b/c of a lack of intimacy). My AP wants to leave, wants a new life but I know in my heart that I will never be able to do it. I don't see us lasting, I see him getting frustrated and moving on.
I think songs are such a great way to vent through. Makes me feel better
Ahhh....Bird :) ((HUGS))
Hello Iggy ((hugs))
Sorry this worked out this way but I think an end to the limbo is a good thing in itself. You were brave putting it out there and I hope my next bit is taken by you in the warm and caring spirit intended ... :-)
This is for Jane too ...again in the spirit of offering support.
If you are truly ending this and WANT to move forward to freedom now you have agreed its over, then for now I really think it would be in YOUR best interests to take a break from reading and posting on MAS, even in support of anyone else. Actually ...ESPECIALLY in support of anyone else in an A. YOU come first now and the mindset you need to get yourself in to be able to maintain the ending is a TOTALLY different one to any of us here. Even fellow contemplaters. Your decision is made and now its time to end this chapter and move on to the next. Lurking/participating here is going to keep you dragging your heels, looking back, focusing on A behaviours and thinking patterns when you need to be marching forward mentally in the totally opposite direction. I really feel for you Iggy. I don't think this was how deep down you wanted it to pan out but it did. It is now how it is.
You have brought so much to this board in the time you've been here and your chocs are yummy and your sofa one of the comfiest to sit on.... but ... my lovely Aussie friend ... you need to GO !! LOL (I soooo wanted to say an affectionate P!$$ OFF! ...ooops I did! LOL) Come back and say Hi when the pain isn't so RAW and your frame of mind is where you need it to be mentally and emotionally to maintain your ending decision.
You will be missed here, welcomed back with open hearts and arms if NC goes pear shaped (not something you should be considering btw!) BUT in the meantime you owe yourself the chance for the clean break and to really give this NC a go. NC means not engaging in A related thoughts, actions and behaviours as well as not contacting AP. I know how hard leaving somewhere safe is, but EAS will wrap itself around you and be that too if you let it :-)
Take the tough love there, absorb the message and let it change the way you see the A. Let it do its job and open yourself up to the support there.
I will be lurking and following you over there, as I'm sure others will, so POST often!! I may even join you in due course!!
Take good chocolate coated care Iggy xxxxxx
Bird
~Sigh~ Yeah, Bird is right sweetie, much as I hate to admit it. EAS will be trying to help you to a whole different way of thinking, and coming here and reading our thoughts/actions could only set you back. Some EASers have posted here over the years but it was usually those long past the beginnings of their EAS journey and they could handle it. They also have to keep in mind that they are posting on MAS and not EAS and that can be hard to do, but some have succeeded.
I will miss you terribly, and your very thought provoking posts, but EAS will be all the better for them!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Bird and Lexi- thank you so much!
I am truly devestated- I didnt think he would let go that easily and I am beating myself up about it- maybe I shouldnt have said anything, maybe I should have accepted it better, let go of my (maybe unreasonable?) expectations. I dont know
MAS is a great place and I will come back and say hi WHEN I get over this.
Love to you all- and please love yourselves! You deserve much much much happiness!!
Iggyxxx
Lexi, and everyone...
What a great thread. I've only posted a few times, but I come here often to read and reflect. This board has been my sanity for the last 6+ months. I've ventured over to EAS and the tone is not the same, I feel safer and more alike everyone here.
I've tried to end my A, a couple of times. I don't think I can though. He brings me so much joy, so much happiness. He is my best friend, the love of my life, my everything. He says he feels like he's failing us b/c he can't make a decision, but I've accepted the fact that I don't need a decision right now. I need to figure me out and be happy with what I have with him.
The personal journey is difficult and I fear the end result will be unfair to my H, but I wouldn't have gone down this path on this A if there wasn't something missing that needed to be brought to my attention. My actions and feelings are already unfair to my H, so the decision I need to make in the crazy game is my decision, not our decision (ours being me and my AP, or me an my H). Realizing that I actually do have control when I feel so out of control is good, but doesn't make it any easier.
For all of you that are head over heels in love with your AP, I am with you. For all of
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
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