Engaged and confused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Engaged and confused?
5
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 4:45am
Hi Everyone:

I'm in a quite a predicament and I'm hoping to get some advice before I make any irrational decisions.

My story is not going to make any sense unless I give you a little background info...so here goes. I met my fiancee' 7 years ago. When we met, he was involved in a serious and unusual situation with his girlfriend. She was in a near-fatal car accident, which left her with a severe brain injury. She is considered a vegetable. Although I met him about a year after the accident happened, I learned quickly that his feelings for the OW were very strong. I know he truly loved her.. (sometimes I wonder, 7 years later, if he still does.) He visited her daily (in a home for brain-injured women), he treated her family as if they were his own and he has always talked about her with such great respect and admiration. It was clear to me in the beginning, he was not emotionally ready to be in a relationship but I was patient and sympathetic. I also saw something deep in him that I could not resist. I loved him! As it turned out, his situation ruined our relationship. We broke up after 4 years and it was a very sad break-up. Actually, I was very angry because the man that I loved - seemed to love someone else. (In a different sort of way.) I told him that I could not live with his baggage and he needed to get help. (It really was an obsessive problem for him.) I never thought we would get back together because the situation was just too painful for me.

After some healing time, I started dating again and met a wonderful man. He was a breath of fresh air! He was also emotionally available (Single). It felt so nice to smile and laugh again! I dated him for about 6 months and our relationship was just getting off the ground, when "Rrring, Rrrrring", the first guy contacts me again. He said "He had made positive changes in his life" (He had been through a year of therapy) "He loved me more than anything" and "He wanted me back." I took him back,(though with a tinge of sadness, because I had to call it off with the guy I was dating.) Well, he did make some healthy changes in regards to his past. He now talks to the OW's family just a few times a year to see how she is doing and he's much more open and honest with me about the situation.

Here's where the affair comes in: The man that I started dating in between the break-up, is still in my life. We e-mail each other frequently and see each other about once a month. In hindsight, I wish I had taken some more time to get to know him before jumping back in with my ex...but that's not what I did. The OM and I really enjoy each other's company, we have so much in common and we respect each other immensely. My relationship with the OM (since I've been back with man #1) has been mostly an emotional one. It seems we both have such a strong desire to get to know each other better and when we leave each other after a date, I always wish we could have more time together. My fiancee knows about him as "the guy I used to date"....but he doesn't know that I still spend time with him.

Finally, I told the OM that I was engaged and could not see him anymore. His response was that "He is sad....but he wants me to be happy." I think he was a bit surprised at the news. (I'm a little surprised myself...everything just progressed and I said "Yes" when my BF proposed??)

I know my story is turning into a novel, so I'll try to wrap it up. The bottom line is: I'm engaged, we just bought a house together, I'm supposed to be planning a wedding, and I'm not excited about any of it. I'm seriously thinking about calling off my engagement. Of course, I know my fiancee' would be devastated. Every day he makes such an effort to prove his love to me. He thanks me for being strong enough and loving enough to help him move beyond his unhealthy past.(Which still affects me....and there are always reminders.) I love my fiancee' but I feel that I have changed since our break-up. I know my choice is not between choosing between two different men. It's a choice between getting married or being single again. Right now, I feel so empty and I don't want to be near anyone. :(

Maybe things will get better with my fiancee now that I have told the OM? I don't know. Hypothetically, if any of you were involved with another man while you were engaged, do you think you would call off the wedding?

Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest!!!!!

Windwalker



Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 8:14am
I wish you didn't have to be here, but here you are. You will find a lot of support on this board and your story may even bring out some of the "old timers" who still lurk here, I am proof of that. You have a big decision to make in your life right now, it's best you do it now before you get married (that's if you decide to go ahead with the wedding). I am struggling with some of the same issues myself right now. My OM and I both D due to our A, we lived together for some time and are now seperated. I guess it's because I did the same thing you are doing with your BF, accepting the love he can give even though it doesn't seem to be enough for you. Trust me when I tell you there will come a day when it won't be enough for you anymore, you will feel cheated of so many things. I know you say he loves you and that he is trying really hard, but honey, sometimes love ain't enough. All I can tell you is to truly think the marriage thing through, reach deep inside yourslef and try to find what it is you really want. If you are seeing someone else on the side before the wedding, you (more than likely) will not stop after the wedding, unless your OM refuses to see you. Then you will be heartbroken and feel like you made the wrong choice in getting married. Personally, I would postpone the wedding at the very least. Good luck to you and keep us posted....

Hugs to you....

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 12:09pm
Hello C,

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I hate to be here...I'm so angry that I got myself into this mess.

I haven't seen the OM since I told him about my engagement and I don't plan to. Actually, I don't even think I'll see him if I break up with my fiancee. Affairs are destructive for everyone involved....Let's just say I did break up with my fiancee and start going out with the OM - then, there would be no trust in the new relationship. Trust is essential in a healthy relationship and I have stripped it from my every corner of my life. I'm just struggling with making a decision because I know it will affect the rest of my life! My fiancee and I are supposed to move into our new home in two weeks and I'm just so confused.....

W

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 9:32pm
You need to give yourself some time. Put things on hold, postpone the wedding. If you marry for the wrong reason(s) you'll find youself back here sooner or later. BTDT and 28 years after my wedding I was in an A, and believe me, I never thought that would happen.

Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 7:41am
I gotta agree with everyone else. At the very least, postpone the wedding. Affairs are often symptoms of other problems. Usually deeper problems. Perhaps get into counseling yourself or undertake couples counseling with fiancee. Give it another 6 months, at least, beyond what date you've got set and do some real work on yourself and the relationship with your fiance.

Good luck!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 9:05am
windwalker,

I haven't read the other responses but feel compelled to reply.

I can't tell you what to do. Only you can know what you truly want. What I will tell you is to listen to your gut.

I've been married for 10 months and have seperated from my H and asked him for a divorce. Like your situation, I loved him and things just seemed to progress. But also like you, I had serious doubts before the wedding. I chose to ignore the red flags and kept falling back on the "but I love him" excuse.

Now here I am getting a divorce after less than a year of marriage and on an emotional rollercoaster that I can't even begin to discribe.

Take sometime and be completely honest with yourself. Don't fall back into the "but I love him" answer. Love is great but it takes more than just love to make a marriage work.

I wish you luck in making your decision.

Hugs,

Celt