Ever any hope for the OW???
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Ever any hope for the OW???
| Fri, 10-10-2003 - 2:43pm |
Hi all...newbie ranting herein...my apologies.
I guess I've needed to post here for a long time but I've been in denial. I've been telling myself "I'm not involved in an affair...I'm really not". Okay, pride aside, idiocy aside...I am.
I'm involved with an older man that I work with and like most affairs I've read about it started out as sexual and then we fell in love with each other. He's been in a marriage that he calls "a mistake" for 30 years but is also a self admitted coward which is why he hasn't left. He's taken steps towards leaving (i.e. getting a P.O. box, opening a bank account, etc.)...but he still hasn't taken the step.
And I'm starting to come unglued. I'm becoming a person I don't know anymore...I've gone from being a strong and independent woman to an emotional basket case. My health is suffering...and I'm just SO furstrated that he won't take that last step! The odd thing of it is I was on the reverse side about three years ago...I was the one who got burned by my SO having an affair. So I feel like I should be empathetic to him but I can't.
Today we had a two hour phone conversation the majority of which I cried during. I told him it wasn't just the sex, it was him...that he made me happy, that I felt like I'd found the person that perfectly complimented me and that I felt stuck. Utterly stuck. And I *HATE* feeling trapped. All this depression and pain has been building up and building up and I finally came apart...and he fell in love with the strong me...and I don't like being weak!!! As far as I'm concerned if you're weak you're wearing a sign that says "kick me in the teeth please"...I've developed that from my past.
I told him I couldn't walk away from him and he said he couldn't walk away from me that it would be the most painful thing he's ever done. But at the same time he says he can't leave his wife because he's afraid (he's got issues from his past that cause that) and she just found out she has fibroids.
And I realized how heartless I felt...I've had fibroids, endo, and cervical cancer all in one go. But he says he needs to be with her through this which I understand...but at the same time this horrible little voice inside me that I really hate is saying "Oh BFD...I've had worse, I've lived. Suck it up and act like a woman."
At the end I asked him "Would you be happier if I just remained something on the side" and he said "Forever? No." Okay. I asked if he thought there was hope for he and I having a normal relationship and he said he did.
I just don't know how to hang on in the meantime. I called my psychiatrist and asked her if I could up my Paxil dosage and she said sure and told me what a safe dose would be. So do I be strong for him and just go back to my "Everything's fine, don't worry" mode so that he doesn't have to worry about me in addition to him? Right now I've gone into shutdown mode which I haven't done since I was raped six years ago...but I couldn't cope so I just shut off all the emotions and I think I can fake it for awhile.
Does it EVER work out for the "other woman"? Do we ever get to be with the men we love? Do we ever get to be happy? And do they ever really leave?
Please give me some feedback here...I'm thinking he doesn't know about my iVillage account so this is a safe outlet and it's the only one I have.
-Bay
I guess I've needed to post here for a long time but I've been in denial. I've been telling myself "I'm not involved in an affair...I'm really not". Okay, pride aside, idiocy aside...I am.
I'm involved with an older man that I work with and like most affairs I've read about it started out as sexual and then we fell in love with each other. He's been in a marriage that he calls "a mistake" for 30 years but is also a self admitted coward which is why he hasn't left. He's taken steps towards leaving (i.e. getting a P.O. box, opening a bank account, etc.)...but he still hasn't taken the step.
And I'm starting to come unglued. I'm becoming a person I don't know anymore...I've gone from being a strong and independent woman to an emotional basket case. My health is suffering...and I'm just SO furstrated that he won't take that last step! The odd thing of it is I was on the reverse side about three years ago...I was the one who got burned by my SO having an affair. So I feel like I should be empathetic to him but I can't.
Today we had a two hour phone conversation the majority of which I cried during. I told him it wasn't just the sex, it was him...that he made me happy, that I felt like I'd found the person that perfectly complimented me and that I felt stuck. Utterly stuck. And I *HATE* feeling trapped. All this depression and pain has been building up and building up and I finally came apart...and he fell in love with the strong me...and I don't like being weak!!! As far as I'm concerned if you're weak you're wearing a sign that says "kick me in the teeth please"...I've developed that from my past.
I told him I couldn't walk away from him and he said he couldn't walk away from me that it would be the most painful thing he's ever done. But at the same time he says he can't leave his wife because he's afraid (he's got issues from his past that cause that) and she just found out she has fibroids.
And I realized how heartless I felt...I've had fibroids, endo, and cervical cancer all in one go. But he says he needs to be with her through this which I understand...but at the same time this horrible little voice inside me that I really hate is saying "Oh BFD...I've had worse, I've lived. Suck it up and act like a woman."
At the end I asked him "Would you be happier if I just remained something on the side" and he said "Forever? No." Okay. I asked if he thought there was hope for he and I having a normal relationship and he said he did.
I just don't know how to hang on in the meantime. I called my psychiatrist and asked her if I could up my Paxil dosage and she said sure and told me what a safe dose would be. So do I be strong for him and just go back to my "Everything's fine, don't worry" mode so that he doesn't have to worry about me in addition to him? Right now I've gone into shutdown mode which I haven't done since I was raped six years ago...but I couldn't cope so I just shut off all the emotions and I think I can fake it for awhile.
Does it EVER work out for the "other woman"? Do we ever get to be with the men we love? Do we ever get to be happy? And do they ever really leave?
Please give me some feedback here...I'm thinking he doesn't know about my iVillage account so this is a safe outlet and it's the only one I have.
-Bay

i'm sorry you're in pain -- it's not something we look for do we? do you want to "wait" for MM to take that final step? are you prepared to wait a long time? if he's been in his comfort zone (i.e. marriage) for 30 years, he's probably not leaving his W too soon. the "steps" your MM has taken sound like ones to cover his tracks for your A.
you ARE in control of your own life, even if it doesn't feel like it at this moment.
bb -- you are single and can do anything you want to. if this R is causing you so much pain, heartache, confusion and upset, is that what you really want from this R and your MM?? i'm glad you called your pysc. about your meds, but maybe you should be talking to her/him about how you're feeling now, instead of upping your meds. you need to think about how you're currently living your life and how you want to live it in the near future.
we've been discussing this very subject on another thread here on the board today. why be in a R that's painful?! especially one that doesn't involve a legal commitment, like M? i'm sorry to be blunt, but you ARE in control. YOU are choosing to let him hurt you honey. you're a grown woman whose been on the other side of this equation, as have i. did you break up with your SO over his A? did he end up with the OW? i didn't leave my H, we stayed married for 12 more years. and when i found out about the A and confronted H, he "picked" me, not the OW.
you sound so incredibly unhappy. why is that?
jmo,
gurl
I just got though telling him I want a ring on my finger. Only because he made me upset. He's the one married, but yet, puts restrictions on me. So I bought it up again about leaving. He said he loves me and wants me, but wouldn't leave cause of his kids.So I told him then I want him to buy me a ring, slip it on my finger and promise and swear he'll never leave me.
That may just happen, but that wouldn't change the fact that he won't be leaving anytime soon because sadly they never do.....
The woman was 20 when she met him and is now 40 and is still waiting around. How many years are you willing to give up for one man?
I found the call to Dr. Phil really sad, she was probably a gorgeous 20 year old woman that could have had some fabulous relationships with men that only wanted to be with her, but chose to wait around and listen to empty promises made by this man, who 20 years later, no children of her own (which she claims she wants) and 40 years old and he's still making the same excuses. When do you start putting yourself first and stop taking the miniscule scraps this man can offer?
To the OP...you sound incredibly unhappy. I don't think this relationship is going to make you any happier. I would end it and cease all contact with this man.
I knew what I was getting into. I don't plan to wait till his kids are grown. I go on with my life.
I fight with myself about my decisions. I think and rethink about this A. all the time, but I do know for now it's what I want. It's what I need.
My current BF and I have been living together for six months after dating for another six free of the A. When I first met him, he was married with a young daughter. His marriage with his ex was because of an unplanned pregnancy and being pressured into it by friends and family. I met him at a time when he knew his marriage would not work out, but he was reluctant to leave because of his DD.
At first he and I had a "no touch" rule between us. Now looking back, I believe this has strngthened us. We were able to build a strong friendship first with out rushing into anything. As the months went by, however, the no touch rule faded away and lead into fooling around and some heavy petting, but there was never any sex.
He would tell me that he did want to leave his then wife, but he didnt want to leave his DD. I understood, but only to a point. I basicly forced him to give me a timeline of when he would leave her. I knew that if he didn't leave by the time he told me, he'd never leave.
The two of us would spend countless hours talking about everything with his relationship with this then wife. Many times I told him that it was "okay" to leave me and try to make things work with her. In many ways I think our R then was almost like therapy for him. I was an outlet he could vent to about what was happening, and although I was already falling in love with him, I knew I would never let myself be the reason he left his then wife. At one point we even stopped talking for a month while he "went back" only to come back in contact saying that he knew it wouldn't work. I told him that going back to her and waiting for her to do something wrong so he could leave would never work, and it'd be better for him and his DD if he left now rather than prolong the lies to his then wife.
He finally left and then he and I started to see each other exclusivly. His ex doesn't like me much, she knew of the A, and it has cause several problems between my BF and I. She still wants him back, and does everything in her power to try and cause problems.
Do I worry about him cheating on me? Nope. I am not her. His problems with her were based on the fact that they were together solely because of the baby. If there had not been a baby they would have both broken the R off long before I came into the picture. She was insecure because she knew they have problems, and that caused her to be clingy, possesive, controlling, etc.
I let my man have his room. I don't "check up" on him. But I also don't put on blinders. I know that if he hadn't of left his then wife by the time he told me I wouldn't have waited around forever, but I am glad that I didn't avoid him just because he was legally still married.
So I guess my point is that there is hope for OW. But you need to keep a level head. Having a relationship with a MM who has no intentions of leaving will never be good for you if you want more than that.