everyone please read, need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
everyone please read, need advice
2
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 5:00pm
Hey everybody i havent posted in a while so i thought i would let everyone know what has been going on with me and my mm lately. Ok well let me start by saying that the last time i talked to mm was on the phone wed, and we were talking about his job, what he did over the weekend, etc. Well somehow we got disconnected and when i called him back mm never answered, finally after trying to get an answer i called back one more time before i had to leave to run some errands and his friend picked up the phone by the way he doesnt know about me or me and mm's relationship, i just hung up the phone because i was sorta pissed. I thought he would at least email me or leave a im or something but a week went by and i didnt hear anything from him. He lives in another town about 40 miles away and i had to go there to find a gift for a friend, so me and another friend who knows about me and mm's relationship b/c we all worked together at the same company went with me. I decided that i would just call him when i got there and if it was ok to just drop by and say hey to mm, well as we were riding on his road he was outside with his son playing in the yard, i was totally freaking out b/c ya know we are having an ema and that u just dont show up at his house it's not the rules of the relationship, so i started to turn off onto another road and my friend said " u wont to see him, so here's your chance", well i just pulled up on the side of the road and called him over there and he looked shocked but really happy to see me, i explained i was taking care of some things and thought since i was already here to just to say hey. Well i talked to his son who's 2 about the cute little things that come out of children's mouths, and me and mm just talked about general stuff and he was telling me that he almost died this weekend from alcohol poisoning from drinking to much with his friends and that he didnt even go to the hospital, i was so mad at mm but i kept all my feelings inside so he couldnt see it, i love this man with all my heart and i know if something bad happened to him that i wouldnt hear about it until someone called me. I am so worried about him, he is now telling me that he is doing drugs too, i dont know why he is harming his body like that, i think maybe something is going on in his m to make him go out there and do this crap and im really scared for him. He just acts like he doesnt care about hisself b/c of the actions he is taking, i think he may be trying to escape his problems at home so he doesnt have to face them. So like i said i am in love with this man and i want to be there for him but now im having sec thoughts about us b/c i dont like the things he is doing. Well my friend said that she glimpsed at his hand and my mm didnt have his wedding band on, she also said that he doesnt even have the ring around his finger which means he hasnt been wearing it for awhile and that's not like him to not wear it. So we talked some more and i told him i had to go and he said "ok" he asked me to call him when i got back into my hometown so we could talked and so i did but he already had left to go to his meeting at work. he made the comment that if i didnt get him today to just call back tommorrow around the same time but i didnt. I feel that lately i am doing all the work with our relationship and he is just not caring about anything anymore. So i am not going to call him or do anything until he steps up to the plate and makes some effort. As i was about to go i told him to come and shake my hand b/c i was leaving, the reason why wanted us to shake hands and not kiss is b/c his son was in the yard and i dont wont him seeing daddy kiss another woman when it's not his mom and also my friend was in the car too so i just thought it was a sweet and innocent thing to do, so our hands met and im crazy for saying this but i felt this feeling with him just touching his hand, i even got that sick feeling that u get when u first kiss someone. My friend told me that she can tell that he is in love with me so why cant i see it? i have just realized that maybe he doesnt care about me and he never will, im tired of crying all the time and waiting to hear from him. I just dont know if i can keep doing this with mm? thanks for listening, any advice from others would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 5:10pm
Hi Peach,

I don't know anything about your situation with MM, but something that you said struck me- his alcohol and drug use. From my experience with my MM, it sounds like he may be dealing with alot of guilt for being in an A? my MM is constantly taking painkillers, anti-depressants, anxiety meds, etc. His nerves are shot, and he hasn't slept all night in almost a year (about how long our A has been going on)

Do you think this might be the reason? How does your MM feel about his W? Does he want to stay married, if only for his child?

My MM only wants to stay married for his 2 kids, nothing else. He told me that he had confessed to his best friend that if it weren;t for his kids, he would be with me right now. (I am married with one small child myself)

But anyway, he ended up getting busted about a month ago and is currently being forced to go to marriage counseling. We cooled things off for a while and of course couldn't stand it anymore, so we pretty much picked up where things left off. Although, we haven't been intimate since the day he was caught.

Well, give me some more info and let me know whether or not my thoughts about you're MM's substance abuse are completely off track!!


hugs,

Complicated

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 11:25pm
Thank you it's complicated for responding to my post, ok i didnt know he was smoking weed until the first time we hung out together, and at that time i didnt like the fact that he did it b/c i have never did it before and also i was brought up in a drug free home except for cigs, so it was a turnoff to me but for some reason i just let it go and moved on with our ema. As in how he feels about his wife, well he has told me that he isnt happy with her, he hates living in the same house with his wife, he also said they dont have sex (which i really dont believe him, but hey he could be telling the truth), also he got her pregnant and that's why he married her, he loves his son with all his heart and tells me that's the reason he is staying b/c her family has money and they can hire a good lawyer and take his rights away from his child. My mm was a coke addict but he went to rehab a long time before i even knew he existed and got help, he promised me that he would never do it again and now i find out that he is still doing coke not as much as he use to but enough to make him forget his problems. I do believe that maybe he is having guilt b/c of his A, but he was the one who started the flirting and taking the intiative to start this ema. MM has told me this is the first time he has ever cheated on his wife and i believe his word b/c this is my first ema too. He has made the comment that "it isnt right with what we are doing' but he has never said let's just break up. I am very worried about my mm, he's a great guy to hang out with and i love him but his drug issue is starting to affect our relationship. Everytime we are together, he is either already high or fixing to smoke out. Since our ema started i could write a dictionary on every drug and the term used for it b/c he has told me all this info. I think that it is his way of escaping his problems and run from reality for awhile. MM takes valium, zanaxx, any antidepressant pills, smokes green, anything that is drug related, mm is doing. I ask him "how was his weekend" and his response is "i got messed up". I tried telling mm that there is more to life than drugs but he refuses to listen, so what do i do now, just stand by and wait till i get a phone call saying he is dead. He doesnt understand that he is living a dangerous life and also it is affecting his son, but men are stubborn and hardheaded. I havent heard from him since last wed, and here it is sun and no email or instant message. I dont know if he is just playing mind games but i have gotten to the point that im starting to feel like he has too much baggage to stay in this ema. well here's my email address it's complicated so u can keep in touch, it sounds like we are sorta in the same situation georgiapeach23_2002@yahoo.com. hope to hear from ya