Everyone read ,this could affect you

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Everyone read ,this could affect you
4
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 11:57pm
Hey guys and dolls, well i havent posted in awhile and i just wanted to let everyone know what has been going on with me. I really dont know where to start b/c my world is crashing down on me. Ok here it is, My best friend knew about my ema ever since it started which in Jan it will be a year of seeing MM. She has always kept the secrets i have told her to herself and so i thought it would be ok to tell her about MM not knowing it would be thrown in my face later on. So to make the story short, my best friend told this guy she is seeing that i was cheating on my husband and the guy she told was my husbands best friend also. The guy went and told my husband at his job b/c they work together that i was still seeing MM, even though my H already knew to begin with but after i was caught the first time, i told him that i wouldnt keep seeing him which i lied b/c even though i dont wont my marriage, i have a child i have to think about and how much this could affect my son, so here my H is finding out for the sec time that i am still seeing MM. He came home and asked me about it and i denied everything, he didnt believe me which i totally understand he wont ever trust me again after this so i left and went to stay with my parents for the nite to give us both a cooling point. So the one person i thought i could tell b/c she was my best friend, stabbed me in the back and it's pretty bad b/c me and my H set her up with this guy she is seeing now, she told him and he told H, that's not the terrible part though my best friend is also part of my family b/c she is my h's cousin, so she has told his family that i am cheating on H and the h's best friend told people they work with so it's interfering with h's job. I need some help seriously, i cant eat or sleep. I cant believe she did this to me and all i ever did was be a friend with her, i never talked about her maritial problems and she goes and screws everything up for me, now i know everyone is thinking why did i tell her to begin with well honestly b/c i trusted her, she was like a sister to me and she has hurt me so much that i dont know if i can get over this hatred and anger i feel. I am not the type to go and physically hurt someone but i have so much anger built up that i am having to stay away from her b/c i know i could do something i would regret. I was always there for her the times she needed me, i would sit and listen to her issues and let her cry on my shoulder and she trys to ruin my life, i just dont know what motive she had about this, i mean i could sorta understand if she cared about my H b/c their family but she dont. She didnt even have the nerve to tell him, her so-called boyfriend had to do it for her, but she never felt guilty when she wanted me to go to clubs with her knowing i would be talking to other men. I just really dont know what to do, my best friend just crapped on me and now my H isnt friends with the guy and i am not friends with her. Things wouldve been ok if she wouldve just kept her mouth shut, so now i am probably going to have to let MM go b/c he is going to think this is too much drama to deal with and run away just b/c i told the only person closed to me about my ema and she spreaded it around like butter. My mm told me the other day that he finally told his best friend and now i am praying that his best friend doesnt turn his back on him and tell his wife. This has went from a EMA to living in a nightmare. I just wont to tell everyone who reads this to be careful who u confide in about your EMA. I know that we all want to believe that we can trust best friends, etc. but the truth is we cant trust anyone but ourselves. B/c this has happened i wont be able to trust anyone anymore, i wont be able to let myself forgive so easily and it's going to make me a more hard core person that i never wanted to be so please take my advice b/c i dont wont anyone feeling the pain i am dealing with. I have lost a best friend/family member, almost lost my marriage and now im losing the man i fell in love with which is my MM. I just want to run and hide away from the world forever but i know i have to go on but please just remember what i said in this post and please pray for me b/c i dont know where to go or what to do. thanks for your support and any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, sorry for the long post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 11:48am
georgia --

first of all, you need to calm down. you're right when you said you can never fully trust anyone, but how were you supposed to know your GF would spill your secret?! now that she has, it's her word against yours. seriously, i would continue to deny everything to your H because there is no "proof" just words. stick with not seeing or saying anything to your "former" GF, tell your H nothing is going on, that she's just crazy or jealous or mad at you for something, whatever it takes to convince H there is no R with your MM. cool it with your MM for a few weeks, take a breather just to let everything calm down. then you can decide where you want to go with your M and your EMA.

talk to us here on the board, not to any other person except your MM. this is NOT the end of anything, just time for you to step up and cope with a bad situation. nothing has to end. just give it a little time and your world will calm down, i swear it will.

i had the same situation in the beginning of this year -- BF found out about MM. i wrote a few pages about my feelings and some meetings with MM and BF must have suspected something, because he searched through a bunch of my old papers and he found something. i NEVER thought he would do that, but he did, and stupid me, i forgot about those few pages of writings and did not destroy them. anyway, BF and i went round and round, arguing about "my affair" and i denied it totally. DENY, DENY, DENY! and eventually BF believed me (because he wanted to, i guess) and i spent lots of time and attention with him convincing him that we were fine and there was no one else in the picture. i cooled it with MM for a few weeks and once my homelife smoothed out, resumed the A with MM. after about a month, life returned to normal for us.

it will be the same with you as along as you don't go crazy on the GF or admit anything to your H.

be careful and take care of yourself,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 12:09pm
I guess for me that is why I joined this group. I would never trust anyone with this A information. Too much to lose if it got out. Besides if one of my GF knew, that would be putting her in a place to lie too. I would never ask that of my frineds. I do at times wish I could share feeling so I searched out this group, although, I'm new, I'm feeling at home, and pretty safe experssing my feelings. And the information on here is priceless.


Dayz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 1:25pm
It has been so long since I've posted, but I came to see who was here and read your message. I just hope that you can get things worked out to a "normal" level and that things calm down around you. All I can say is take things one day at a time. It is sad that your "friend" felt the need to confide in her boyfriend and that he in turn needed to tell your H. I suppose they all felt it was the "right" thing to do - little did they know what a mess they made of everyone's life - I will keep you in my thoughts as you work through the hard times which are ahead for you. I hope that no one feels the need to run and tell your MM's W about it too. One family in turmoil is enough at this stage of the game. Take care of yourself!

jpcstpaul

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 3:28am
So sorry for your dilema, not going to be easy this down curve for you on the rollercoaster ride.

The one thing I have learned over the years, is that what you tell one side of the couple, always goes directly to the other side. WITH ME, this is not the case, something DH had a very hard time to understand. Confidence is of the upmost importance in my life. You never say something you do not want repeated, because it will be.

AND I blew it, because in a down curve, instead of calming my mind, I have blurted my A to two friends, that I am sure told their DH a friend of my DH. NOW, I am wondering how I can deny it, so that they think it is over, so that it never comes back to him; guess the potential damage is done. I regret that I did not come here to cry, and wish I could take it all back.. AND I will have learned, because this fear of him finding out, is like a slow poison.

BUT AGAIN, big hugs to you in this rough moment!!! I will keep you in my thoughts, as I am sure we all will.. BE STRONG!!!

M.