Ex-boyfriend still around...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Ex-boyfriend still around...
9
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:12pm
Well hello everyone. I'm the new girl. What do you think? I've been married for a few years and well, it's never been very good. We lived together for 3yrs. before we were married and he cheated on me then. We worked through that but I can't seem to forget it. I believe I loved him when we got married but I've always had a thing for this ex and now he's back in my life. My hb and I have had many problems and they never get resolved not for MY lack of trying. I'm tired of trying to fix the problems. I finally realize he has the problem. I almost left him last year because he physically abused me because I shut his T.V. off(I wasn't nice about it). He didn't beat me but he forced me to the ground and broke my glasses all in front of our 1yr.old. But you know we worked through that too. I can't take it. What if that happened again. I always contemplate leaving, even before my ex started talking to me again. I guess these are excuses so that I can justify getting back with an ex. This man ,my ex didn't want to commit 10 years ago to anyone and he's still not married. I left him for that reason 10 years ago. I still love him and probably always will. Help!!! Any thoughts? Anyone? Thank-you
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:15pm
No advice because I'm in the same place. Read my post "Same ol story" And let me know if you figure anything out! Maybe you can help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:31pm
medea, why are you still with your H? you say you don't love him, he's hit you (no matter how you describe it!) in front of your child, he's cheated on you, so what's keeping you there?!

abuse only gets worse as time goes on. and it escalates and he can kill you!! and your baby will only suffer too. even if your H doesn't actually touch the baby in anger, he/she will hear and see how your H treats you, with no love, respect or consideration. is that how you want you child to grow up??

seriously, whether or not your ex comes back into your life, you need to clean up your life and get on track girl. YOU need to make a move here, to get away from that M and your H. go to a shelter, or to a friend, or your parents. somewhere you and the child are safe. get a job, and get a life honey, without all that drama. if you start complicating your life further with your ex, there will only be more chaos, anger and heartache.

do you think your ex will want to be involved in all that?

i don't mean to be harsh here, just trying to shed some light on your current situation. please seriously think about getting out of there before something really bad happens. stay in touch and let us know that you're okay.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:41pm
deleted


Edited 3/10/2004 4:48 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:56pm
and i totally agree with chic here, as you well know.

go and don't look back please!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:00pm
and chic, i'm a childhood abuse survivor also. that's why i was so adament with medea about getting out. i left my house at 16, stayed in school and lived with my sister, because i couldn't take it anymore and my mother didn't do anything to stop my father. he went down the line from my oldest sister, to my next sister, to me. and don't blame yourself for going back. you were very young and if your stepfather and mother weren't helping you, what were you going to do, live in the street! glad you're a grown, smart and whole lady now.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:02pm
I think alost of people stay in unhappy realtionships for many reason...

1) Dont have anywhere else to go

2) Biggest one of all ....MONEY, is the root of all problems..

3) They are so use to being in that situation, they dont know any different.

4) Scared to make that final move...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:07pm
yes, i agree super. most people, male and female, stay in the comfort zone of marriage because, god forbid, if they were to make a move, work would be involved in starting any kind of new relationship.

from my experience, i know you only leave a situation when you reach your own individual breaking point. no one can talk you into it. it has to come from inside you, doesn't it.

unhappy or not, it's up to the individual to change their own life.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 2:16pm
I've been with my M for nearly ten years. Did I also mention my part in all this. I wasn't exactly loyal to him either, early in our relationship, before we were married. He doesn't know. Did I also mention he went to see a counsellor(we attend a church group now) after that T.V. incident which happened only once in ten years. I actually hit the T.V. to shut it off because I myself didn't control my anger. He has never touched our child. I do understand what you are saying. My bestfriend and her mother were physically and mentally abused for years by her step-father. His parents know what happened. I called them when it happened. They came over right away. They have been a great help to me and my son. My parents are useless. I do plan to leave. I can't right now. My decision effects everyone around me. My H normally does take me out, gets me what I need and want. However, our communication is horrible and I know the only way he will change himself is on his own. Thanks for all advice, appreciate it. P.S. I have a job,it just doesn't make enough money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 2:49pm
okay medea, i understand what you're saying about "your part" in the tv incident, but still know that your H's anger and strength (he is a man, after all) will just keep getting harder to control, especially if he finds out about the OM or you ask for a divorce. just please be careful and watchful.

can you get a better job? then you can start putting a bit of money away ($25 a paycheck), just in case. if your M gets better and you decide to stay, you can pay for a vacation or night at a bed & breakfast, whatever.

communication is key to any relationship, especially a marriage where there are unspoken issues not resolved.

good luck and stay safe,

gurl