Extreme Guilt over past Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Extreme Guilt over past Affair
8
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 3:07pm
I am married to a truly wonderful man. We are hoping to start a family now as well. Fours years ago though, things weren't that great. I met another man through a work converence and started a 3 month affair with him. At the time, this affair made me very happy and I thought I might want to leave my marriage. The affair ended after 3 months (not by my choice), and at the time, I was quite upset. Now (4 years later), I love my husband desparately and want to spend the rest of my life with him and only him. I am now plagued with guilt over this past affair. It has gotten to me so much, I feel as though I have entered into a state of depression. I am experiencing severe boughts of anxiety and stress. I went to a therapist just the other day who really did not make me feel any better (she talked about "consequences" and "divorce"). I can't seem to forgive myself for what I did. I feel as though I would like to confess to my husband, but have been told not to by a friend and this therapist. I don't want to live a lie or continue to deceive my husband in any way. I love him and wonder if he might deserve to know the truth about what I did. Whenever I look at him, I hurt for him for what I did. Please help! Can I forgive myself? Can I continue our live together even though I have conducted this act against our marriage. Should I confess to my husband? Does he deserve to know?

Sincerely!

LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 3:34pm
I'm sorry for your pain and guilt. But I agree with your therapist and friend that telling your H would not be the way to go if you don't want to hurt him. You should not be feeling guilty for something that happened so long ago. It sounds like that was a one time deal and you have truly learned that that is not something you would ever do again. You have learned your lesson and now it is time to move on with the wonderful life with your H. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 12:04am
Hi LL,

I have to agree... do not tell your H... while you maybe unleashing the burden from yourself... you are placing a great deal on him. You will need to find a way to be able to deal with this guilt yourself... and the best way is to forgive yourself.

How to do this... again is a problem. I'm a little unsure about therapists and all... and I think that they do differ to counsellors. I have been to individual counselling and I found it fantastic... the counsellor will talk through lots of issues with you... from child hood through and I learnt a lot about myself. Most are usually non judgmental... but will just be there to help you understand yourself.

You also maybe depressed... so maybe you do need to treat this before you can move forward... don't be afraid of it.

I wish you all the best... and hope that you can get through this and be happy.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 8:51am
Hi there. We had another member of the board ask this question last week and here was my reply:

My grandmother who is a very wise woman sat me down and had a talk with me shortly after I had gotten married. She gave me a list of things to remember about love, friendship, and committment. At the end of the conversation she said and I'll never forget this, "If you ever in your life choose to have an affair, promise me one thing, that you will never tell your spouse." I was dumbfounded, I would think you should confess and her when I asked her why she said "People confess to get rid the guilt that is weighing on their conscience, it's only so they will feel better about themselves, and in the end they end up hurting and sometimes even destroying their spouses, children and family, and for what, so that they can feel better that they are no longer carrying this secret?" And it's soo true. Even though this is only an emotional EMA right now, I know that I have made my bed, and if he catches me and leaves me I know it's my fault. But if I never get caught, I know that I will take this to my grave with me. And that, in my opinion, is how it should be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 12:21pm
Thank you so much for your wise words. My head does understand that telling H and hurting him is not the right thing to do. My heart however, wants to beg for his forgiveness and promise him I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him. I am overwhelmed with guilt and remorse right now, I am probably not thinking clearly. It's the first thing I think of when I look at him ... "I deceived you!". I wish there was something I could do for H that might make up a little for what I did - that doesn't actually involve confessing. Can anyone suggest how I might be able to say "I'm sorry" without actually saying it. How can I make it up to him? Can I?

LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 12:59pm
Hi there,

I'm the other member going through the same thing and I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with it too. If you scroll through the past posts you'll see mine - "Should I confess to H?" These other members have been very helpful and supportive and I really appreciate it :)

As for me I haven't told H and as time goes on I start to think I probably won't. I like what Sweet said about forgiving yourself and I agree with it wholeheartedly. Once you (or we!) have forgiven yourself, you can put it behind you as a part of your past and move on with your present and your future. I'm not in the position to give advice on this though, I just thought I would let you know that you're not alone.

I don't think there is anything you could "do" for H but I know what you mean - all last week I was acting like a little puppy dog, staying by his side and doing whatever I could to make him happy. But that's probably not the best way to handle it....

I would love to say e-mail me if you'd like but I was having problems with my account and have had to close it, so I am also sorry if anyone has tried to e-mail me and couldn't but my e-mail has not been working properly. I will have to sign up for another one soon.

Take care and be strong :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 2:09pm
Just spend the rest of your life showing him how much you love him and care about him. Put all of your energy into your marriage and forgive yourself. That's what you need to do. And that in an of itself will be the best "I'm sorry" gift any you could ever give anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 2:53pm
Thanks so much for your support and encouragement!

Jeanie, I wanted to pass you this link to the Dr.Phil website. I am a big admirer of Dr. Phil and respect his wisdom. He discusses the subject on his site - it my help us to try to forgive ourselves!

(just copy and paste link into your URL)

http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=rel_infidelity_1075_getpastaffair.xml&section=Relationships%2FSex&subsection=Infidelity

:)

LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 3:30pm
Hi again,

I just wanted to thank you for the link :)

Take care,

Jeanie