eye contact and flirtation

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
eye contact and flirtation
7
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 1:51pm
I am married, have been over 27 years. Years ago husband cheated and I found out. We entered counseling and tried to work things out. basically we did and after a 6 week separation, we got back together. Since then I have had three affairs. One off and on for several years, the other two very very short. My husband always caught me. I realized after quite awhile that I never fully forgave him for what he did. The first girl was 16 when he was 29! I cant even begin to tell you the pain and suffering I felt but I wanted this marriage to work. I love my husband dearly but have no passion at all.I am not telling this to make an excuse, just giving a bit of history. You've all heard it before. Last week I walked into the coffee shop I get my coffee from and saw a man there. We locked eyes and instantly smiled at each other. It was instantaneous attraction and I feel he feels it too. I saw him the second day and he was with three men. He saw me walk in and raised his eyebrows at me and gave a huge smile. On Saturday as I was parking my car, a man got out of the car in front of me and it was him! Yesterday I walk in and he is sitting with a girl whom I later found out was a business associate. He was turned away from me so figured he wouldn't see me. OH no! When I turned to leave he was staring right at me with this big huge smirk on his face. Later on in the day I see him driving down the road 30 minutes from where we live but on the opposite side of the road. He didn't see me but I saw him and am wondering why am I all of a sudden seeing this guy everywhere? Does it mean something? I feel like we have done this before somewhere at some time where we saw each other and locked eyes immediately but cant think for the life of me where or when! I found out from the manager he is divorced. I am extremely attracted to him and want to go up to him and talk to him. I know it is asking for trouble. The good thing is I leave soon for a vacation for awhile so I wont be seeing him but I would love to correspond by email. Am I that bad for feeling this way? I know in my heart it is wrong. I feel so desperate for attention and that great butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I see him. I would never leave my husband and ruin my family's lives but at the same time I love that feeling and miss the passion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2008
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 2:04pm
I totally understand what you are saying. I recently ended my A. I was hurt yes but I am moving on. Right before it ended an old friend of mine came back into my life. He was my old roommates bf. We are all friends. Talked on the phone etc...we have always stayed in touch via chatting...about every 4 or 5 months. He would ask how his ex was I would tell. Just the updates of everyday life. Until about 2 weeks ago our conversation went way deeper then that. I am like you. Makes me feel very good. We have talked just about everyday since then. However different then you in that he lives in New York and here I am in KY. We all long for the desire of passion and attention. Its also stimulating to you get that attention. So I understand where you are coming from and all the feelings you are feeling right now. However I keep thinking how did this happen. I never ever thought about an EA, which is what it is now, with him. Though he has always been in the back of my head never thought it would actually happen. He never did either but the weird thing about all of this is things have happened over the years where our paths have crossed that have made us think. We came to know each other through my roommate. They ended their relationship badly. He was out of here picture but like I said we still talked off and on. About two years ago I was in chicago on vacation. When I got home I had a message from him that said..."I saw you in Chicago at Webers Grill...wanted to tell you that you looked great"...I was blown away. We chatted again a little later asked why he didn't say anything he said he didn't feel comfortable due to being with my family. I was ok with that. Then he told me that he had been about 30 min from my home several times with people from work. Kind of always thought about coming to see me but never did. Its kind of like he has all been at my finger tips to grab hold of be never did. So now here we are...talking just about everyday for about the last 2 weeks. Its been great to have him back in my life. That is just little about my story just to share with you. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 2:34pm

I would sincerely advice you to not go ahead for the only reason that its a very tough road.The initial period is great -- new found love,passionate sex,excitement,etc but after a while it either begins to fizzle out or you get busted or get onto the typical emotional roller-coaster.If you still want to continue, set up boundaries,if its just sex you want ,keep it that way and dont let feelings come in between. the moment you get emotionally involved, tough ride awaits you.

Choose carefully.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 4:46pm
Thank you both for your messages, advice and stories. The possibility of having sex with him is about nil. My husband and I work together and we are together enough where if I was gone long enough he'd wonder where. I really am just hoping foe the least to have a fun guy to chat and flirt with. Also, the thing that b ugs me is I know this has happened between us before and want to ask him where I know him from as that is bothering me as well and since I am leaving in a few days am hoping to at least be able to talk to him before I go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 5:58pm

I agree with heissick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 10:58am

I seriously advise against going ahead w/ this A. If all your marriage is missing is passion then you should by ALL mean stop your behavior. I suggested to someone else to take a marital retreat for a week end. Go on a vacation, get counseling, but do something that will at least suggest that you are trying to make it work. Marriage is a lot of work. Just like anything worth having it requires maintenance. You can't drive your car forever and not keep up the maintenance, and expect a smooth ride indefinity. Same thing w/ marriage, but I will tell you one thing about A's, they are ten times the work, and everything is extreme. You either extremely happy or extremely sad. Extremely horny or extremely satisfied. There is no stability in an A, and I think that what makes it so appealing also makes it so hard. The excitement and not knowing are so surreal, but as with everything, it costs, and you have to decide if your willing to pay that high of a price when your marriage is less work, and better for everyone.

I wish you the best of luck, and please, please weight your options carefully. Keep us informed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 3:18pm
Thank you Justice for your advice and everyone else who responded. I am actually going away for awhile anyway so that has helped make my decision easier. I am not going to pursue anything but I can tell you this past weekend I made a lot of breakthroughs in what is wrong with my marriage. I cannot tell you how hard I try to do everything to make my husband happy. He is so self absorbed and self centered that he doesn't seem to even "see" me or my needs. He is being a real bitch about my going away even though he knew ahead of time and said it was fine-he is joining me there twice and will only be apart basically 10 days. He cant believe I want to be away from him "that long" because he would NEVER want to be away from me. I dont need guilt because I need a break from my grown kids who live here and my work. Instead of saying "you deserve it" as I would, he is thinking only of how it will impact him. It really bothers me to see how little he regards my feelings...............but I have been in this marriage for 28 years so I am not going anywhere. It was a nice fantasy to think about another man though.
Thanks for the advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 3:26pm
I've been M for 31 years. I can relate to everything you have said. I'd love to email off board if you want to.