Feeding my monster
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 07-21-2010 - 7:49am |
Hi all
I mentioned this in another post and thought it was worth explaining.
I have been doing SO MUCH thinking about my A and mostly why am I doing it? As Dr Phil says, what need is it meeting that I continue with it despite my open admission that its about 60% angst for 40% highs.
This is where my thinking is at...
I have a monster in me. Its a selfish wild thing that is the warty, hairy, ugly representation of all my self-esteem, frustration, life disappointments, unmet dreams, lost youth, ageing body, diminsihed attractiveness- all rolled into one. So normally I kept my monster at bay- reared its head occasionally when men look at my daughter and not me when we jog past, or I miss out on a job I want, or dont get invited to something.
But then I met AP, and man-oh-man did he give my hungry, growling monster some good stuff. He fed it, stroked it and made it purr. He had lots of food at the start and I was happy that my monster was keeping quiet.
But the A rolled along and over time AP had less food, less time to stroke the monster. He still likes me and my monster, but as we know the honeymoon stage ends, and the monster feeding becomes less and he starts to feel a bit guilty that he isnt feeding mosnters that live in his own house:)
In any event, my monster started to get annoyed. What? Wheres the food? Wheres the stroking? And the nature of the monster means that it becomes more anxious, more unwieldy, esteem plummets, squirrels run riot, all the nasty things that the monster does- now come back more intensely - simply because the monster wants its hit!
So here I am. When my mosnter is getting its hit, I have peace and quiet and great feelings. But the many times in between when my monster is now screamin for its hit- I feel terrible.
But- there is hope. Now I realise that the monster is a reflection of my need for attention, my low-self esteem, my attractiveness issues etc. I know that what I feel for AP is partly him but partly the intense relief I feel when my monster is fed. I can see that the squirrels/anxiety/why hasnt he called/has he dropped me stuff has something to do with missing him, but a lot to do with a monster who now needs to be fed rather than look after itself.
So now... my mission (if I choose to accept it) is teach my monster to feed its big old ugly self! Then I can enjoy my AP for the man he is, and accept whatever happens in the A without making it all about me.
Ok- thats my wierd analogy- but its working so far :)

Hi,
You make the most perfect sense! I feel like that monster and I find it odd that after all the years that I was faithful and then met AP and started my roller coaster ride, men are checking me out every where I go. It's like I'm a magnet now and they sense my want for attention. But you know that saying "be careful what you wish for". I wish I never wanted all this attention because now I'm in a situation where I'm caught up and my monster loves it. Its like I have this alter ego and she's everything that I am not and will never dare to be. I need to stop feeding my monster as well and come to terms with all my faults and heal myself.
IGS, you are beautiful and your AP sees all the good that you possess but we are not realizing is that we don't need them to validate us, we have to do that for ourselves (easier said then done). Especially when our monsters do it so well =). I feel
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
<
I love Rayne's post!
And this subject makes me think of "Where the Wild Things Are". You know, people think it's a movie for kids, and its decidedly not. The book appeals to kids (and was written for them) because kids instinctively know they have a monster inside... sometimes the monster takes over, and they feel like they're looking at themselves from afar, and not believing what they are doing. But the movie might not even appeal to most kids - so much of the meaning is beyond them.
We should all get to know our monsters, then maybe they won't control our behavior as much!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Not a weird analogy at all: I think it sounds pretty spot on, actually (and probably for a lot of us).
You will never truly be happy with anyone else unless you're truly happy with yourself, first.
anotherseyes
I love your post. It makes me think about myself.
"I can see that the squirrels/anxiety/why hasnt he called/has he dropped me stuff has something to do with missing him, but a lot to do with a monster who now needs to be fed rather than look after itself."
This comment - is right on.