Feel Like I Could Kick Myself
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| Fri, 03-13-2009 - 12:39pm |
I'm a newbie and hopefully posting on the right board. I've been in a an A with AP for 1 1/2 years now. When I met him I didn't know that he was engaged. He traveled a lot for his job but spent most of his time with me when he was at home. I was falling in love with him and knew that he loved me. D-day happened 6 months later when his fiancee called me. She lived in one of the states that he visited often, which explained why he wasn't always available when I called. Despite d-day, we started seeing eachother again and we started to get closer. He would tell me that he loved me and wanted me happy, that the engagement was off, but would never talk about his plans for the future. I kept telling him that I wanted more, but he wouldn't take any steps toward building a real commitment with me.
Last month, after lurking for a while on the MAS and EAS boards, I started to realize that AP wasn't trying to commit to me and was happy to stay on the fence. Although I started NC, after a week I missed him or the A, or both, and started seeing him again. Now he's just told me that he may be taking a job in the same state that his ex-fiancee (fiancee) lives in. Part of me is so grateful that he may be leaving so that I can finally get off this rollercoaster. The other part of me feels so rejected, like I'm not good enough and he's picking her over me. Today is such a low day for me. I can't believe that I was trying to let go of him, and now it's the other way around.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
This is what happens when we ignore RED FLAGS. You already felt in your gut that something was not right. Then you found out his playing with two of you and who knows how many more. The fiancee's call was the confirmation that he's a cheater. So why did you not dump his azz then? Men who don't want to commit usually are happy the with way things are. They get their cake and gorge on it too.
Now, fully knowing "who" he is, I would suggest. Don't let him drag you through the mud with him. A's are very destructive R's that goes nowhere and guaranty's incredible pain. Let him go. If you're single, find yourself a nice single man who will commit. Be glad you're not this guy's fiancee who has to deal his cheating azz.
Go read some more in the EAS board especially in their "Healing Library" to help you out. Resolve to be a strong independent woman whom men will die for to have.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
Be glad that this time around he told you the truth , lol! I totally understand the rejection part ( I am SW with a MM ) ,it sucks and guess what ? it shows in our behaviour towards our AP and is a complete turn-off.
Be gentle on yourself and let go off the liar.Liars are nothing but liars !
Thanks for the eye-opener. Honestly, I've seen the red flags all along but was just in too much of a fog to really call any attention to them. I took AP back after d-day because despite my better judgment, I so wanted to believe him when he said his engagement was over and I didn't want to deal with the pain of letting go. I can see how silly that is now because I've gone through hundreds of those little pains for the past year just trying to justify both of our behavior staying in this A.
AP called a little while ago as if everything was great, telling me about his interview and contemplating whether he would take the job if he gets it. On my lunchbreak I went for a long walk to clear my head. I know that I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but the thought that kept coming to my head was "You're being a jerk." In other words, I've been acting in a way that is so self-destructive. I know what's best for me and I know I would be doing myself a great kindness to just walk away. A's are so addictive, but when I finally take my head out of the clouds for a few minutes I can see what kind of person AP is - a manipulator and a liar! And it's funny...I was actually thinking how glad I am that I'm not his fiancee!