Feel really bad right now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Feel really bad right now...
10
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:14pm
Well, I was on a cloud for the past few days, felt closer to OM than ever...then tonight, we were supposed to talk on the phone and catch up on what's been going on in each other's lives...we've only e-mailed for the past week or so. We've both said a lot lately that we missed talking and seeing each other, etc.

Anyway, he e-mails me at about 7:00 to say he can't talk tonight because he's "going out" with the guys. About an hour and a half later, I get a text message from him, he's at some strip club watching nude wrestling and for some reason feels the need to tell me how "hot" it is and how "hot" the girls wrestling are... Now, I'm not a prude mind you, but for some reason, this really bothered me. I feel really bad right now.

I feel like I got punched in the stomach. I felt so good the past few days about everything between us and how he felt about me. Now, I feel like he kind of cast me aside for this? Why does this hurt? I'm not his wife, or even his girlfriend. I feel rejected, like this was more important than talking to me...and it hurts.

Any advice? Am I overreacting? What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:17pm
Well I text messaged him back basically saying thanks for the update, and not to worry about calling me when he got home (he mentioned he might) since he was obviously very distracted and very busy. (Immature tactic, maybe, but it just slipped out)

Anyway, he text messages me back just now saying that he thought I would think it was "funny" and that he was actually "bored" (yeah right) and that I should give myself more credit, whatever that means.

I still feel hurt. Why? What right do I have to be hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:38am
hi circe,

ok, I'll try to help by lending a male POV. I'll try to be honest (maybe too much so) with my thoughts and experience, though it might not be right for your situation. Here goes (with tongue in cheek where appropriate)...

Men are stupid. Even the most sensitive of us men are given to split second poor decision making (often based on fantasies, misperceptions, etc.) We then have to try to cover up by pretending we meant something else. And the more sensitive we are, the more susceptible to guilt we are.

OK, here's my *guess* --

He went out with the boys. We all need a night off from time to time, even from our most loved and definitely from the stress of two relationships. He went to a strip club, cuz sometimes that happens. Many of us men are at the mercy of other men for entertainment choices. Poker for some, pool for others, strip clubs for some of them. It feels manly and some men really enjoy it. Personally, I'm a poker man...

He messaged you because he felt a little guilty about not seeing you. With nothing really to say and the male generally being unable to admit guilty sensations without great prodding. He told you about the environment around him because he isn't going to try to express feelings now, and as men, more often than not being honest just creates new problems.

If he'd messaged that he was regretting his decision to go out and wished he would have seen you, would you honestly have let him off the hook with the admission? Or would you have had a hard time resisting the urge to give him a little more guilt? As men, we *expect* to get more guilt regardless, so we decide not to admit anything. Endless cycle, I know.

There is also the unspoken hope that you would reveal your hidden desire to go along to watch naked girls -- hey, we're men, that's how our little minds work, even the better ones.

Now you text him back with the classic woman tactic, slightly sarcastic guilt. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Men complain about it some, but at least we know for sure the intent and can try to react appropriately. It's important to give men something from a category we know or we'll just make the situation worse by stumbling around looking for clues. Slightly sarcastic remarks with a reduced level of maturity? Hey, that's us. We understand that and the implication.

Unfortunately, now he has to try to explain it away. Admission is the smart thing, but as I said, men we are not conditioned to admit anything -- except pain under certain conditions, and all you women know when I'm talking about.

Now he has to text back some cover story which only results in sounding still less intelligent and honest than he had previously.

Did he really think that you would find it funny? No, of course not. He was trying to communicate *something* to you, some twinge of guilt for not being there. And, again, was probably subconsciously hoping you'd make some subtle pseudo-lesbian comment. It's a deeply ingrained fantasy for us boys. We can't help it. We wish we could.

Bored? Well, to be completely honest... I hate strip clubs. I like naked women, yes... but strip clubs are just terrible, even the good ones. I've been three times, all for bachelor parties, and I drove each time. Watching drunk men with a fist full of singles convince each other they have a chance with the strippers while being asked by pushy naked girls if I want to "tip" them... I did get bored, truthfully. Well, not so much bored as insanely ready to go home.

As for the right to be hurt... of course you do. Your emotions are yours, you have a right to them. But he probably was just being a dumb, insensitive man who had probably managed a beer or two before starting to think about how he could be with you. Naked girls you can't actually enjoy... another reason to avoid those clubs.

Anyway, all kidding aside... maybe consider not taking his actions tonight as a sign of anything except poor judgement in communicating and possibly some guilt over not seeing you.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:18am
Rain,

I want to thank for posting here. I have learned quite alot about how a man sees things from you ! I can relate to the excuses in different situations . My MM finally told me he felt guilty for making the choice to go to a party instead of keeping the date with me. He ended up comming over late. Said he was bored there so left and came to see me. Guess that means he really does have deep feelings for me. Not that I ever doubted it !!! But if there is no guilt, there is no feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 6:07am
Wow! Rain thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Your response made a lot of sense, and I can definitely see where you are coming from. And, I can see where a lot of what you said is right on the money.

I thought it was odd that he would message me at all, he's supposed to be "out with the boys" after all". I guess it just hurt that he chose to go out with them instead of catch up with me like we were saying all week we would try to do. I am still really hurt and upset, I can't help the way that I feel. I guess hearing that the man you care about and are attracted to is out ogling other women isn't good for my self esteem or something. I don't know...

He did send me one more message of a joking nature saying he would bring me breakfast this morning, but I didn't reply. Should I try to talk to him about this, or tell him how it made me feel? I just don't think I have a right to do that. He is engaged and I am married, and I just don't feel like it would be my place, even though I do/did feel that we were becoming very close. I don't know, I'm just confused at this point.

Thanks again for contributing your perspective! I really appreciate the male insight. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:06am
hey Raining...

i just love reading your male pov posts.. it makes me laugh and brightens my day and for that i want to say THANK YOU lol

have a great day!

i will now

Seeburg

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:49am
Men are so weird...(with the exception of our wonderful male boardies)

One of the things about your OM...is the fact that he's single...and still can be influenced by peer pressure...

And the fact that he probably couldn't think of any kind of excuse as to why he couldn't go...it was probably them saying it's your birthday...blah blah blah...

But one thing that stands out...

Hey, I'm at a strip club...BUTTTTTTTT I am obviously not into it since I am sending YOU text messages...

I'd be flattered...

=)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:19pm
Thanks buckaroo, that made me feel a little better! :)

Well...OM e-mailed me about 5 times today, each time making sure he said how he really didn't want to go last night, his friend needed a night out, it was stupid, etc. etc.

I guess my frosty responses were enough to let him know I was upset about the whole thing. He said that his friend is going through some problems, blah blah blah, and needed a guys night out. He said that they were only there for 2 hours, got bored and left...Whatever. I'm still pi$$ed

In his last e-mail he said that he looked forward to seeing me tomorrow for happy hour (weekly ritual with our crowd) and that it would be a much better time than he had last night.

I still don't know what to make of all of this. I still don't know how I should react.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:19pm
Well, OM has e-mailed me several times today, seeing if I'm going out after work for happy hour. He is acting like nothing ever happened, and that nothing is wrong. So, I told him I wasn't sure if I was going or not. He e-mailed back, offering to pick me up. I am not sure if I want to see him or not...still a bit hurt about what happened. I may go out for a bit, and see how things go. Thanks everyone who responded! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:08pm
It's Friday, you might as well go out with him and try to have some fun!!

I don't know about your MM, but mine doesn't like it if I hold a grudge. And really, I want to enjoy my time with him, if you do, just try and get over it, and go out and enjoy!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:40pm

circe honey, you need to let it go now.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board