feeling blindsided

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
feeling blindsided
5
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 6:59pm

hi all,

Things have been going really well since my last post. I had backed off and he pursued. So today after he didn't call and I called him (no answer) I get text that says

"Call you first thing tomorrow. 2 hours of marriage counseling, awful weekend and bad day."

Ummm...wow. I had no idea things were so bad you guys! So we'll talk tomorrow..of course my mind is reeling, is he going to end it, stay the same? just venting...and how do I handle it. last we talked we were making plans to get have a hotel day this week, but I'm guessing that is now off. Pretty sure I would not be in the mood if I were in his shoes. Do I ask what this means for us? Do I just listen?

chech

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 8:12pm

I wouldn't ask "what it means for us" right away. I would listen. If you listen, you might find your answer about what it means, or you might not, but don't push it. I wouldn't mention the hotel day unless he brings it up. If he does, and seems to want to go, then go. Let him take the lead. He might want to hang back while he decides what to do.

Eventually you'll have the "what does this mean for us" talk, but not yet, unless he initiates such a talk himself. But I wouldn't initiate it right now, if I were you.

Proud to be a



Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 9:37pm

Thanks Lexi...I will seriously bite my tongue. BUt you know that's what's in there.

Their marriage has been not great the whole time we've been together (4 yrs), so eventually I guess it has to come to a head. Any way that this would "not" have an impact on "us". I can't see it and of course I'm analyzing the crap out of it. Talk about squirrels.

Dang it-- was going so well too!

Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 11:34pm
I agree 100% with Lexi. Take cues from him right now. He's got a whole lot going on - don't add to it. Let him know you're there, but there's NO pressure.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 11:53pm

I just went through something similar, and I sympathize.


I didn't ask him where this left us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 4:34pm

Good News is late last night I found a text that said "don't freak, we're fine...this is just hard". So I slept and didn't freak. This morning he called very early to reassure me that everything's OK, but that they had another session today (2hrs), he told how it all went down and that it has reached it's final boiling point...if things don't get better one of them has to go. Not good for two cake eaters. :( I do not want a MW SM relationship.

I ask him if I was in the way, that would I be a better friend if I just stepped out? He assured me no and said that the two relationships were very separate in his mind. He wants things to just work at home like they should...that they are just always mad at each other and completely disconnected. Anyway, he would call me after the appointment and we would see each other somehow, someway tomorrow. I felt better.

This afternoon he texts me and says "Can't talk, too many emotions out of control and I'm kind of a mess, can we talk at lunch tomorrow...need to process all this"

I say, "OK. I'm sorry."

"it's fine just hard..."

"i know"

He says "thanks for understanding and being my friend" A lot of tough questions today"

me "always.... Therapy is exhausting and scary"

him "yes...."

I've been to therapy and I know it's hard. I am very unsettled. I know there a lot of difficult questions ahead. Ones that will make him wonder what the hell he is doing with me. Ones that will drive him to major distraction. He says he doesn't care about their sex life or even having a romantic relationship...he just wants to be able to be civil for a start. (They don't speak) That said, her facebook page is very hunky dory..like everything is just perfect. So it's hard to buy some of what he says.

I know that this will change things. And it's very hard to listen to him and see him so upset over her when it's me that is intimate with him. It's sparks this awful jealousy, even though I love my husband too. I want to be there for him...we have a long and passionate history and have made it through some tough stuff but this is gonna be the hardest I fear if it makes it. I sure you all understand when I say I want to be supportive, I want to be a good friend but I just don't want to be just a friend...I really don't want things to change...separate is separate right? Unrealistic I know. I know its the nature of the R.....but being last always sucks.

How do I do what's healthy for me and him? How do I not let this absorb me? How do I keep things were they should be? How do I not get impatient? I'm terrified that he will see that it will be easier to just STOP. How will he keep the two things separate like he said?

chech