feeling blue - NC for 5 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
feeling blue - NC for 5 weeks
15
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 12:56pm
Hello everyone, I am new here but have been reading the boards. I was having an 'A' with MM for almost 2 years. It was a physical relationship, and we emailed each other daily basis to keep in touch. About a year ago he mentioned about not seeing each other, but that didn't happen, we continued to see each other. Well, about 5 weeks ago, was the last time we got together. Then he emailed saying he'd like to see me the next week. I haven't heard back from him since!! The longest time period we didn't talk before was about 3 weeks and so now I am worried/upset/confused. I would like to see him again, but I already sent a couple of emails since then with no response, so I'm not going to lose all my self-respect by begging him!! And I am made sad by the fact that he didn't even say goodbye to me if that is what he wanted. I don't know if he will change his mind? Or do men never change their mind once they've made it up?

I would appreciate some advice from anyone who's been thru this and survived!! Thanks.

xxxx

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 8:35am
He probably knew that the only way he'd be able to completely let you go was to cut you off without saying goodbye. That may sound harsh, but the fact that he tried to initiate NC before and it didn't work tells me he probably was right. He knows he doesn't have the willpower to let you go without just forcing himself to just stop altogether. It's possible he may come back, but for your own sake, it would be better if you just gave up all hope of that and moved on with your life. If you've made it through five weeks, you can keep going. Contact at this point would just destroy all the progress you've made. I know we all feel like we need closure on these things, but do we really? Does it make it hurt any less to have them say the actual words that they don't want to see us anymore?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 9:26am
Thanks for your reply Lilah. I know you are right and I should try to get on with things and forget about him. Its really hard though, this week would have been 2 years for us. He always said he wanted this to go on for a long time. And if he got back in touch, I know I would get together with him again. I'm pretty pathetic I guess, but I was getting something out of this relationship that I can't get at home, which is physical intimacy. My husband is not interested in that, its been months. He drinks alot and will not quit, loves the bottle more than me I think. But I'm not going to email MM. If he wants to see me, he will have to contact me. Then we'll see.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 11:27am
hi dusty. i agree with lilah that your MM unfortunately just decided it would be easier to not contact you than to actually tell you "goodbye." most men just can't face the tears and confusion of ending a relationship, on any level. OR he may have been caught by his W somehow and is now trying to salvage his M. either way, you may never know, but as lilah says, does he have to say the words?

i have a 10-year R with my BF and we had the same intimacy problem because he loves the bottle and it was affecting our sex life in a big way. my A started because of that factor and several others, but it is the attention, intimacy and sex that i live for now with my MM. we talk every day and i get nervous if one day goes by that i don't hear from him and it's been over 3 years now.

i hope you can move on and not be toooo unhappy. hang in there honey. time does heal the wounds.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 11:37am
I feel like you understand my situation. And I really depended on my MM for that intimacy and just caring what I go thru, I've told him about my H. Its really hard to think I'll never see him again. And my H, he's never going to change but I don't want to look for another man, it was just that one MM that I wanted. I'm really hoping that he gets in touch with me again. But in the meantime, I am trying not to be too depressed.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 11:56am
honey i completely understand. if my MM stopped contact, i would go crazy. i NEVER thought the A would get to this point. if i had any idea it would go this far, i would have stopped it back at the point of the first overnight trip. but i didn't and now i'm caught.

my MM knows my BF, i know his W -- we are social all the time and have been friends for over 8 years. my MM is the first man i've actually trusted to "be there" for me, no matter what. he's demonstrated that aspect over and over again, again too long to post here, but it started with 9/11/01 when my MM got me out of DC and put me in contact with his W who picked me up, and we all got out of town in the chaos of that day. all my BF did was demand that i come home, which i couldn't do because of no public transportation moving until late that night. how appropriate since today is the 2nd anniversary.

i don't want to leave my BF but that might be happening shortly and i'm afraid i will then lose contact with MM and W, although MM says that's not going to happen. i have some big decisions to make soon and i'm not looking forward to any of it!

i'm sorry you're depressed. do something for yourself -- get a manicure or pedicure or massage. take a walk. work out at the gym, see a funny movie, anything. keep busy and try to stay positive. this too shall pass, i promise.

contact me anytime -- but during the day here. i can't get on this site at home. and i can't give out my email address for work.

hang in there,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 12:13pm
I wish you luck with making your decision about BF. If I didn't have kids still in school, I would leave my H. Its sad to admit but I would. My kids will only be in school for another 5 years or so, after that I will make a decision if I'm still with H. As for me, I am going to the gym, hanging with a girlfriend etc. But I have told NO ONE about this A, not my sisters or friends. So now I'm feeling this way, I have nobody to talk to about it.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 12:22pm
my kids are grown and out of the house so that's not an issue for me, but i gave up my entire life once when i left my xH 15 years ago (my kids were 3, 7 and 11) and now i'm faced with ending this R, selling my house (the one i've been in since the D) and moving on. i can do it, it's just starting over again causing all kinds of upheaval. i'll just have to deal with all the consequences, i guess. but at least i'll be in control of my own life and not dependent on anyone else, which is what i've been working toward for the last 10 years or so.

i have two very, very close girlfriends that i can confide in -- both of whom i feel are my twins (or i guess triples!). they know all and give me the luxury of having someone who listens to all my ups and downs with MM and BF.

i wish you had someone to talk to in person. but if you feel you can't trust anyone, then don't. keep coming back here and talk with us and me.

stay in touch,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 12:28pm
hi dustyrose sorry having hard time rigth now.my ex-mm we were together about 2 years then moved away .l moved away from new york in dec 17 1986 moved where right now.then after 13 years he came back from me from feb 19 1999 to to july 25 2001 l now he was missing me always miss him to.but now with mm l have rigth now l haven't seen or talk to him since jan 2003 we spend holiday together thing is his W has alzemiers' and getting so bad so he has to talk care of hetr 24/7 . he doing the rigth thing but doesn't makes easier for me miss so much. hope get talk and get see your mm soon. hugs kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 12:31pm
I think you are lucky if you can keep your A going for so long. My anniversary would also been this week, two years since me and MM 1st got together. I wonder if he is remembering that also. I know what you mean about the house and all, this is my 2nd marriage and I don't want to leave my house etc. And right now I can't think about another guy. But if my H doesn't improve (which I doubt he will) I may get to that desparate stage again and look for another person to have an EMA with. I think I'm too young (42 to live without sex) but yet I am afraid to lose everything and leave H.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 12:34pm
Thanks for your thoughts Kimmy. I really appreciate them. I know I am pathetic for wanting him back, but I would go in an instant if he contacted me. The attraction is so strong still.
xxxx

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