feeling down ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
feeling down ...
5
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 9:35pm

I'm just trying to figure out what the best choice for ME is ... I love my AP very much. We have known each other forever and been through more together in one life time than many ... Had we not started this stupid A, we would probably be very good out in the open friends ... spouses and all ... but we did start this and now there is no chance of that ever happening .... For those of you who have read, you know it's been an absolute rollercoaster with the most recent incident earlier this week. I basically told him how much all of his emotional fall out was killing me ... he either needs to not do it or find another way to deal with his guilt after ... we fought a lot about everything ... and I basically told him I couldn't deal with it anymore. later that day he sent me a text apologizing asking if I would give him another chance to be my friend and work through this ... I just couln't answer him ... I needed space and later that night he sent another text saying I guess I have my answer ... i wish you nothing but the best. At that point I responded and just told him i didn't know what to do. he told me he felt like he had just 'hurt and lost his best friend and that it was his fault" He wants to try and keep this friendship because I mean so much to him ... there is no question that no matter what this will always be at least an EA and I told him that. I was honest that because of how I feel if he stays in my life he will always be more than a friend and that makes us vulnerable to repeating the same mistakes and that I can't keep going through this over and over and over ... he has told me repeatedly how much I mean to him and how much he enjoys having me in his life and how special what we share is ... but he doesn't want to be physical anymore and he keeps getting confused about that and screwing up.

I guess I just don't know. I don't want to walk away from one of the few people in my life that really get me and I so wish we hadn't screwed up our friendship by crossing the line but i don't see a way to go back over the line ... I feel kind of empty right now ... anyway ... this is really the only place i can get all this out ... so to anyone who read it all thank you ... any advice is welcome ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: mrm7391
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 10:41am
I just found this post - it was buried on the second page - I have to remember to look on the second page now, we're getting busier!



I wish I had the magic answer for you mrm... You're in a very tough place. I think you have to decide if you can live with an EA rather than an EA with PA, because it really seems that continuing a PA will just make this happen over and over - him feeling guilty and pulling away. I think you know this - you've said it yourself, right here:



...and I basically told him I couldn't deal with it anymore...



...I was honest that because of how I feel if he stays in my life he will always be more than a friend and that makes us vulnerable to repeating the same mistakes and that I can't keep going through this over and over and over ...



...but he doesn't want to be physical anymore and he keeps getting confused about that and screwing up...



Sometimes, re-reading our own posts gives us the answer we might not want to accept. I call it "thinking out loud". Decide if you can live with the relationship with the "new rules" of no PA. He's pretty much said that that is the way it has to be.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: mrm7391
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 2:44pm

I think you need to take a HUGE step back from him. I think you need to really think what is best for YOU. Not best for him - YOU. He seems a bit wishy washy about things and he's dragging you and your emotions along for the ride. We all have a breaking point - it's that point we reach when we simply can not take anymore regardless of how we feel about the other person. I truly believe you have hit that wall with him. His reactions to things have pushed you straight into this wall.

Take some time for YOU. I will be honest.. it's VERY difficult to go from a PA to an EA only. It really is. I tried it with my first AP and we didn't get very far. There was just too much attraction between us.

Good Luck, sweetie!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
In reply to: mrm7391
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 8:39pm
Well after a lot of talking about everything and where we want to be we have decided we want to figure it out together. We did see each other today but nothing physical happened. We were even in a private location. We didn't have much time together, but hung out on the couch and even snuggled a little ... but that was it ... he said it wasn't that easy but we did it and that was a small step. I don't know if I made clear that he has said many times over the past 10 months that he does not want to be physical, but within a month he always does ... not by pressure from me at all ... we just end up back in that place. So who knows if it'll work this time. It was nice to sit and just cuddle with him ... I'd be willing to bet that neither of our spouses would like that so I'm not saying that we are no longer having an A .... just a different kind of A I guess. I don't know what it is honestly ... he still wants to keep the text relationship we have up ... he says he enjoys that we can share that with one another and he doesn't feel guilty about that .... I was very honest with him that if put in a position to be physical again I would probably make the same choice I always have and he said he understands that and knows that if anything does happen again it's on him not me. As nice as today was, it was a little awkward not kissing him goodbye or anything like that ... I told him that was actually the hardest part for me. We will see where things go .... who knows what will happen. Because his wife knows me and that we are friends apparently she actually said to him the other day that she wouldn't mind hanging out with my husband and I some time .... this is something he NEVER thought she would be open to because she knows of our history... which is why this whole relationship started as a secret and because of the secret deveopled into what it did. We both agree that for the moment and many many many moments to come we are not ready for family BBQ's ... maybe someday, but certainly not in the forseeable future ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: mrm7391
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 12:58am
How's it going, mrm?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
In reply to: mrm7391
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 9:46am

Yeah ... not so much ... I posted earlier this week titled "I'll never learn" ...

There wasn't a huge fallout this time though and I don't know if that's because he has been super busy or if he just kept his word to me that he wouldn't let anything like that happen again.

His crazy couple of weeks is about to slow down and he's going back to his normal routine tomorrow so we'll see what happens. We don't usually talk/text much while he's at home and he's been out of work for 2 weeks, but he goes back tomorrow .. we will see ... I go back and forth myself wondering if we can ever give each other enough. I can tell you I loved seeing him, but I've missed him like crazy these past few weeks. Its not like we haven't talked, just not even close to the amount that we usually do ... We have even seen each other and I know some of you only see your APs a few times a year so i shouldn't complain ... I just wonder if the highs are worth the lows and how I'll get through the low period if I do walk away from him. I know I'll make it through, but I don't think I'll ever be the same person again. And I definitely don't know if I'll ever look at my M the same again ... which is an absolute disaster by the way.

As I type this AP just texted me that his craziness was over ... Do we ever really know which end is up in an A?

Maybe I'm just too emotional of a person to be in this kind of situation ... especially with a person I have such an emotional past with. I don't know.