Feeling Down

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Feeling Down
24
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 3:21pm

I'm not

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2009
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 4:56pm

OMG OMG OMG OMG You have just DESCRIBED EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel exactly as you have described. I feel like am I just in this because I want to win? I am not really a people pleaser as much as I have fallen so hard. And I want him. For me his W does NOT know that he has someone and would have a huge fit if she out. I hate vying for his attention. I know that he wants to be with me. But wow yea I feel the same as you. So you are not alone in that

As far as staying or going, that one is up to you. I can't and really noone can make that choice for you. I know for me, since we have not had sex yet that I would miss him. I would miss what he means to me. But that's just me. Good luck! And we are all here for you!!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 11:46pm

Torn,


You already know I understand how you feel. It does feel like a game. I say to myself, if I do this for him or treat him this way and do the things his W doesnt then he'll see that he wants me and me only. I'm a people pleaser also but I've just fallen so hard for him. As far as meeting her, I have no desire whatsoever. I dont want to even talk about her unless he's telling me he's leaving her. It sounds silly but thats how it is. Sometimes I wish she would just leave him. Some may think that's mean but that's how I feel. I hate this up and down, back and forth and all around. It makes me feel crazy sometimes.


If I'm so wonderful and he loves being with me, and he shares his fears and desires and passions and hopes, and dreams and yes his body, then what is the hold up. Get some balls, stop cake eating, fence sitting and punking out and choose. Sorry, I had a moment just then. It's so frustrating. It's said that we are the weaker sex. That's a bunch of crap to me. I've never seen so many weak, and punky men in my life. Not all of you.


Anyway, Hang in there. Remember that we both have a timeline in mind. I'm trying to enjoy our time and keep in mind that I wont have to feel this way forever. Either we will be together(I hope) or we wont. That's all there is to it. We will make it however it goes.


Hugs


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Fri, 10-09-2009 - 2:16pm

Good morning caribu,


Always good to hear from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Fri, 10-16-2009 - 9:03pm

Ok, my pre-weekend/time with him vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Sat, 10-17-2009 - 8:48pm

I'm just venting/keeping a diary again, not hoping for a response, but if anyone feels like responding I'm happy to read.

So, last nite we are out at a work related event for him. We go off and grab some food with one of the other guys he's been working with the last few months. We sit talking business for a bit then making small talk. The co-worker then asks BF and I if we live together. We both reply "no" at the same time. But, then BF adds "but we will be very soon." Ummm!?

Where in the world did that come from is what I want to know! We had talked about him moving out of his current place with his FWB for a long time now, but not in with me. About 6 months ago I had to renew my apt lease and had considered moving to a slightly larger model (I would like more space) and I asked him how he felt about me moving to a different apt for a few reasons: 1. being what his thoughts were on new neighbors for me (safety) and 2. to see if he might be interested in us living together some time in the future. Not an invitation. I wanted that info just to figure out if I wanted to sign a 6 mo lease 12, or 16 mo. Since that time, the subject has not at all been discussed. I also ended up renewing the lease on my current apt, not a larger one at that time.

I also went through his phone last nite. There were no recent calls/texts to the FWB. However, I fell asleep on the couch around 3:30 and woke up briefly at 4 and we decided to go lie down in bed. He hurried up and tried to send a text while I used the restroom, I came out before he could send and must have had a look like "who are you texting at this hour?" look on my face. He started telling me he was texting a friend about borrowing something for tomorrow. Normally, that would be believable because his friends/co-workers are all nite owls so 4 AM is not really out of the norm. But, I just had the feeling that wasn't the case. Checked his phone this afternoon and saw he texted FWB that he was going to bed, miss you. Yeah, yeah. Am I surprised? No.

Feelings of irritation and resentment continue to build. Moving in together...I just have to kind of laugh to myself. I'd love to buy it, but I can't trust him enough to live together. Who knows, I might be the new "FWB" or LIGF who gets cheated on with former FWB or whoever else. If he were to move out, I'd hope it would be on his own or with a male roommate. That way I could maybe consider trying to trust him and/or prove his commitment to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Sun, 10-18-2009 - 1:51am

I have followed your posts and understand your irritation Torn. It seemed to me that he liked being a kept man at home but had you as the excitement out of home. To me, he seems to be in an R with an either ignorant or very trusting woman. If he is hiding texts from you about her, theres no doubt hes doing the same thing to her with your messages. I am just curious as to how he manages to explain where he is at so many nights of the week without her getting suspicious. If she was OK with your R, I doubt you would have been kept apart for so long. Very dubious.

Since this seems to be coming to the end for you, maybe you should instigate the confrontation so your situation comes to a head. Ask him everything you ever wanted to know and put him on the spot. At the least you will get a lot of denials and anger or he will just blow it off and explain everything you ask. You will not be worse off IMO. This will just bring all your questions in the open and the answers you do or do not get can help you decide whether to waste any more time with him. The situ as it is now is absolutely not working for you and resentment and anger with him can only harm your feelings. Get your concerns off your chest with him and dont let him have his cake any more. He is supposed to be a SM. He should ACT like it.

I hope it turns out OK. Sometimes he seems great, then other times the waving red flags are flying high. Good luck.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sun, 10-18-2009 - 3:02pm

Torn,


I hate to say it but a FWB would not text at 4 am to say he missed his FWB. The entire point of having a FWB is so you can avoid all responsibilities and entanglements of an R.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 10-18-2009 - 7:30pm

Hi Torn,


I know how frustrated you are feeling. That's interesting that your AP told his friend yall would be living together soon. What is up with that. And why is he being so deceptive as far as the FWB goes? It's just crazy. As SB said, sometimes he really seems like a great guy but then the FWB and secret texts make me think otherwise.


You said you feel resentment. I'm starting to feel that way towards my AP. My patience is starting to wear thin. I just keep thinking to myself he doesnt have long before I have the big talk with him at the end of this year. I'm just plain tired. Either you want me all the way or not at all. I dont think it was wrong for you to create a profile on the dating site. It's good to keep our options open. I'm not going to just sit around waiting for him to leave his M.


Maybe you should talk to him and ask him straight out

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 2:34am

Hi thank you for your response!

I think you may be correct in thinking the FWB/whatever-she-is, is overly trusting, ignorant, or perhaps does know what is going on to some extent but is "ok" with things so long as he comes home to her (at least a few nites a week).

He gets away with being out of the house for the entire weekend or other times by telling her he is on business. One time about 6 weeks ago she almost caught him in a lie. He said he was working out of town, but the local paper published something about that event being in town at a local place. She sent him a text inquiring, he texted back saying he's just trying to make a living, and she should stop interrogating him.

IF she was/is a FWB, I don't see why he would have a problem introducing us. I have told him I wouldn't mind meeting her. I would have zero issue meeting her or anyone else he previously had a thing with, so long as it remains the past. He doesn't understand because he doesn't want to know about any of my ex/men I've slept with and would def never want to meet them. But, I'm thinking that's one approach I could take....asking to meet her.

I have been trying to think of the way I want to approach this all. Lay it all on the line, tell him the truth, that I looked at his phone, and tell him he needs to make a choice and do it now. Or, tell him I'm done.

Or, I could be sneaky and make contact with the FWB anonymously and get her to start questioning things/pressing issues with him, too.

I agree, he should act like a single male if that's in fact what he is.

I have end of the year as the deadline, but the last few weeks every time we spend time together I get closer and closer to blowing up. Last nite I was so angry when he went to use the bathroom at the place we were at, and I knew he was making a very short call to her (checked his phone later, I was right). They will talk every day/every other day, I think for 1-3 minutes. I could maybe even understand a little more if she was the one initiating most of the contact, but it seems to be more of an understanding/expected that he will call her (probably because he is away "on business" and its not always convenient to talk).

Well, while he was away for those few minutes, I was seething. I have been imagining all the ways I could possibly end it. Everything from blowing up then leaving him somewhere to figure out his own way home to calmly confronting him asking him to explain it all and lay it on the table.

He went through one of my drawers the other day when I wasn't home. Though he did tell me (not something that was easy to hide/got something out) it was after the fact and he didn't ask permission. A few weeks before this, he also went through some of the stuff on my computer and found some rather "risque" pictures I had taken of myself. He asked me about those, why he hadn't seen them, and also, I found this part interesting...how did I take them. Um, timer on my camera. Hm. So, he's thinking I'm up to something?! WTH.

I was ready to lose it on him at that point and say something like "oh, so you can go through my personal stuff, but I haven't even been to your house ever. I have never even seen where you live!" I almost said it and wanted to request then I get to see his phone...his only personal thing I have access to...just to "even" the score. But, I also felt like that would be hypocritical seeing as I've gone thru his phone. Nor, was I sure I wanted to start "the" fight that way.

It's hard because there are times he seems great, other times I'm really mad over the situation with her. I can't keep this up much longer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 2:50am

Hey snow,

Thank you for reading.

With regard to your first question, 4 AM is a "normal" time for them. They both have jobs where they work late nite/graveyard shifts. So, 4 AM for him/me when we're together is getting close to bed time, but for her it's like noon/lunch. But, regardless of time, its the fact that the message is even being sent. Like you said the whole point of a FWB is to have sex with little/no obligation to them to keep in frequent contact. There's either 1 text message exchanged basically saying goodnite/hope your day is good, miss you or a short 1-3 minute phone call.

I certainly do not like the deception, any way it is being dished out...to me or her.

How much sex? I don't know really. Seriously, I have accused him of being a sex addict, somewhat jokingly. I don't think he is full-out addicted to sex because if he were there would probably be several other women (from what I have seen from his phone and e-mails its only me and the FWB). However, he really does like sex. So do I. He's almost always ready to go, but is not greedy. By that I mean he's very focused on making sure he pleases me first and foremost; nor does he ever pressure me if I'm too tired, etc. He also watches porn a lot. He doesn't hide it and I have no problem with it. We both agree it's a temporary solution and nothing he does while I'm around or that interferes with our sex life. If he wants more sex all he has to do is come over/spend time with me, forget the FWB!

That's my new-ish way of looking at this: if he is happy with her or me, why does he need the other? I'm not enough, and neither is she. Maybe no one will be. In my message a moment ago I said I have been contemplating about ways to confront him and/or end this. One of my fantasy moments included me yelling at him about neither of us being enough, that he is greedy, and as long as he is with her he will never truly have what he wants. He said I'm exactly who/what he wants more than anything...Guess what, you just lost it. You had me, but I wasn't enough and now you are back to just existing. I didn't say it, but boy was I close to losing it a few times.

The curb is in sight. Whether or not or when he ends up there is another story. There are many good things about him, but this is one very major negative aspect here. *sigh*

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