Feeling Down

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Feeling Down
24
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 3:21pm

I'm not

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 3:08am

Yes, the timeline is very important. Like you, I'm not sure if I can/will make it til the end of the year. Patience is definitely wearing thin these days.

I mentioned before that our 1-year anniversary of the day we met recently passed, and I think you said your 1-year also passed last month. I don't know if its that that's making me more aware/rushed/wanting answers more than before. There have been other little 1-year things that have come up/are coming up since our first date...first time we kissed, first time we had sex, first time this or that, too. Some are sweet. Then there are others like the first time he discussed moving out because the situation he's in isn't what he wants, and I made him realize how wonderful a person I am and how we could really be together, etc. That anniversary is coming up in January. So, basically, in January that will mean he's had a YEAR to get his stuff together! I know his work has been unsteady (typical with the industry he's in), but come on. I'm frustrated.

I fear the resentment will soon build to the point of no return. My xH was emotionally abusive and played around with other women. I'd catch him, and there was always an excuse. Finally after 3 years of continually being caught, counseling trips, and more, I had built up so much resentment towards him that I couldn't take it. I tried to spend time with him, but it was awkward and I felt he didn't care/wasn't in to it, I HATED when he tried to touch me (sex was a chore), and I just felt so disgusted at who he was/all the lies that I couldn't go on. I'm afraid that this relationship could end up going down that same path (not M, but bad ending) if the resentment level builds.

I have also contemplated trying to end it on a friendly note and keeping him as a FWB, though I don't know how feasible that is...from my point of view and his. The sex is great, but I don't know if I can deal with that ultimately. I read a thread on the EAS board about what being "friends" really means. Insightful.

Please keep posting, caribu. It's good to hear from you and even though you are in a similarly bad situation it's nice to have company. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but it's good to have others that understand. I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends about this situation. Or, if I do, it's in minimized terms. None of them knows the full extent of all of this. Thank you and everyone else for listening to my rants. I'm sure there will be more to come LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 4:45pm

I'm just ranting again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 8:27pm

Wow torn,


I get that way some days. You do sound like you are past fed up. I'm having days where I dont if I'll make it to the time period I have planned. I'm really trying to though. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 11:17pm

So this weekend was good...I guess. I had a nice time with BF. He seemed to be extra nice somehow and was "treating" me more than usual...food/drinks. That was nice. There were a few times where he would look at me sweetly and carress my face. I'm a sucker for that move I think lol

Then of course I had to check his phone...ugh. He texted FWB a couple times. Once to tell her happy Halloween and another to say hope her day is good and he'd call her in a few hours. He did call, the usual 2 min.

I'm almost trying to stay mad at him as it helps me keep my distance some emotionally. It's easier to move on when I'm mad/resentful/disgusted than when Im liking him and he's being "wonderful". He wants me to go out of town with him next week for a day and a half. He's working part of that time, 3 hours. Don't know if I want to take time off my job and make it convenient for him. Part of me wants to go cuz I get to see him and also cuz it's 2 days he's normally with the FWB. So I "win"...? Hm.

Feeling more confused than ever. Just when I was moments away from washing my hands of all of it, here I am back in confusion mode. I'm hoping things start going one way or the other again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 3:27am

This has been an interesting weekend. I'm still terribly confused and seem to be getting sucked back into feeling happy with him and a little hopeful.


I wonder if he knows how my resentment has been building. He always seems to know when I'm upset or there is something wrong. Always. So, I'm wondering if he's picked up on those feelings and is telling me what he thinks I want to hear or if he's serious about this stuff.


Friday he tells me that he's buying his car by the end of this month for sure. He's telling me about all the money he will be making and how eager he is to get his car. (I'll believe it when he pulls up in it). Next, he tells me that in the week he has been looking at buying a condo toward the beginning of the year. He said he's looked up a few places online and even went as far as e-mailing a private seller for info. I'm thrilled at this possibility because if he does move out, and on his own, it will be what I want. It will be the chance for him to prove to me he's serious about me and won't be staying with or going back to the FWB. At the same time, I'm not holding my breath.


I checked his phone last nite...no texts or calls to her that day or Friday. I was pleasantly surprised. Saturday we were out and he was again telling me how hard he's working and how he's trying to do things AND how he's trying to change himself (break bad habits and generally be more responsible). I was again glad to hear this. I thought maybe this can/will also apply to the FWB situation.


We had great sex last nite. Afterward we laid in bed together for a bit. Then after a while he got up to get some water...and to check his phone. I got up a couple minutes after he did, and it looked like he was sending a text. He looked up and told me he was texting his buddy we were hanging out with earlier that nite. He told me his stomach was feeling a little queasy because we had too much to eat earlier, so he might go for a short walk in a bit. I fell asleep on the couch. He did go out for a little bit (not sure how long because I fell asleep hard). Of course, this morning, I look at his phone. No text to FWB or anyone for that matter. Hm. However, there was a phone call to her, but I couldn't tell the duration from the phone. Arg!


I am slightly hopeful from all the things he told me this weekend....and with no prompting. I also was feeling a little better because of the decreased communication between him FWB.


I just keep hoping. Some days I get very hopeful, while others I think I am an complete and utter idiot.


I look at things, and I spent 3 years "hoping" my xH would stop with the OW and I'd "win". Never happened. I spent 3 years checking phone bills, thinking when more than 2 days passed and there were no texts/calls between him and the OW, that maybe he had come around. No. It went on forever. He was/is a serial cheater.


I am so afraid that I will spend another 3 years of my life hoping, trying to "win". I can't. I'm not going to waste my time like that again all the while making myself sick and insane. Beginning of the year sticks for the one goal. If that happens, he doesn't have much time for goal 2 to occur (being moved out). This rollercoaster ride is exhausting some days.




Edited 11/9/2009 1:02 pm ET by torn_apart_goddess
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 8:29am
OMG, I get the, "You deserve better", "You are amazing" all the time!!! What do these guys do? All read the same how to have an A book? LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2009
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 8:46pm
Those dating sites are really crap. I was waiting for my MBF all summer and it got really long and lonely... I did go out with one guy who totally lied about his age. Not bad looking, fancy car... another loser. Waste of time really.
It's a sign you are looking outward for someone available, and yet you feel guilty about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2009
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 8:48pm
Listen to White Liar ten times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 3:38pm

Yes, I want someone available, preferably my BF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2009
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 6:15pm
Oh girl...I don't know what to tell you. I feel for ya..its tough. I just think that you live one life..why not live it in a happy way? I can't remember your situation if you were married. To snoop and have proof that he's actually out of town just seems like too much work. When it comes to a relationship like that stuff is easier said then done. I hope you can start putting yourself first and not be in a situation like that anymore...you deserve better then that!