Feeling down..just wanted vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Feeling down..just wanted vent
3
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:04pm
I'm so thankful I found this board. Everyone has been so supportive and helpful. I've only started posting recently and was getting great advice. I decided not to take my A too seriously and just appreciate what time I have with MM and just be glad he cares about me, even though he does not love me. I thought I came to accept that and would be fine with it as I know we have no future together. So coming to that new revelation this weekend and finally having it out with H about my confusion about my feelings for him, I started off Monday in a very good mood and just was happy to see MM at work and even told him that I was going to be less emotional about the A (he was glad to hear). Didn't even get me down when he said he didn't think about me as much this past weekend as he normally does and that he wasn't sure if his feelings were fading or not. I was still okay with all that because I told him I hope his feelings weren't fading as I was still into him and didn't want the A to end. He didn't really respond but did say he still loves to spend time with me.

Fast forward to today. Still in a good mood and happy to see MM, but as the day progressed was getting frustrated. MM and I are good friends at work and everyone knows it, so it would not be strange to find MM at my cubicle or me at his, but MM never seems to want to stop at my cubicle anymore. He has other female friends in the office too and he goes and spends hours talking to them, but doesn't even stop by to say hi or email me. Is it jealousy? Probably. I often think, if it wasn't me, it would probably be someone else, but then sometimes he surprises me and says something sweet to me to make me feel special, like he loves to spend time with me, but then doesn't when he can and he's such a flirt around the office! Argh, sometimes I wonder if he's got something going on with someone else in the office or even outside of it. He never calls me after work anymore, makes no weekend contact, and doesn't email unless I email him. We haven't played in like 3 weeks even though there are opportunities aplenty.

I just get frustrated and confused and wonder if MM is just playing with my feelings. It can't be about the sex because we barely have any.

Argh...thanks for allowing me to vent. Some days are harder than others and today is just one of those hard days... :(

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:22pm
I work with my OM too. He happens to be my boss, too, which is even more complicated. We go through the same thing. We were spending a lot of time together during the day in our early stages, and we had to stop, because we thought it was becoming too obvious.

My OM is also a flirt (with certain women) and I used to get jealous. In fact, there was one woman in particular who I felt was hot for him and although he always told me he wasn't hot for her at all, that he was just playing her. He also told me although he wants to spend time with me all the time that he knows he can't. He is very good about "protecting" himself and his reputation.

It could be that your OM may be trying to deflect attention away from your relationship by "spreading the love" to others...to show that he's an equal opportunity attention-giver.

My man seems to go through phases where he's going to "give me up" and has to "let me go" and then he comes back because he misses me, even though missing me pisses him off. Sometimes he kind of pushes me away. Turns out he started doing that when he started having real feelings for me because it scared him.

The best thing to do is to discuss it with him and ask how he's feeling. Sorry for the convoluted answer. Communication is key in this type of relationship because there are so many dynamics involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:33pm
Thanks for the response. MM has always been a flirt and since my office is 95% women, the odds are nice for him. Several women have made passess and offers to him and it's hard because I wonder if he has taken any up on them. Whenever we are out to lunch, he's always checking women out and saying how hot they are and will even ask me if I think they are hot. Sometimes I know this is an act for my other co-workers, other times I think it's his way of saying, don't get too attached to me because I'm still on the hunt.

The reason I don't talk to him about it because we agreed we were FWB and there were no rules about this A. I've had "feelings" conversations with him in the past, the most recent about 2 weeks ago and he kind of straight out said if this is too emotional for you, we should end it because I'm not a emotional kind of guy, not even with my W. He said I care about you but that's it, I can't offer you more. He alluded to not wanting to have these "touchy-feely" conversations anymore and kind of just wanted to let things run its course. Almost sounds like he's waiting for me to get out his system so he can move on, huh? :( Thanks again for listening.

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:29pm
You should definitely talk to him but maybe try to avoid the "Touchy-Feely" part of the conversation. You can ask him why he never comes over to your cubicle anymore. I don't see the harm in that.