Feeling like an emotional blender

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Feeling like an emotional blender
3
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:06am
Oh I am so mixed up inside that if I was a blender, I could make a mean daiquiri right now! LOL!!! I’m trying so hard to let go of MM and it is just killing me. He told me that he and his W are in counseling to see if is it worth trying to save their M. (She found some email and went ballistic, which is what led to the counseling in the first place.) I was shocked to learn that when the counselor asked him how he feels about me, he told her (in front of his W) that he loves me. I know he loves me, as I love him, but I guess I didn’t think he’d be so open about it – especially not in front of his W. I feel bad because I haven’t been quite so open with DH. (DH knows I have feelings for MM, but doesn’t know how strong they are.)

I’m torn because I want to be in MM’s life and I want him in mine. But then again, I want him to be able to put all his effort into the counseling and his M (that is, if he and his W decide they want to work on it). I know the M had issues long before I came into the picture. But I’m afraid MM can’t look at it clearly with me around. I wrote him a long letter today which I haven’t sent yet. The letter encourages him to be honest with his counselor, to think about who he is and what he really wants in life. I told him that to really make an effort to repair his M that he will almost certainly have to cut contact with me. I want him to know that I understand this and that although I hate the thought of NC, I would do it for him because I love him.

At the same time, I have my own M to deal with. I want to work on it – see what is left of it and see if it can be rebuilt. But DH is rarely around. How on earth do I rebuild with someone I never see? He is trying to cut back on some of his responsibilities so he can be around more. I really appreciate the effort, but I’m bothered by the lack of any short term progress. The kicker is, my marriage isn’t bad. Yes, it is lonely, but it isn’t bad enough that I feel I can just walk away – especially not with kids involved. I won’t say I’ve been really happy, but I was at least comfortable in it. But meeting MM and finding someone who actually WANTS to spend time with me has changed my whole perspective.

*Sigh* This hurts so much. I try to remind myself that sometimes growth is painful. I also try to remember that there is a plan for my life and things will work out as they should. But it is so hard.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. Like many of you, this is really the only place I can come to “talk” about these things. So I end with a question for those of you who have any experience with counselors. Neither my DH nor MM’s W know we’ve been talking since the email discovery a week and a half ago. (We’ve cut way back on the contact, but are still in touch.) MM plans to tell the counselor that we've talked – and I’m fine with that. However, I’d rather his W not know because I don’t want her to go ballistic again. His counselor has to keep it confidential, right?

Thanks again you guys! (((HUGS))) all around!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:22pm
yes, the counselor has to keep it confidential. so he must be doing individual counseling as well, right. Well girl...I have no words of wisdom...just wanna let you know that I'm thinking of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 6:14pm

(((((((((((((((((((((Hugehugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) GB2... I feel for you hon... can't say I can give you any advice here... I know I would step back if MM asked and visa versa... thankfully for me... we both seem to want the same thing.


I just wanted to say that yes... the counsellor must keep it private...

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 6:18pm
Thank you both very much for your kind words. I am having a very rough evening. Talked to MM again. I feel like I shouldn't, but he calls and I can't help myself because I WANT to talk to him. We're both struggling. This is so very hard. :o(

Anyway, thanks again.

GB2