Feeling guilty and bad today....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Feeling guilty and bad today....
21
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:02pm
I am feeling really bad today. As all of you know I left my H shortly after my A started (bad M anyway). Last night right before I went to bed with MM (now b/f, he left M also) my DD called to tell me she lost her first tooth. She was so excited about the tooth fairy coming and it wasn't me. It was her dad and his new live in g/f. I should have been there for that and I cried myself to sleep feeling like the most horrible creature in the world for doing this to my children. To make matters worse H called me yesterday (while I was with b/f) to tell me that he still loved me and if I wanted to come home he'd kick g/f out in a heartbeat. B/f was listening to this conversation and I had to politely find a way to turn down H (because I do feel some guilt for leaving him and hurting him so badly) but at the same time I had to do it in a way that didn't make b/f uncomfortable. I just feel so guilty for doing this to my family. I think I'll go cry now...that's all. Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:48pm
hi karen. honey, have a good cry and get it all out. yes you feel guilty because you're not right there for every single childhood event, but really, you are just a phone call away and i'm assuming can see your children any time you want to or at least on a regular basis.

i was in a similar situation when i separated but i actually spent more time with the children while out of the house than if i'd been living there! my xH only lasted 3 months with the children, and i moved back into the house but then xH was depressed and misplaced. so either way, someone will feel guilty for not being there. but take heart in that your children are safe and comfortable and being taken care of with stbxH and GF. as long as you see them and talk with them on a regular basis, the children will be just fine. you, on the other hand, need to stop beating yourself up. life goes on and everyone adjusts. i swear!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 2:53pm
I am usually just a lurker here but felt compelled to post in response your post. As I do not wish to provoke anger or attack you, I will do my best to maintain an appropriate dialogue. Although the feelings I have are much stronger...suffice to say, I can't believe you left your babies. I can understand wanting to leave your marriage...but your children? I have never understood how a mother could do that.....unless there is just no maternal bond there. I would have to be six feet under to ever ever ever leave my babies. I would eat my own face first. Your daughter will remember losing her first tooth for the rest of her life. You should feel terrible about missing it. I ache for your little girl. Mommies aren't supposed to leave them. I just can't imagine putting a relationship with a man before my children...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:24pm
hi blue and welcome out of lurkdom.

do you think it's fair to project your opinions on karen and her situation which we cannot know in its entirety? and why aren't the children fine where they are, safe and sound in the family home, be it with their mother or their father?

just because she's out of the house doesn't mean she's a bad mother, or not bonded with her children, or selfish. i just don't think you can judge someone based on a few lines posted on a messageboard. she needs support, not a punch in the gut!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:36pm
Actually, yes, I do think it's fair. I think it's horrible that she left her children. Do you know for sure that the children are "fine" and "safe and sound?" based on a couple of lines on a message board. She needs more than support. She does however, need a punch in the gut, as you said to snap her back into reality. At the very least, she needs to get into therapy and think about the future and the impact her abandoning her babies will have on them forever. Regarless of how "fine" they may seem, I can't even imagine what those little people must feel like inside due to her absence.

I will not be returning to your board as I do not wish to be disruptive and do not wish to participate in hurtful banter. I just could not resist getting my feelings off of my chest.

Blue
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:37pm
Okay, first let me say I respect your opinion and I don't want to scare you away since you just made your first post here. But that said, I think you are flat out wrong. Not only was your response to Karen cruel, but I found it rather sexist actually. Why is the mother automatically the better parent? Why should Karen feel horrible about "leaving" her children but you seem to believe it would be fine if her xH were to leave? The fact is if both of them are good parents, they both should have time with them and be able to be parents. I suspect that is exactly what is happening. What she is doing is not immoral or unethical. No, it isn't ideal, but she is there if her children need her. And at this sad time for her when she is feeling miserable about not being there for a milestone, I think it was incredibly unfeeling of you to attack her for it.

As a father who is approaching divorce, I am absolutely NOT leaving my children. I am leaving my M and I will spend a great deal of time with my kids. I have an extremely strong bond with my oldest son and will with my youngest also. To suggest getting divorced is never okay when there are children involved is unfair. And to suggest only the mother is capable of taking care of the children is even more wrong. So thanks for taking the time to respond to a post. But please take care not to attack someone who is already vulnerable. That was very unfair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:38pm
This is supposed to be a support board, not an attack board (even though you state you don't intend to provoke anger or attack).
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:47pm
It's different...I apologize if you find it sexist, but it is. As I said I wont return to your board as I don't want to "fight" with anyone. If I was harsh, it is simply because I think Karen needs to get some counseling. Leaving a marriage is a huge decision...leaving her children is enormous and if she is feeling this badly about missing a first tooth...how is she going to get passed all of the other firsts...and seconds or thirds for that matter that she misses. If it was the right thing for her to do...I do not think she would be feeling this awful. I do care about her situation and am sympathetic to her pain, but I think she needs some tough love here. She knows it is not right and she is trying to convince herself.

Sorry...

Blue
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:51pm
Again I am sorry...my intent was to be thought provoking not to attack. I just feel very strongly that Karen is not thinking clearly. I do have empathy for her pain....I do however, think she is wrong and I think that she knows it in her heart. I urge her to get counseling immedietly if she is not.

good-bye...

Blue
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:52pm
hi all. look, i've BTDT and my children grew up just fine, thank you. omaha is right when he said it's unfair of society to project all the caretaking for our children onto their mothers. fathers are just as capable and nuturing as mothers and if the parents are splitting time with their children, the children benefit by having double the attention from their parents. that's how my children grew up, with two homes, two parents who loved them and raised them together, but separately.

unless you've walked in our shoes, you cannot judge.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:57pm
I am sorry, but I disagree. Support comes in many forms and just because I did not candy coat my support with a bunch of "poor baby-isms" does not mean that It is not support. I could care less if she left her husband.....I am worried about her kids and I am worried about her. You also have no idea what "shoes" I am in which by the way has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Blue

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