Feeling guilty and bad today....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Feeling guilty and bad today....
21
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:02pm
I am feeling really bad today. As all of you know I left my H shortly after my A started (bad M anyway). Last night right before I went to bed with MM (now b/f, he left M also) my DD called to tell me she lost her first tooth. She was so excited about the tooth fairy coming and it wasn't me. It was her dad and his new live in g/f. I should have been there for that and I cried myself to sleep feeling like the most horrible creature in the world for doing this to my children. To make matters worse H called me yesterday (while I was with b/f) to tell me that he still loved me and if I wanted to come home he'd kick g/f out in a heartbeat. B/f was listening to this conversation and I had to politely find a way to turn down H (because I do feel some guilt for leaving him and hurting him so badly) but at the same time I had to do it in a way that didn't make b/f uncomfortable. I just feel so guilty for doing this to my family. I think I'll go cry now...that's all. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:23pm
What shoes you are wearing may not matter, except that you're clearly projecting how you feel onto others. So it does matter what your perspective is.

And I'm sorry, but you're completely and utterly wrong about it being "different" if it is a man or a woman who leaves the house. I will have you know I am my son's primary caregiver and it is very difficult to know I won't be there for him everyday. I'm sure there will be many times I'll regret not being there. But I know it is the right thing and I'm not going to be guilted into staying in a bad M. I'm not saying Karen's situation is exactly the same as mine, but I'm just pointing out that feeling bad about not being there all the time does not equal feeling like you made a bad choice.

You claim to be worried about Karen. Well if that is true, then you should be more careful how you word your statements. Because what you said wasn't helpful at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:28pm
Welcome to the Twenty-first, blue... Dads are just as capable of loving and nurturing their children as are moms -- ask Omaha about that. And they have just as many rights and priviledges. We don't know this story -- you for sure don't. Karen has made many many sacrifices for her children and what they will remember is how much she loves them. BTW -- do you remember losing your first tooth? I don't and I had both folks my whole life. I'd be careful of making judgements here. We are a pretty tight community, and very open to each others' strengths and failings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:39pm
Why should you feel guilty for removing yourself from a R in which you were not happy ?

I am sure it's quite hard on you to "share" the children with your EXH but it seems to me that it's wonderful she was able to call you and tell you this fabulous news - I can name several friends of mine that if their child lost a tooth - either the parents are too bitter to let the children make contact to the other person or they just say "too bad you missed out" -

It's hard moving on and making these adjustments - parents and children and everything else involved but you have to see thru all of this and feel that it's going to get easier.

Everyone is afraid of the unknown and I think that is where you are right now - in an unknown place - you need to find what will make you happy and run toward it !!

Good Luck - Stop crying

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:44pm
this is in repsonse the the person who posted what mother would leave her babies....??

you don't know the posters situation so don't judge -

I would leave my children with their father in a heartbeat - who makes a better parent ???

NEITHER -

I would feel my children and safe, cared for and loved with their father just as much as if they were with me -

Also I would not want to disrupt the children's lives any more than necesary such as putting them in a new home where they do not have their belongings that make them feel SAFE and LOVED -

School is another issue -

Their friends -

Why is everyone so --- the children have to stay with the mother ??

Aren't fathers responsible in this world too ??

I am sure it is hard enough for her as it is -

Back off !!

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:57pm
Am I missing something? Has Karenca said that she left her children? Isn't it possible that it was during her daughter's time with her dad that she lost her tooth? Even when two parents live in the same house milestones with the children are missed - some things can't be helped.

What's important is that the children know that they're loved. Nothing else really matters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:07pm
C'mon guys...are you serious with these unconditional mushy mushy pats on the back for everything? getting pregnant by your MM...leaving your kids....bla bla bla.....

I know there are some of you that agree with me...i know it. Maybe you don't like what I have to say, but I am entitled to my opinion and entitled to say so. I don't think Karen is a horrible person....I just think, based on her agony, that she has made a bad decision in leaving her kids. I just don't choose to smooth it over with an "ooooh you are sooo strong and everything will be fine" Did any of you read the post? Did you feel the post? She is devestated.

Blue
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:14pm
Did I mention we stand up for each other.... that's because many of us have faced the same issues that Karen has. And if you think we would have posted placating notes just to make her feel better, you obviously have been lurking on some other board. Here we say what we think regardless of whether or not someone wants to hear it. I'm done. Time to hit ignore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:27pm
Yes, in a way I do feel like sometimes the replies are placating. I think that this girl has some real problems that none of you are addressing. I am sorry that you don't like what I have to say but again I don't think being supportive means getting a cavity from being so sweet while doing it. Yes, I am lurker...maybe I don't "fit in" here but I saw some real and very deep pain in her post. More than any other post I have ever "lurked" through. I tend to be more of a realist than that. Some of these people that you "stand up for" are in some very dangerous prediciments. I don't think it's good advice to just say "awwwww, It'll be okay".

Blue
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:37pm
Did I "feel the post"?? Do you feel anything? Yes, I get that she was quite sad over missing this event. I know that I will miss such things from time to time too. But again, missing your kids doesn't mean that you made a bad decision in leaving your M. And it certainly doesn't mean the kids are going to have some sort of long-standing issues. In fact, I would suggest that if these children grow up with both parents in truly loving committed relationships, they will have less issues than if their parents had remained in a bad M "for the kids".

You think there are some of us who agree with you? Well if so, it would be a very small minority. We try to be non-judgmental here because each situation and each person is different. You can try to come in here as if you're helping by attacking and being rude. You're not the first person to try such an approach. But you'll find we don't particularly like being attacked. Not when we come here for support. It is fine to offer constructive criticism. But that isn't what you're doing. You say she made a bad decision in leaving her kids when she didn't leave her kids. She left her M. Yes, she is devastated right now, but sometimes what is right isn't easy.

So again, I'll suggest you either back off or try to be more helpful. I don't know what you think you're accomplishing but you're failing at it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:41pm
I am sorry...but again, I really disagree. Something is not right with this situation. I don't see any criticism ever, not even constructive. I think everyone needs a kick in the pants now and again to get them thinking. I will go away, and leave you all alone now..as I am tired...and feeling emotional about a whole slew of other things....

Much luck

Blue