Feeling guilty, miserable
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Feeling guilty, miserable
| Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:02am |
Just talked to MM. He told me that he and his W are separating. (Quick recap for those who don’t know – his W discovered the A and then a couple months later discovered MM and I were still communicating.) I know their M was never perfect, but I also know that if he had never met me and if we had never developed feelings for each other, that his M certainly wouldn’t be in the state it is in. Maybe they still would have separated eventually, but certainly not now. I’m blaming myself, beating myself up. I feel terrible. I NEVER meant this to happen. NEVER. He sounds awful. He says it isn’t my fault. Maybe it isn’t totally, but I certainly share part of the blame. I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself… On top of it all, I’m forced to wonder if MM is going to resent me because of it. I love him dearly. I would never intentionally hurt him. What a sad mess.
For those of you trying to convince yourselves that emotional (non physical) As aren’t as damaging as other kinds of As, please learn from my painful lesson.
Going to go have a nervous breakdown. Thanks for reading.
GB2

Don't blame yourself for this! Problems existed before your relationship started.
Nine years ago, I met my H when he was in a very rotten M. We had a whirlwind A, he moved very far away (he was military), and his M fell completely apart--she found out about us, etc., etc. He ended up divorcing, and we married two years later. At the time, I blamed myself in part because I know that he wanted to be with me, and our R only made him more miserable in his M. But, in time, I realized that with or without me, the D was inevitable. At most, our A sped up the process by maybe a year. Maybe the case with you and MM is similar. Your R probably highlighted the defiencies in his M, and sped up something that would have happened in time.
I think the best thing you can do is give him the space and time he needs to heal from this, but to offer your support when he asks for it. If you do that, and do not pressure him in any way, I think it is unlikely that he will resent you.
Good luck, and try not to make yourself too crazy!
-Tropics