Feeling a Little Down

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Feeling a Little Down
9
Fri, 07-20-2012 - 9:06pm

This weekend is XAP's 4th wedding anniversary with his W. The last 3 were easier to handle because we were involved with each other, but this year, we are not.  It's another reminder that he picked that life over me.  I know his choice made sense, but it still sucks to my heart.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Re: Feeling a Little Down
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 10:36pm

JJ,

Yes, I remember that convo and thanks to you and this forum, I'm becoming more "touchy-feely" and less "logical", in other words, like a woman :smileywink: and yes, a loss is a loss is a loss and it is completely normal to feel sad about a loss. I'm glad that it didn't turn out as bad as you thought it would be and you were not tearing your hair out or sitting on the couch crying finishing a gallon of ice cream from the bucket!

but you do know that what you said here doesn't make sense?

But it still sucks because he is the person I love, and you want to be with the person you love, even if it doesn't make sense. 

For example, there is a woman I love very much, and we had the most amazing time together, and when she comes to town she comes and sees me as we both miss each other, but the last thing I want is to "be with her" :smileyhappy:

These intense emotions are not good for you. Have you tried meditation? You can't fix the broken stuff with the same hammer that broke them, you need another tool :smileyhappy:

P.S: Did you talk about weather with him for 1 hour on his A-night? :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 3:54am

I'm glad to see we are making you all mushy and sentimental now, Iannmann!  I'm sure the women in your life would thank us, because nobody wants to be romanced by Mr. Spock. :smileyhappy:

I agree that the emotion is not healthy.  That's why I have been trying to fight it, but obviously not effectively enough.  I know what the most obvious solution is, and I am just not willing to do it because the acute pain of being without him in my life permanently feels WAY worse than the low-grade ache of being with him feels.  I do worry though that the temporary feeling better that comes with having in my life is really more detrimental to me in the long run, but pain vs.pleasure now is a really hard cicruit to override, at least for me it is.

I have tried meditation and I am AWFUL at it!  I am notoriously antsy...always a toe tapping, up pacing, can't sit still.  Trying to  meditate feels like stabbing myself in the eye.  I have noticed that exercise, nice hard exercise, helps.  I think the only way to get rid of the intense emotion though is at the core.  I can try to treat the symptoms all I want, but in reality, I need to change the way I view him and his value in my life.  That is changing slowly over time, but it is still hard sometimes.

"For example, there is a woman I love very much, and we had the most amazing time together, and when she comes to town she comes and sees me as we both miss each other, but the last thing I want is to "be with her" "---Are you saying this way of thinking is easier to understand than a person who wants to be around the person she loves?  I would say your way of thinking is much more rare than my way.  I think most people crave being around the person the love, even if it isn't the healthiest choice.  I'd say if you do have the ability to separate those feelings based on logic, it will probably be helpful many times, but I'm not sure it would always be healthy, either.  My guess is that it is a defense mechanism that allows you to stay in control, but it also never really lets you experience love because letting yourself fall means letting yourself become vulnerable.  It means admitting that sometimes your heart overrides your head, and allowing that to happen.  I think the idea of letting yourself fall for somebody, really fall, is so terrifying to you that you don't even contemplate it.  And that's why the last woman walked away.  She could see that side of you was so tightly closed off.  It often doesn't take long to see that in a man, and maybe that's what she meant when she gave her reason for leaving. She may have not expected instant love, but she may have realized that the vault was so locked down that it would take more time and energy than she has to try to break into it.  And that, my dear Iannmann, is my armchair analysis of you. :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 3:59am

I forgot the last part!  It wasn't just the weather, but it wasn't deep. :smileyhappy:  I believe there were multiple references to the latest Tosh episode and probably some neighborhood gossip.  And food...that's a staple in all of our conversations  But in our defense, we have been basically continuously chatting for the past 4 years everyday, so we have to get our material where we can! LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 4:27am

I like it that you tend to others first before coming to your own problem... but it could also be that you're working on it in your mind :smileyhappy:

I also like your armchair analysis. All is very true, but I'm experienced enough to know that love is not enough by itself. You're right that the last woman could sense that I wasn't available emotionally for her, but I think I would be available if I receive a multifaceted stimulation; intellectual, moral, cultural, ... not just emotional and sexual stimulation. Things won't work in the long run if there isn't a high-degree of compatibility and understanding. For example, that woman that I love (but don't want to be with) is quite an intriguing character. Extremely sharp and has a sixth-sense. She can even sense that, say, I'm going to call her in a minute, even though we rarely talk/text, and that is very interesting to me. However, we are quite incompatible in so many things that we'll probably kill each other if we lived together for a week :smileywink:

My ex-wife didn't make it easier either, now she has raised the bar so high that I would quickly lose interest if the poor woman is not a master of all arts and sciences! I don't mind to be a teacher (as well as a learner), but I don't want to be a kindergarten teacher. In other words, I want someone who can elevate me, and help me excel, not bring me down, and that is difficult to come by. Maybe it's just me, but my mind needs constant stimulation and I would easily get bored to death by the mundane. Now the problem is that if the woman can't provide that for me, I can get it elsewhere (I'm not talking about an A), but she would feel neglected. Maybe I need to expand my circle to 3-4 women so I can get the multi-level stimulation that I need :smileywink:

I'll try not to be Mr. Spock :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 5:41pm

 

How long did your marriage last sireanita?

Thanks for taking the time to at least think about my situation, although you don't have time :smileywink:

 

->> JJ: Mushy is not a good thing necessarily, I discovered. Even a little "missed you" stuffed in your text could be the kiss of death, so to speak :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 5:56pm

JJ: Mushy is not a good thing necessarily, I discovered. Even a little "missed you" stuffed in your text could be the kiss of death, so to speak :smileywink:

Haha!  You don't have to tell me!  I've dumped guys for INSINUATING they had missed me! OK...so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit but I agree. Then again, I am messed up.  But the hope is to find a person who has the right balance of independence and emotional availability.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 12:43am
janejosie wrote:

JJ: Mushy is not a good thing necessarily, I discovered. Even a little "missed you" stuffed in your text could be the kiss of death, so to speak :smileywink:

Haha!  You don't have to tell me!  I've dumped guys for INSINUATING they had missed me! OK...so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit but I agree. Then again, I am messed up.  But the hope is to find a person who has the right balance of independence and emotional availability.

So next time I'll try this instead: "I missed your ...... and ........". There is a reason machismo works :smileywink: