Feeling a little down
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Feeling a little down
| Mon, 08-16-2010 - 1:28am |
So I am trying to end things with AP and I am waffling a lot.
| Mon, 08-16-2010 - 1:28am |
So I am trying to end things with AP and I am waffling a lot.
Hi Jane,
I always enjoy reading your posts. Sometimes I wish I had an off & on switch and just click it off to get him out my mind and heart. That would make it so much easier but I see him all these feelings & emotions come full speed ahead and I'm drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Its like I'm in a trance and only see him...did he put a spell on me lol? I laugh at it but trust me its not funny at the time. I don't want to want, need, see, feel or hear him next to me. I want to run away from him and then there I go in his arms because I feel so good in them...
I hope as each day goes by that we get stronger and stronger and leave our AP's.
Best wishes in all you do Jane.
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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You know, even if you become EA partners rather than PA partners, it will still be an A. The fact that you had to pretend not to know stuff that you know because the depth of your friendship is "secret" - it's still an A because you're hiding how close you really are. You're not just "friend Jane", and you never really will be. And that's OK, as long as you accept that you are what you are and not having sex doesn't make you "just friends". If you ever get to the point of being "just friends", then when W starts to tell you something you already know because he's discussed it with you, you will be able to say - "oh, 'John' already told me that" and there will be no need to hide what you know - because you're friends and friends and what you do or say with them is not hidden from your spouse.
The thing is, with an EA, there is usually just as much of a roller coaster, second guessing, obsession and everything else you didn't like with a PA. One would think that ending the physical aspect would end all that, but it doesn't. It might lessen it to some degree, but it doesn't end it, not from what I've seen here anyway.
As for his attitude towards the physical aspect and his seeming ambiguous about it - I would have told you to expect him to want to have the physical again, after a time. The sexual desire comes back again after the guilt has worn away. Then if you cave and it happens again it will disappear again for awhile, or at least the guilt will make him bury it. It will be a never ending cycle. If you don't mind the constant challenge of trying to seduce him back into wanting you (and some people enjoy that part) then go ahead and go for it again but don't expect that the pattern won't happen next time.
If you continue to refuse the physical aspect, you still can't expect him (or you) to transition into "just friends" for a really long time - if ever. Since this is part of your past, he probably won't let the sexual innuendo go even if you don't actually ever get physical again. Unless you insist on it that is - then he might try not to say anything but there will always be the conspiratorial looks etc.
It just won't be as easy as true "just friendship" for a good long time.
But to start, a good long talk with him might help you both set some "ground rules" that you are both comfortable with.
Good luck sweetie. I think writing it all out really helps you figure out what it is you want from him and this R, and maybe you can work it out and get that friendship back, but it won't ever be quite the same friendship as you had before.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
What Lexi said :)
I'm with you Jane ....have absolutely nothing to offer today except a cyber hug and acknowledgement of the cr&ppy way these things can make us feel sometimes.
Bird
I am also sending you cyber-hugs...this A stuff is so extremely complicated. I am to the point in my mind where I am ready to call this off with my AP, but I am just a bit waffley, too...not really sure that my heart is ready. I am preparing to have a talk with him, but since he is S, it can't be at his apt. One touch, one kiss, and I am still afraid I am just not strong enough yet. He is actually gone through Wednesday, so more time of NC really helps. I hope that you are able to have a good talk with your AP, and I wish you all the very best.
Jane I wrote a response yesterday but it appears to not be here- maybe its the iVillage upgrades.
HUGE hugs mate- I support what Lexi and Hiskimber said. I think being friends after an A is so hard - doable but hard.
Im having a flat day myself so cant offer any more today- big hugs though. Lets hit the pub... :)
Thanks, everyone.
Hey Jane
Oh mate I feel so bad for you today- its hard to know what to do. Im in the same boat - say something, dont say anything, am I being too anal about all this, why cant I relax and go with the flow.... blah blah
I think as your AP texed you 4 times - I think you have your answer. He clearly likes you and wants this to continue. If it was me, I would be orgabising to meet him soon and say 'There are a few things I wanted to talk with you about... how do you see our friendship continuing with my changed availability...what contact will be possible etc.
I have had these conversations with AP and his response sort of sh#ts me. I like open clear communication and everyone knowing whats happening, whats to be expected etc- its a typical Cancerian trait apparently. So it ends to irritate him that I ask all the time and take our temperature al the time- thats the bit I have to stop!
But apart from that, he seems to hear my concerns and say what he is able to do (which is never enough for me and again something I have to accept or move on).
But thats how Ive done it jane. I think your AP would be open to those convos too mate xx