Feeling a little down

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Feeling a little down
10
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 1:28am

So I am trying to end things with AP and I am waffling a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 9:54am

Hi Jane,


I always enjoy reading your posts. Sometimes I wish I had an off & on switch and just click it off to get him out my mind and heart. That would make it so much easier but I see him all these feelings & emotions come full speed ahead and I'm drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Its like I'm in a trance and only see him...did he put a spell on me lol? I laugh at it but trust me its not funny at the time. I don't want to want, need, see, feel or hear him next to me. I want to run away from him and then there I go in his arms because I feel so good in them...


I hope as each day goes by that we get stronger and stronger and leave our AP's.


Best wishes in all you do Jane.


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:13am

You know, even if you become EA partners rather than PA partners, it will still be an A. The fact that you had to pretend not to know stuff that you know because the depth of your friendship is "secret" - it's still an A because you're hiding how close you really are. You're not just "friend Jane", and you never really will be. And that's OK, as long as you accept that you are what you are and not having sex doesn't make you "just friends". If you ever get to the point of being "just friends", then when W starts to tell you something you already know because he's discussed it with you, you will be able to say - "oh, 'John' already told me that" and there will be no need to hide what you know - because you're friends and friends and what you do or say with them is not hidden from your spouse.

The thing is, with an EA, there is usually just as much of a roller coaster, second guessing, obsession and everything else you didn't like with a PA. One would think that ending the physical aspect would end all that, but it doesn't. It might lessen it to some degree, but it doesn't end it, not from what I've seen here anyway.

As for his attitude towards the physical aspect and his seeming ambiguous about it - I would have told you to expect him to want to have the physical again, after a time. The sexual desire comes back again after the guilt has worn away. Then if you cave and it happens again it will disappear again for awhile, or at least the guilt will make him bury it. It will be a never ending cycle. If you don't mind the constant challenge of trying to seduce him back into wanting you (and some people enjoy that part) then go ahead and go for it again but don't expect that the pattern won't happen next time.

If you continue to refuse the physical aspect, you still can't expect him (or you) to transition into "just friends" for a really long time - if ever. Since this is part of your past, he probably won't let the sexual innuendo go even if you don't actually ever get physical again. Unless you insist on it that is - then he might try not to say anything but there will always be the conspiratorial looks etc.

It just won't be as easy as true "just friendship" for a good long time.

But to start, a good long talk with him might help you both set some "ground rules" that you are both comfortable with.

Good luck sweetie. I think writing it all out really helps you figure out what it is you want from him and this R, and maybe you can work it out and get that friendship back, but it won't ever be quite the same friendship as you had before.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:29am
Jane I'm sorry you're struggling with all of this. Don't be too hard on yourself. Lexi is correct that you have the same roller coaster even if it just an EA like mine continues to be. The best thing, probably not the easiest thing, to do is to talk to him. At least you will know where you both stand. You are ending this A based on what you perceive he wants and you haven't even talked about it with him. Maybe you are misinterpreting what he wants and once you know what he wants you can figure out if it is enough for you or not. Just talk to him! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 3:51pm

What Lexi said :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 7:52pm

I'm with you Jane ....have absolutely nothing to offer today except a cyber hug and acknowledgement of the cr&ppy way these things can make us feel sometimes.


Bird


Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 8:41pm
Hi Jane,
I am also sending you cyber-hugs...this A stuff is so extremely complicated. I am to the point in my mind where I am ready to call this off with my AP, but I am just a bit waffley, too...not really sure that my heart is ready. I am preparing to have a talk with him, but since he is S, it can't be at his apt. One touch, one kiss, and I am still afraid I am just not strong enough yet. He is actually gone through Wednesday, so more time of NC really helps. I hope that you are able to have a good talk with your AP, and I wish you all the very best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:21pm

Jane I wrote a response yesterday but it appears to not be here- maybe its the iVillage upgrades.


HUGE hugs mate- I support what Lexi and Hiskimber said. I think being friends after an A is so hard - doable but hard.


Im having a flat day myself so cant offer any more today- big hugs though. Lets hit the pub... :)

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 10:52pm

Thanks, everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 3:37am

Hey Jane


Oh mate I feel so bad for you today- its hard to know what to do. Im in the same boat - say something, dont say anything, am I being too anal about all this, why cant I relax and go with the flow.... blah blah


I think as your AP texed you 4 times - I think you have your answer. He clearly likes you and wants this to continue. If it was me, I would be orgabising to meet him soon and say 'There are a few things I wanted to talk with you about... how do you see our friendship continuing with my changed availability...what contact will be possible etc.


I have had these conversations with AP and his response sort of sh#ts me. I like open clear communication and everyone knowing whats happening, whats to be expected etc- its a typical Cancerian trait apparently. So it ends to irritate him that I ask all the time and take our temperature al the time- thats the bit I have to stop!


But apart from that, he seems to hear my concerns and say what he is able to do (which is never enough for me and again something I have to accept or move on).


But thats how Ive done it jane. I think your AP would be open to those convos too mate xx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 10:51am
Jane, I would just try to talk to him the next time you are together-maybe you can make plans to meet when you are out running, for lunch, etc. How to bring it up/start the talk, I can only tell you what I did. First talk I chickened out and couldn't do in person so called him after our lunch out and talked with him on the phone.I just told him I enjoyed spending time with him, was attracted to him and wanted to have an A with him and it got rolling from there. Six weeks later, talk #2 when we were returning from another lunch out. This one was in person. I just asked him if he recalled our first conversation,he didn't-I think he just didn't know what I was referring to or where I was going with it. So I had to basically lay it all out there again-it was easier the second time. He had given things a lot of thought from talk #1 to talk #2 and he is slowly coming around. We continued talk #2 on the phone and he told me he was glad we had talked. He asked me how we would go about an A, like I have all this experience, LOL! We have gone out since,but I have decided not to discuss it anymore because it doesn't allow me to enjoy the time with him. I am sure we'll talk about it again, but not every time we go out. I have to give it some time to sink in with him. Anyway,sorry to ramble, but just spit it out-you don't appear to be someone who holds things back,you are very expressive. What's the worse case-he says he isn't interested? We all know that is not the case. It may give him a chance to say what he needs to say and by all means let him do some of the talking! :)Think clarity Jane!