feeling a sense of calm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
feeling a sense of calm
6
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 11:37am

Hi all. Just updating a bit. Have been reluctant to post as not in the mood to be lamblasted by still_there and other lurkers but I'm ok now. I've been separated from H for a couple of weeks. I can honestly say I am feeling a tremendous sense of calm. Life is no different- actually much easier now that I don't have to cook and pick up after him. My only sadness is less time with DD and the stress this causes for her to be away from me. But she is creature of habit and I think will adjust. Before we initiated it, H talked about how he couldn't believe I was doing this- things were not that bad- but then in the next breath he'd say he was not happy either. I think he is coming to terms with it- but it will always be my fault I know in his mind. He said he pretty much knew this will lead to a permanant separation. I didn't deny that.

Also had a long overdue talk with my family about this. They were supportive of whatever decision. My AP and I are still together (secretly), but I keep him on the periphery of this. He has been afraid of losing me and has said that several times because he still has to stay in his M for a while. Basically I told him that I really just need to focus on getting through this and making sure DD was ok. That whatever happens to us was really in his court but I wasn't looking for a quick H replacement. Additionally I'm not looking to date other men

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 12:16pm

You did the right think ,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 1:37pm

No actually he does not know about the continuing A. We have lots of other issues/problems. At times I've felt I should tell him but I've had overwhelming responses here not to as well as many things I've read don't recommend it. I'm surprised your therapist says you should? I also don't know what he'd do- I think he would tell APs wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 5:40pm
Well I was surprised too, but from my counselor experience , she says affairs very rarely remain a secret especially if there has already been D-day & also you can finally ￱continue your A without lying & hiding. Btw , your H telling ap's wife might turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 5:50pm

Hi ss,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 5:55pm

Thanks for the response. That is what my gut is telling me now as well. I don't want to involved APs family at all. I have no idea where that will end up and frankly I'm not thinking of it- more about myself and DD establishing a new life alone. H and I are on fairly civil terms at this point. It ebbs and flows but I think we may have a chance of working through the separation somewhat in tact. I've been reading The Good Divorce and have found it really helpful. The reality is that H and I will forever be in each other's lives because of DD. For her sake, I don't want us completely hating each other until we breath our last breaths.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 5:58pm

I completely agree!