Feeling so guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Feeling so guilty
4
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:08pm
I'm so totally disinterested, everytime my fiance tries to approach me physically. Sex has always been one of our major problems. It was never exciting, for me! with MM it's so totally different.He sweeps me off my feet. I'm afraid he had so raised my standards and expecations, that I feel soo disinterested and not motived whenever my fiance tries to approach me! I'm feeling terribly guilty about it! I once even pretended that "It's that time of the month" just to try and keep him off! Just wanted to know if there are others out there like me feeling that huge gap in the sexual life between H and between MM...and how they get over that...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:53pm
Yes, I have only had 2 men in my life. My first H was

abusive, lasted only a couple of years, in my 20's.

This H will be 19years this June..more of a friendship from

the first ruined marriage, never really had that passion, lust

and wanting to tear his clothes off like I have with my MM.

My H is a wonderful person..but no sex drive and I haven't

either with him.

Why can't we have it all!! I want my H to be my MM as far

as passion, but will never be.

Maybe that is why I am so tolerant for the few times we have

together, because it does make up for the passion I do not

have. Does that make sense?


Thanks Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:47pm
Yes, I felt that way, too, in the last 3 months or so of my marriage. I am sorry to tell you that I never got over it. I tried finding out about any of H's fantasies to see if we could spice things up a bit and he had absolutely none and made remarks that made me feel very guilty about the ones I had, so I never shared them. Then I tried fantasizing about OM. That didn't work. I tried very hard NOT to think about OM. That didn't work. Like you, my OM had raised the bar on my expectations soooooo high that h couldn't possibly measure up, being who he is. So, towards the end, there, all I did was make it available if he wanted it (which, thankfully, wasn't much) but never offering it. After all, OM kept me *quite* satisfied. I would have been happy enough to not sleep with H at all there towards the end, but if he offered, I felt I needed to acquiesce if for no other reason than to keep him from getting too suspicious. But it was an extremely empty and lonely experience.

Lucky

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:46pm
dream



you don't..I 've been in your shoes and now married 20 years and i am still trying to figure it out. Don't marry this guy or at least don't set a date, give yourself time to understand and figure out if this is right.

TRUST ME!!

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 5:16am
Thank you guys for your input. Obviously the lack of passion is a serious point. And as I can see from other people who have been through this, it's not easy to get over it! I don't want to come across as a shallow person, but if the sex drive is that low when we are still not even married yet, then it's only going to get worse after marriage! But my MM is just so good and I know for a fact that F will never keep up. I'm doing exactly what was said, Im just being available for him if he needs me, and again that's not all too often, but if I can I try to avoid sex with him. It frustrates me! Let me know if anyone finds a way out of this dilemma!