Feeling Stupid

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Feeling Stupid
4
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 10:43pm

Hi everyone I am new to this BUT I have been lurking for a few weeks hoping to find answers to the problems I've created.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
In reply to: twinkblu
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 11:00pm
BTDT...understand your confusion and pain. It's like an addiction and you have to have it even though you know it's no good for you. I think by putting your foot down and telling him to make a choice, he's worried about losing you. I do think it has a lot to do with his son. My H has children from a prior marriage and another relationship and if the custodial parent wants to make things difficult, believe me, they can. My AP has an adult daughter who still lives at home with a young child of her own and she is incapable of making it on her own. AP's W enables it by babying her and acting like the grandchild is her own and when he tries to have a say so about it and bring up the issue, he's shot down and the thing that probably ticks me off the most is how his W will throw the daughter and granchild in his face when he's left before, but she knows that plays on his guilt also and its worked more than once. Anyway, stick by your guns, I know it's hard and hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2008
In reply to: twinkblu
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 4:32am

Wow Twink, it sounds as if you are really going through it, and I'm sorry to hear that everything is so chaotic, and unsettling, but welcome to A land.

I think the first thing that hit me about my A (after the incredible sex, addictive attention, and the feeling of being in love) was that the normal rules of dating do not apply. Now I have said this before, but being insecure, unsettled, second guessing yourself, and being needy and clingy are normal reaction to a person in a abnormal situation. We can't expect to share our most intimate moments w/ someone, and to share feelings w/ them, and then let them return to their "real life," and think that that is not going to have some repercussions. Of course you're going to have a onslaught of emotions that are going to be very hard to handle. You are not feeling any thing different or new that most of us haven't felt at one time or another. The trick is to learn how to cope w/ it, or get out. Neither of which is easy at all.

If I were you, I'd try to take a step back, and get your breath. He isn't going to leave his family he has said that, so you must take him on his word. At least he is being honest. He also isn't going anywhere away from you. He'll be there after you get your breath. It may help you to get a grasp on things. When your deep in an A a fog tends to settle, and it makes it hard to see things for what they are. If you take a step back it may let the fog lift a little, and you'll be able to make some sound decisions, instead of decisions based on emotions, and adrenaline.

You can keep your A if you want, but you must except the fact that for now, you are the OW, and at about a #4 on his list of priorities. If you can except that you'll do just fine.

Whatever you decide, I hope that you're able to find out just what works for you, and good luck with whatever you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: twinkblu
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 11:10am
i agree with justice..learn to take breaths...he's not going anywhere....i learned that about my AP...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
In reply to: twinkblu
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 11:34am
Thanks for replying I know in my heart I do need to step back and evaluate exactly what I what in this relationship and what I emotionally will be able to handle.