Feeling totally depressed today.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Feeling totally depressed today.....
1
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:27pm
I am feeling totally depressed today. I don't even want to work. I want to go home and crawl back in bed. For those of you who know my situation you all know that I left my H last month and have been seeing MM (he left W also). Well, this weekend I helped him move into his apartment. We had a lot of fun. I really like being with him but I am starting to question WTF I am doing. I hadn't seen my kids since Friday morning since it wasn't my weekend. Well, I know my older two somewhat understand but my 1 yr old is so confused. My stbxH called me and told me the baby had been crying for mama all day. So, I went over there. The door was open and when he saw me coming up he ran all the way to me. It was so cute but at the same time made me feel like a piece of crap. When I went upstairs to see my other two, my 5 year old started crying and told me she missed me. I still haven't cried over leaving my H. I don't know if I have just been blocking it out and partying but I think reality is starting to settle in. I feel like I have totally destroyed my children's lives....but at the same time I would NEVER go back to their dad. I am happy without him I just wish I wasn't hurting so many people in the process.

Now on to MM. It was one thing when we were together and both in R's with seperate lives. But now that we both moved out and are together I DO NOT trust him. You know the saying, once a cheater always a cheater. But, it doesn't ring true for me. I left my H right after I slept with MM because I just felt like it was what I should do and what I wanted for a long time anyway. But MM has cheated on his W at least 8 or 9 times...that he's admitted to me. Anyway, some girl called him Saturday night when we were out and he was quick to tell her he left W but never mentioned he had a new g/f (me). Then, after I passed out he called her. I know this because the next morning she called and said "did someone call me from this number last night" after determining who she was I said "oh, my boyfriend was talking to a "mary" last night" I told her who my b/f was and she said "okay" and hung up. I wanted to know why he called her after I went to bed and he said "she's just a friend, when she called earlier she said she was going to call back later and since we were going to bed (I had already passed out...too much wild turkey) I didn't want the phone to wake us up so I was calling her to tell her not to call because we were going to bed". Sorry guys, but that really makes my "shady detector" go off.

Besides all of that, I just don't know what I am doing. I am young and I just completely walked away from the only life I've known since I left my mother's house. I have never been on my own. I love living by myself but I hate sleeping alone. I think I want to continue a R with MM but I don't trust him and I have issues with that. I guess before it didn't matter because I was just the OW anyway. I don't know what to do. I truly love waking up with him every day. I do think I have developed feeling for him too, I just see myself getting hurt. Maybe I am just being a chicken or maybe I am following my gut. My gut says he would totally cheat on me. But, I don't want to date again. Can't Mr. Right just show up at my doorstep? I am scared.

To top it all off, I am paying my ex soooo much money (ridiculous amount) since he doesn't work and stays with my kids while I do work. I cannot afford my apt, what I pay him, my cc's, my car, etc. so I took a side job "dancing". I hate it and half the night I sit in the dressing room but I need the money SO bad and it is the fastest way I can come up with it. I overdrew my stupid account...twice...and the dumb bank tacked on $62 in charges. My rent is due today and thanks to the stupid bank I am short. I hate "dancing" but I really cannot make that kind of fast cash doing anything else. And to make matters worse, my spiteful ex told my children what I was doing. After he completely damaged them I had to tell them he was just tricking them. And my real job is so stressful. I have fallen so far behind that I don't think I can catch up and my boss has started making comments about the stuff not getting done. I honestly don't think I can handle this much stress at my age. I am not even 25 for pete's sake. I wish my mom was here =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:51pm

hi karen -- ackkk, girl!

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