Feeling totally depressed today.....
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| Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:27pm |
Now on to MM. It was one thing when we were together and both in R's with seperate lives. But now that we both moved out and are together I DO NOT trust him. You know the saying, once a cheater always a cheater. But, it doesn't ring true for me. I left my H right after I slept with MM because I just felt like it was what I should do and what I wanted for a long time anyway. But MM has cheated on his W at least 8 or 9 times...that he's admitted to me. Anyway, some girl called him Saturday night when we were out and he was quick to tell her he left W but never mentioned he had a new g/f (me). Then, after I passed out he called her. I know this because the next morning she called and said "did someone call me from this number last night" after determining who she was I said "oh, my boyfriend was talking to a "mary" last night" I told her who my b/f was and she said "okay" and hung up. I wanted to know why he called her after I went to bed and he said "she's just a friend, when she called earlier she said she was going to call back later and since we were going to bed (I had already passed out...too much wild turkey) I didn't want the phone to wake us up so I was calling her to tell her not to call because we were going to bed". Sorry guys, but that really makes my "shady detector" go off.
Besides all of that, I just don't know what I am doing. I am young and I just completely walked away from the only life I've known since I left my mother's house. I have never been on my own. I love living by myself but I hate sleeping alone. I think I want to continue a R with MM but I don't trust him and I have issues with that. I guess before it didn't matter because I was just the OW anyway. I don't know what to do. I truly love waking up with him every day. I do think I have developed feeling for him too, I just see myself getting hurt. Maybe I am just being a chicken or maybe I am following my gut. My gut says he would totally cheat on me. But, I don't want to date again. Can't Mr. Right just show up at my doorstep? I am scared.
To top it all off, I am paying my ex soooo much money (ridiculous amount) since he doesn't work and stays with my kids while I do work. I cannot afford my apt, what I pay him, my cc's, my car, etc. so I took a side job "dancing". I hate it and half the night I sit in the dressing room but I need the money SO bad and it is the fastest way I can come up with it. I overdrew my stupid account...twice...and the dumb bank tacked on $62 in charges. My rent is due today and thanks to the stupid bank I am short. I hate "dancing" but I really cannot make that kind of fast cash doing anything else. And to make matters worse, my spiteful ex told my children what I was doing. After he completely damaged them I had to tell them he was just tricking them. And my real job is so stressful. I have fallen so far behind that I don't think I can catch up and my boss has started making comments about the stuff not getting done. I honestly don't think I can handle this much stress at my age. I am not even 25 for pete's sake. I wish my mom was here =(

hi karen -- ackkk, girl!
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