feeling very insecure

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
feeling very insecure
4
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:04am
Hey,

Need some help here!!!! I haven't spoken to my MM for 10 Days. The longest has only been 5 days. It gets completed because of the tome difference and his travel schedule. When I spoke to him last, he called me and was so sweet. He always tells me how much he misses me and loves me. I shrink tells me that I need to stay busier, because his life is so crazy that he doesn't have as much as I do to dwell on every little thing. He says we will be together, he has never lied to me and always does what he says he will but it's just so hard. I would talk to him every day if I could. I wish there were ways that we could at least touch base even if we can't talk. He is still waiting for his computer to be delivered. I know it will be easier then. Any thoughts or ideas on this long distance thing? I know that I need to take a deep breath and relax but it makes me crazy.

Help!!!!

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:25am
Hi deedee

I know how you feel. It is very hard sometimes. I only usually get to email my MM and once in a while we manage to spaek on the phone. But there have been times when a day or two goes by and I wonder what he's doing or WHY he can't find two minutes to email me. BUT, then I get a sweet email or phone call and all is well with the world again.

I am learning (although it sounds as if your EMA might be different for you if you two are exchanging the L word) to accept the fact that it is what it is. I think that is easier said than done sometimes. There will always be times when you two will be unable to contact each other, and it's sometimes hard to adjust to being in a relationship with so many boundaries. I am also learning that there are serious upswings and downswings with EMAs, and if I am going throught it, he probably is too (I mean emotionally - guilt, confusion, elation, excitement - you name it). Maybe I am getting a bit off track here?!!

Just keep busy!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 10:26am
My EMA isn't long-distance and I deal with the same things. We only see each other at work and there are days when one of us is simply too busy to see each other. We can't let our jobs suffer because of our feelings for each other, so we have to roll with the punches. Generally we speak at set times and if those times go by with no word, there's an ache in my chest I can't quite describe. What's hardest for me is when the end of the day comes and no word. We usually see each other before we go home and knowing I won't get to see or even speak to him all night or all weekend or whatever is tough. I hate that feeling of heading home without knowing if something's wrong or not. It's just so good to know that others feel the same way. I feel bad when I feel that way because I want to be like him... I want to be so laid-back about things that if an entire day goes by and I don't get to see him, I don't get all upset about it. He seems to be that way, but then he's usually the one who's called away from his desk and can't get to me. It's a lot easier being on that end of it, don't you think? Anyway, I hate playing games, but generally in relationships it's a good idea to not let a man think you're waiting by the phone, always available. So it would help to "get a life" of your own, if you haven't already. I know that means sometimes missing calls and not getting to speak to him as often, but it has been my bizarre experience that if I start to pull away and be less available, he's generally more anxious to talk to me. It's when I'm always waiting around that he starts to take me for granted. Has anyone else had experience with this? Seems the old hard-to-get games apply even in an EMA...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 10:41am
Charlotte,

Thanks for the response. I tried to call him and finally got through. I have been so worried and to find out he had tried to call me Monday night and couldn't get through with his calling card. I told him that we have to set up someway to get through to each other when he travels so I know to call him and not to wait for him to call me since he can't always get through depending on the country he is in. He said that he would have to give me his travel schedule. So all that insecurity for nothing!!!!!!

Why is it that we worry so much? Why can't we (I say we, because it seems, reading so many of these posts that we all seem to get insecure) just believe what our MM says if they have been truthful. I wish I could just believe what my heart says and stop thinking so much. I make myself crazy with doubts when I shouldn't. Is it just the nature of the beast? Is it because we are in a unfaithful situation that we just automatically believe that if we can lie to our Hs and they can lie to their Ws, that must then mean that they will lie to us?

Any thoughts on this subject?

Much more relieved,

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 11:15am
I think there are doubts in any relationship, but if your man was being "unfaithful" to you as well as W, you'd probably have a stronger sense of it than just a few missed phone calls. It would be a pattern over time. And men do simply tend to put other things first. I don't know why...it's just how they are. When we were teens and had boyfriends, it was their friends and sports and whatever and now it's their jobs, their hobbies, their FAMILIES. Notice I put families last. I'm sure many men put their children first, but men just aren't quite as relationship-oriented as women are. Then there's the added fact that they have to cover up their time with us and sneak around to arrange a few minutes here, a few minutes there... It's amazing we ever see or hear from them. I've been married a long, long time, and I'd never forgotten how tough dating was. I remember repeatedly thinking I'd never want to go through that again and being grateful for having the stability of marriage. But I did miss the excitement -- the highs that came with falling in love. I just don't like the lows of the in-between times...the feeling that no matter what, you'll never be able to get enough of the person. Then you marry them and soon you find yourself wondering why you ever felt that way about them! This same crap would be happening if we were all single and they were single, believe it or not. You always have insecurities... Love is never easy.