Feeling very sad today. Ended the A

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Feeling very sad today. Ended the A
5
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:22pm
yesterday and today I feel so sad. I'm mostly a lurker around here, but I've posted a few times and really appreciate the support I've gotten.

My A has only been going on for little over a month now, but I just felt I had to end it and did so yesterday. I thought the A was just going to be a one time only sex thing, but once turned into twice, three times, etc. and recently I started to feel like I was getting emotionally involved. OM is a co-worker who is 21 years older than me (I'm 27)and is just a really great man. Gradually things started to get more involved between us. Obviously we see each other daily since we work together, but we started talking on the phone and e-mailing regularly in addition to frequent little stops at each others offices to just say Hi. I could tell he was getting attached too by all the phone calls, etc. Last week I pulled back a lot and stopped everything physical (not just sex, but kissing, touching, holding hands) and it was a really rough week. It's so weird to see him and not be able to touch him or just hold his hand. I didn't think I would feel so strongly, but I do and it's been really hard. Yesterday afternoon he e-mailed saying that things needed to change, he wasn't happy with the way last week went and really missed me. He asked me to do some serious thinking about my marriage and what I want. When he came by my office to talk I wanted to hug him so badly that as he was about to leave I blurted out "don't go yet, stay for another minute" and ended up kissing him. It wasn't extremely passionate or anything, it was just really nice and it was just what I needed. We talked and I explained how I was feeling. Basically, I'm not unhappy in my marriage, but I can feel myself falling out of love with my H. I want to try to work things out at home (we have a toddler) at least for my child's sake. But, I can't do that with OM in my life. When I'm at home I'm thinking about OM and wondering what he's doing. I miss him when we're not together. However, I know that if I leave my H now, my relationship with OM would have a lot to do with it and I'm not willing to leave my H for OM at this point. I need to get out of this A so I can evaluate my situation with H clearly and not be clouded by my feelings for OM.

OM totally respected everything I said, but I could tell he was disappointed. He is not the type of man to be in a relationship with someone else's wife and I can't continue the A. We both agree that things have to stop since I am married, but it's so difficult. I'm feeling confused and all mixed up inside. I am just not cut out for an A. I have to try to work things out with H and then if it doesn't work and I choose to leave maybe OM and I can start a real relationship (although that would not be the basis for my leaving H). I hurt OM and I feel really terrible about it. I should not have done this in the first place. Now I have potentially hurt two men, H and OM and I've totally confused myself.

So, here I am sitting in my office feeling sad that I won't be cuddling up with OM anymore and feeling guilty because I already have and I'm married to someone else! Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like to spend time with OM and not have to watch the clock and hurry and leave after an hour or two. To not worry about being caught, etc.

I know that ending things now is the best thing. I can't imagine how I would feel if this had continued to go on for months. It's just so darn hard. I really don't want to give OM up, but to keep this going is selfish and hurtful to everyone involved. I'm really trying to do the right thing, but it's breaking my heart.

Thanks for letting me ramble...

BadGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:46pm

hey badgirl - welcome back to the board!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:48pm

You have to believe and know in your heart that you did the right thing. You were so early in your R. and yet

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:16pm
Life is full of decisions and we have to live with the decisions we make. You did whatever is the best for you and your family. It is hard to be in such situation but life goes on with full force. OM & you will be if it was meant to be and you must wait till that happend - whenever that happens -- till then its adieu.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:38pm
Hey, Don't feel so bad. I have also been a lurker for quite awhile and this my first post. I'm sorry that this is so hard, but the best thing is probably to try to figure out your true feelings before doing anything drastic.My situatuion is somewhat similar, except I'm already in love with OM. Now i'm trying to figure out if I should stay with husband for my baby.I hope things get clearer soon for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:48pm

hey crazynlove7 - welcome to the board and out of lurkdom!!


it's a tangled web isn't it!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board