Feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Feelings
10
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 5:09am

So after having an emotional affair for several months, trying to end it and failing... we spent all day in bed together last Wednesday. It was our first time together and it was amazing, perfect, we just go so well together. I was so happy, ecstatic, for the first few days but now I've started to wonder what the hell I have done. I know I should start N/C again but I don't know how to find the strength. He is everything my husband is not and I wish we could go back in time and be together when we knew each other before I was married. I wish it with all my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Wed, 04-09-2014 - 10:21am
I'd say give it one last talk with H. Tell him how unhappy you are and that you want more. If he doesn't make an effort that you will want to move forward soon with ending the marriage because its pointless to continue on this way. Heck if you give him a deadline that may help. I don't want to encourage you getting involved in an affair because that will only add more to you. Affairs can get very messy, ugly and stressful. You'll be caught up in your AP and never leave your H because you have the best of both worlds.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 6:38pm

Thank you Chasing-mya. Fissatore, since I can assure you I cannot leave my husband for at least another 2 years (for reasons I will not disclose on a public forum) do you suggest I continue in my unhappiness for that time, or continue my affair? Given what it will cost him if I divorce him now I am sure that he would rather I didn't leave him, and I cannot see that telling him I am doing it will cause him less pain than if and when he finds out. It is not exactly an ideal situation but he would not choose a divorce right now and I am prepared to honour that. I do not see us staying together but who knows where we will be in 2 years time. If it makes you feel any better I cannot have children so there is no issue there. Both men know that I can't

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 4:12pm
It appears your H doesn't want to save this marriage if we look at his actions. He's not making any effort after 8 months of therapy to remedy and save what you both have. You were honest with him and told him you are unhappy. You told him what you need and even made suggestions on how to improve the relationship. I don't know how much better than that it gets. I see why you ache for your AP. He's filling that love and affection you need and crave for. Try not to dwell on the past and how you should have been with him before. Life has a way of working itself out and maybe it wasn't meant for you to be with him back at that time. Focus on now and what steps you will take to move forward if your H continues not to do his part is saving the marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 3:13pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 3:12pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 3:11pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 3:11pm
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: fissatore
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 12:32pm

Yes, you can turn back time.  It's called divorce.  No one wants to be divorced, but no one wants to be unhappy all the time, either.  It doesn't matter what the rest of your family thinks about your marriage.  You aren't happy, you've tried to talk to him, you've suggested counseling, which he isn't interested in........so you've done all you can to fix things.  You've only been married for two years.......do you honestly think it will get better as years go by?  Of course not, it will get worse and worse. This man you had your affair with.....he may not be the answer to your problems, but he's making you realize there's more out there than what you have now.  Before you have children, end the marriage and move on with your life.  Children will only make it worse, and it's not fair to bring children into an unhappy marriage.  It sounds like your husband has some emotional problems, probably from an unhappy childhood, and he's not going to change.......excepting he might get worse.  You can't fix him, he doesn't want to fix himself, so there you are.  Miserable, lonely, unhappy, and it will only get worse.  Talk to him, tell him you're not happy, tell him if he won't try to change, then you're going to get a lawyer, and then DO it.  Just don't jump into another relationship till you figure out what YOU want, and find someone who can give it to you......and that might NOT be the AP,  Anyone would make you feel wonderful if you're in an unhappy marriage...but that doesn't mean they are wonderful 24/7!  Remember, he had no qualms about an affair w/a married woman......so he doesn't respect marriage vows for sure.  Put yourself first, and figure out what you want from a partner, and accept nothing less.  Don't let a day in bed cloud your judgement!  It's YOUR life, and you're responsible for finding happiness within yourself......don't expect to get it from someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 10:07am

Hi, thanks for your advice. I am married for 3 years. AP is single. My marriage is "perfect" from my family and friends perspective but H is not intimate with me at all, never listens to me, we rarely have sex, when we do it's for 5 mins and just about him finishing. He's not bothered if I don't. I've been in counselling for 8 months, tried to get him to do relationship counselling, told him I'm unhappy, told him what I need, made suggestions of how we can improve our relationship. He just hasn't bothered to try to improve things. Part of me wishes AP never came back into my life. Another part thinks now he has I don't want to let him go. I should have been with him before. And part of me knows I'm only with him because I'm trying to turn back time which I can't anyway...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 9:49am
The feeling is intoxicating, it's like you can't get enough and you may be faced with wanting that same high over & over again. Believe me the feeling is so good that it's addicting. It's going to be difficult for you to step back and really analyze what all this may be. He's filling a void in you right now. I'm not sure if you're married & if your AP is married but please consider the future repercussions of this. If you want to fall back.... now its the time to do it. The longer you remain involved with him the harder it will be to let go. Take this from someone who has been with her AP for 5 years.....